


When Skies Are Gray

by osaki_nana_707, redluna



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, Background Character Death, Car Accidents, Community: deancasbigbang, Infidelity, Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-04 00:23:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 49,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5312666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/osaki_nana_707/pseuds/osaki_nana_707, https://archiveofourown.org/users/redluna/pseuds/redluna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Castiel's sister dies, taking care of her infant daughter Sophie is left up to him. He's not sure how he can manage until he almost literally runs into Dean Winchester, babysitting extraordinaire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HOO, BOY! It is a miracle this fic is even happening. Everything in the universe was going against us. Beta issues, /writing/ issues, time issues... We're so grateful that the DCBB folks for giving us an extension to get it done. I really didn't think we were gonna manage it for a while, lol.
> 
> Also, huge thanks to our wonderful artist gandaloca, and to our beta made-of-sun-flowers for stepping up to the plate when we were desperate. You rock!
> 
> [ART MASTERPOST](http://gandocaloca.livejournal.com/1522.html)

**When Skies Are Gray**

 

**Chapter One**

 

Castiel didn’t know how he was going to do this. Less than a month ago, he’d been virtually invisible, toiling away in a cubicle, doing whatever was required of him. It was terribly mundane, but Castiel was a man who worked best on a schedule, so tedium was welcome. If the foster system had taught him anything it was that keeping your head down was far safer than standing out.

 

Then, he’d gotten the phone call from his brother, Gabriel.

 

His sister, Anna, had been killed in a car accident.

 

He proceeded to fly out to Seattle for the funeral, draining his savings for the plane ticket and hotel room. It was far from the beautiful ceremony she deserved with only himself and Gabriel in attendance, but they were all the family Anna had…well them and the two month old daughter she had left behind, who had squalled through the whole ceremony in the arms of the babysitter who had kept her safe the night of the accident.

 

Castiel knew Anna had been pregnant. She’d been a bit of a wild child, rebelling against their strict religious upbringing as best as she knew how, with Gabriel right by her side to fuel her fire. Castiel had always been the quieter and better-behaved child, never wanting to make waves, so he’d been nothing but concerned when Anna had broken the news to him over the phone. She’d taken her impending motherhood to heart, however, and had stopped partying altogether. She’d gotten a well-paying job, read all the baby books, and really turned her life around in a way he suspected his parents would have been proud of if they had been alive. Castiel had even planned to come meet the child come Christmas time, but, well…

 

Standing in the funeral home, ill-fitting suit soaked from the rain, he met Sophie. Her big blue eyes and swath of downy red hair immediately reminded him of her mother; a thought that made him feel as though his heart was clutched in a vice.

 

Child services had had him stay in the area while they ran through the potential candidates to become her new caregiver, but he had never expected them to turn their sights on himself. And yet, in retrospect, perhaps he should have known better. There was no father on record and no knowledge of his location. The maternal grandparents were already deceased and Gabriel’s criminal record from his late teens had ruled him out, even if he had calmed down since then.

 

Castiel had been hesitant, of course—he barely had enough time in his life for _himself_ most of the time, let alone a child and he had barely any experience—but when the only other option was for her to be released into the foster care system, he knew he had to accept. He and his siblings had all been in the system before their adoption and it hadn’t been a pleasant experience for any of them. Anna in particular had suffered to the point that she wouldn’t talk about it. He supposed now he would never know…

 

He _did_ know that Anna wouldn’t want her daughter subjected to the horrors she had experienced. Castiel may not have been the perfect choice for a parent, but he’d been deemed suitable by someone with experience in the area, and that was good enough for him.

 

He’d left for Seattle with a heavy heart and come home with a baby.

 

Gabriel had taken the dismantling of Anna’s apartment onto himself, apparently wanting to find a way to feel in control of at least something about this disaster, so within the week all of Sophie’s baby things had been shipped out. Honestly, Castiel was still trying to figure out how a baby could come with so much in the first place. He didn’t even know where to start putting everything together, didn’t know where to start with _anything_ really, but he tried.

 

By the time he had used up all of his vacation days, he had a bassinet put up in his bedroom, the guest bedroom halfway transformed into a nursery (half painted and full of boxes), and a pantry stocked with baby formula. He’d learned how to change a diaper and Sophie had finally started to accept a bottle at mealtimes. He’d slept maybe two hours a night if he was lucky, but Sophie seemed to be adjusting to the new home life for the most part… except for the crying.

 

Good god, could that child _cry_.

 

He wasn’t certain she’d stopped since they’d gotten home except for when she was too tired to keep screaming or when she had a bottle in her mouth. He spent most of his nights up with her, rocking her like he’d seen people on television do. He even called a doctor when he had gotten especially desperate, shelled out the money he didn’t have for an appointment only to find she was physically just fine. He supposed he knew deep down what was making her so upset. The absence of her mother weighed heavily on him, but not nearly so much as it did Sophie. The one human she’d bonded with was gone, and now been replaced with this awkward man who didn’t even know how to comfort her.

 

In all of his efforts to get her to quiet for a bit, he hadn’t even considered finding someone to watch her while he was at work. With no one he knew available at the last minute, he had to take her with him.

 

His boss, Naomi, was decidedly unhappy about it. His co-workers were sympathetic at first, but the crying wore on them after a while. During one of Sophie’s quieter moments, Naomi had called him into her office, barely pacified by his attempts at apologizing. He was sure that it hadn’t helped that he kept listening out for Sophie to start fussing anew.

 

“Castiel,” she said, her voice dripping with professionalism as usual. She sat behind her desk with her hands folded upon it, and even though she was smiling, he found no mirth in it. “We here understand the circumstances to which you’ve brought this child to work with you. Our sympathies go out to you for the loss of your sister, and we’re trying the best we can to accommodate, but the noise is not proper for a work environment. You cannot continue to bring her with you here. If you do so, I’ll have no choice but to let you go. It’s against the rules, Castiel, and the only reason I haven’t reported you to my supervisor is _because_ of the circumstances.”

 

He knew that wasn’t out of any sense of caring, of course, not from her. She just wouldn’t have liked the way it looked, firing an employee who had just suffered a death in the family. It didn’t mean she wasn’t correct, of course.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said again, using his hand to rock Sophie’s car seat back and forth to keep her sleeping. There had been a cross between a basket and a carrier in the boxes Gabriel had sent, along with some strange wrap that was supposed to swaddle Sophie close, but he hadn’t figured out to get either to work yet. “It was an emergency, last minute… thing. It won’t happen again. Things have been… difficult.”

 

It was the understatement of the century, but he doubted Naomi would care. And he was proven right when she just nodded curtly, plastering on her most polite smile and replying with, “See that it won’t. You’re free to go for the day. I expect you back here bright an early tomorrow morning. Alone.”

 

“Yes, ma’am.”

 

Sophie began to whimper on the way down in the elevator, giving away to cries that echoed around the parking garage when he tried to get her into the car. By the end he simply gave in, heading to the grocery store in the hope that being around faces friendlier than his own might help to settle her. He had lost a few hours of work on his paycheck, so it wasn’t as if he had much to spend, but it had to be better than adding to the pressure already mounting in his head.

 

 _What am I going to do_?

 

The thought rolled through his head as he trudged down the aisles, pushing the basket with the car seat inside of it. He could drown out the screaming now to an extent, but it certainly didn’t put him at ease. He wondered if he got the nursery set up this afternoon if she’d relax because of the familiar furniture. Did babies even notice things like that? Maybe she didn’t like the formula he was feeding her. It had taken him long enough to get her to start drinking it. The doctor had said it wasn’t uncommon if she’d been previously breastfed (he supposed that trip to the physician hadn’t been _entirely_ fruitless). He couldn’t exactly _breastfeed_ her though, unless breast milk was sold in stores. He sincerely doubted that, but he did move the cart into the baby aisle anyway. If he could find something, _anything_ ; there had to be _something_ in this store that would make her _stop_ …

 

The cart collided with another at the end of the aisle. It was Castiel’s fault for not looking, but the jostling of the car-seat in the basket turned Sophie’s fit into a full on tantrum. “No, please… please stop,” Castiel said softly, futilely. He wasn’t above begging, but he doubted Sophie could comprehend it (and even if she could, he was pretty sure she didn’t care).

 

“Damn, that little girl’s got some lungs on her, doesn’t she?”

 

Castiel tore his eyes away from the sobbing child and to the man he had totally forgotten he’d run into. Castiel had lived in this town for quite a while, so he knew almost everyone, but he hadn’t seen this man before. He supposed he could be new, maybe one of the people from the nearby college… but he looked a little too old and rough around the edges to be an academic. He knew he shouldn’t judge a book by its cover though—the man’s basket had various frozen food items, a case of beer, and a discounted pie from the bakery section. It could have been a college student’s diet.

 

He realized about a half second too late that he’d been staring into the man’s basket for too long rather than tending to the crying child and apologizing for not paying any attention to where he was going.

 

“I… sorry, I am—“ Cas began to say but stopped when the man leaned over the basket edge, his deep voice softening a little.

 

“Hey, kiddo.” His voice was gentle, near fond. “Sorry for screwing up your day. Come on, now, it’s not the end of the world.”

 

Castiel lifted Sophie out of the car seat from the other side of the basket it, rocking her a little to try and get her to calm down. “I apologize,” Cas said now that he had the opportunity. “She’s ah… she’s always like this.”

 

The man’s brow furrowed a little before he laughed. “Sounds like she’s got Dad at the end of his rope.”

 

Cas would have laughed too if he hadn’t felt like crying over how true the statement was—all except for one word of it, that is. “Oh, I’m… I’m not her father,” he said. “I’m her uncle. I just—well, it’s complicated.”

 

“Mommy dearest left her with you for a bit, then?” he asked.

 

“Ah… well,” Cas said solemnly, “she isn’t coming back. I do have custody, so… maybe that does qualify me as her father, I don’t know.”

 

There was an awkward silence and Cas feared he had said too much. He didn’t need to be pouring out his grievances to random strangers in the diaper aisle. That sort of thing was saved for the confession booth (on the seldom occasion he could get to church these days).

 

“Hey, uh… listen, I’m good with kids. Let me hold her for a minute.”

 

Cas looked up, eyes wide with surprise. “Oh, no, you don’t have to do that.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I know it sounds creepy but just trust me on this for a sec. Not for nothin’, man, but you don’t know how to hold a baby.”

 

Despite his better judgment, Cas handed her over.

 

“I’m Dean, by the way.” He adjusted the child in his arms effortlessly until Sophie was supported with her ear against his chest. “I don’t know if she’s anything like my brother, but when he was little like this, he liked to hear someone’s heartbeat.”

 

Within moments, Sophie’s crying calmed down to sniffles.

 

“And, the coup de grace,” Dean said, reaching with his freehand back into the car seat and snagging the pacifier laying forgotten there. “Ta-da. Happy kid.”

 

Sophie accepted the pacifier and her eyes closed peacefully. Cas wanted to fall down to his knees and thank the lord for the blissful silence that followed, but he’d never been that dramatic.

 

“That’s incredible,” Cas breathed. “I don’t know how you did that.”

 

“Like I said, my brother liked the noise, something steady. Also, when in doubt, always gotta go with the pacifier. Kids like familiar stuff.”

 

“I… guess that’s why she doesn’t like me very much,” Cas admitted with a shrug of his shoulder. “You’d done more in two seconds than I’ve been able to do in weeks.” He reached out his arms to take her back, his heart rate rising in panic when her big blue eyes opened and welled with tears over being moved away from Dean’s comforting heartbeat. Maybe Cas’s heartbeat was too nervous all the time. Maybe—

 

“You’ve never done this before, have you?” Perhaps Castiel’s frazzled state was enough to make that obvious, even to a perfect stranger. “Not to make assumptions, but you don’t look like the kind of guy who even planned to do this, not right now.”

 

“No, and definitely not by myself,” Castiel admitted, hating himself for doing so. It didn’t seem fair to Sophie to admit he was struggling here. She was having a hard enough time without his problems. He’d been the one to accept the responsibility, so he didn’t really have the right to complain. “Like I said, it’s… it’s just a long story.”

 

Dean got Sophie back into Cas’s arms and helped adjust her so she was settled like she had been in his own arms. The tears in her eyes vanished, and though she was still awake and watching, she was peaceful.

 

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said, voice small.

 

“We’ve all got our share of long stories, man, don’t worry about it,” he replied casually. Cas couldn’t help but wonder what Dean’s long story was.

 

“What can I do to repay you? I don’t have a lot of money.”

 

“I’d settle for your name, and hers, and hey, if you got ‘em, a list of available apartments in town.”

 

“I… don’t know anything about the apartments in town.”

 

Dean faltered a little but recovered. “Uh, yeah, it was a joke. I’m in a hotel room for the moment is all, and looking for work I guess the whole apartment thing got put on the back burner. I got some work as a bartender, but…”

 

“How long have you been in town?” Castiel asked. It didn’t escape his notice that Sophie’s breathing had evened out as she dozed off again.

 

“A week. My, uh, my brother Sammy’s going to school over at the college, and I’m just sticking nearby to look out for him. We were never really settle-in-one-place types, but I figured, since he was doing it, I could give it a shot. Guess we’re both kind of new at something here, huh?” Dean smiled, and Cas wasn’t sure if it was the exhaustion or not, but he was a little dazzled by it.

 

It was definitely the exhaustion though that had him saying, “Are you free during the day?”

 

Dean blinked. “Yeah, so far. It’s pretty boring, honestly, what with Sam in class all the time.”

 

“I can’t offer much, but… I need someone to watch her while I’m at work, and she seems to like you… a lot more than she likes me anyway. I don’t have much money, but if you would be interested, I could offer you a spare room.”

 

Dean’s eyebrows shot up on his forehead. “You’re offering to let me live in your house for free, just to watch this little tyke?”

 

“Well… I mean, you’d need to pay for your own groceries, and it’d be nice if you could help with the electricity and water bill since those would be things you’d be using, but… I can cover the rent there provided I don’t lose my job because I’ve got no one to look after her while I’m there. You need a place to stay, and I need a babysitter, so I thought that would perhaps solve both problems… if you’re interested, that is.”

 

It was a risky move, one he might not have made if he hadn’t been running so little sleep. Dean was a stranger, maybe a liar, possibly even a serial killer, but at this point Cas was desperate. Dean seemed like a good enough guy, and he probably didn’t know anybody in town. He was just trying to make things easier for them both in the end and surely that couldn’t be bad.

 

“It would just be temporary… I can put together some actual savings, and you can get settled. A few weeks, a month,” Cas assured. “A little time to adjust would be good for everyone.”

 

“Well,” Dean said, snorting as he shook his head with a smile. “That sounds a hell of a lot easier than apartment hunting to be honest. I still don’t know your name though, so maybe start with that.”

 

“Oh. Um… I am Castiel.”

 

“Gesundheit.”

 

“No, I—it’s a religious name. Her name is Sophie.”

 

“Well, I’m just gonna call you Cas, sound good? If we’re gonna live together, you gotta tolerate the nicknames I come up with.”

 

Castiel blinked a couple of times. “So… you’ll do it? Even though you don’t know me?”

 

“You don’t know me either,” Dean shrugged, “but hey, even if my decision comes back to bite me in the ass, I’ll have learned something, right? Besides, you seem like an all right guy. I don’t have a lot of skills, but surprisingly, taking care of kids is one of ‘em that I do have, so I might as well put ‘em to use. A bartender’s salary ain’t necessarily gonna cover an apartment’s rent that well, so just throwing in some cash towards the bills gives me some time to scrounge some savings too, _and_ I don’t have to buy a bunch of furniture. Like you said, good for everyone.”

 

If Cas hadn’t been holding Sophie, he probably really would have fallen to his knees in praise this time. “Thank you, Dean, thank you. Can you be there by tomorrow? Eight-ish? I have to be at work by nine, should be home by five. I can give you my address.”

 

“I can absolutely be there,” Dean assured, “and that works out perfectly because you get home just in time for me to go work at the bar.”

 

Surely all of this was too good to be true, but Cas wasn’t going to dwell on it for now. A male babysitter, especially one who looked as rough-and-tumble as Dean, was far from an orthodox choice, but Cas was grateful. _Eternally_ grateful. He knew he hadn’t given back enough to gain rewards in life, but surely a break couldn’t be too much to ask for.

 

He passed his address off to Dean before getting Sophie back into her car seat, relieved to find that she only squabbled a touch over the loss of human contact. He didn’t have much left to grab before heading home anyway. And maybe, just maybe, he’d finally find some real peace. A good night’s sleep. A satisfied boss. What more could he even ask for at this point?

 

He could already imagine the fit Gabriel would throw over it all, but what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

 

If it came back to bite him in the ass later, then at least he learned a lesson.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

 

It turned out things really were too good to be true.

 

Not because of Dean. His suggestion to lay Sophie on his chest actually worked like a charm, only waking when hungry or in need of a change before dropping right back off. But with her sleeping soundly (save for the times every few hours where she needed a bottle or a diaper change), Cas found himself lying awake.

 

He was absolutely exhausted, but the quiet had given him time to hear his thoughts... and when his thoughts drifted to Anna, the quiet gave him time to grieve. He hadn’t really had the opportunity to focus on it with the funeral plans and the legal issues and obtaining custody. He had been doing so much for Anna that it was easy to forget she wasn’t here anymore, but then...

 

Well, he hadn’t slept. It had been mostly staring up at the ceiling and trying to ignore the way his eyes burned with the need to cry yet again.

 

He had taken a cold shower and had been downing coffee since seven when he heard a knock at the door. He could only hope that he looked halfway decent so Dean wouldn’t think any worse of him. He just did his best not to feel agitated at the sight of Dean being bright-eyed and bushy tailed. He’d probably slept like a... well, not like a baby. Babies apparently didn’t sleep nearly as soundly as everyone seemed to say.

 

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said as he stepped aside to allow him and his suitcases in. Dean really didn’t have much to his name, apparently. Just the two suitcases and the car parked outside on the street. The car was sleek, old-fashioned, probably rumbling and driven a little faster than necessary but always handled carefully. It suited Dean.

 

“Heya, Cas,” Dean said, smiling though he looked a little cautious. Cas must have looked worse than he thought. “How are you doing?”

 

“Better,” Cas said, and it wasn’t a complete lie even with the sadness that hung on him. “She slept much better thanks to you.”

 

“But you didn’t,” Dean said, setting down his suitcases by the door and moving to the play mat in the middle of the living room floor where Sophie was. “Hey, little lady,” he said, picking her up.

 

“I’m all right,” Cas mumbled, shutting the door. “So uh... it’s not a big house, as you saw. Should be pretty easy to maneuver. The bathroom is the first door in the hall on your left. Then there’s the spare room which is part of the way turned into a nursery... though she doesn’t sleep in there anyway, so you should be able to sleep peacefully. My room is the one at the end of the hall. The kitchen is obviously straight back from here, laundry room is connected to it. Everything’s kind of a mess right now because I haven’t had time to unpack all of her things...”

 

Dean glanced back at him, a touch of sympathy in his gaze. “It’s not a big deal, man. I was in a hotel room. I _grew up_ in hotel rooms. This is ritzy for me.”

 

Cas figured there was probably a story behind that, but it was for another time. “I left my personal cell phone number and the office phone number written down on a note on the fridge, along with any emergency numbers you might need. There’s food if you get hungry... I already prepared some bottles for her, so all you’ll need to do is warm them up.”

He paused, pursing his lips together. “I’m sorry. I know this is a lot to take in. I’ll be home by five… and there’s a spare key under the mat outside if you want to go anywhere. You can call me if you need anything at all.”

 

“Ahh, I’m sure we’ll be fine,” Dean said. “She’ll take it easy on me, won’t you, little lady?”

 

Sophie just took the finger Dean wiggled at her face into her mouth, drooling on it as she watched him with big curious eyes.

 

“Yes, she… she should be fine,” Cas said, though he wasn’t so positive about himself at this point. In the daylight it was easier to worry about whether letting a total stranger come live in his house and take care of the child he’d only just been given custody of was a good idea. There was still something about Dean that made Cas trust him though, and he just hoped that gut feeling was one he could truly rely on.

 

“I’ll be home a little after five,” Cas concluded as he grabbed his jacket and briefcase. “Make yourself at home.”

 

With that, there was nothing to do but let the door shut quietly behind him, leaving Sophie and Dean alone.

 

\--

 

Work was a godsend, even though Cas was so tired he could barely stand. He needed the tasks to focus on so that he wasn’t thinking about Anna, needed the chance to put aside his grief again now that he had to be around other people. He didn’t want to deal with it if he didn’t have to. Numbers were easier. Paperwork was easier. The _routine_ was easier… and without Sophie there, he could get back into that routine at the office much more easily. He could ignore all the other pressing matters and focus on the ones at hand (even if he did check his phone several times just to make sure Dean hadn’t called—but why _hadn_ _’_ _t_ he called? Cas didn’t ask for an update, but…).

 

By the time his shift was over, he felt dead on his feet. When he got home he briefly considered going in and just laying down in the entryway. But Dean had to go off to his other job, and someone had to look after the baby.

 

He didn’t expect to step inside and smell… food.

 

Blinking, he dropped his briefcase by the door and followed the scent into the kitchen where he found Dean with a spread of Chinese takeout. Dean had Sophie in a little baby swing that he must have unpacked because Cas had never seen it before, and he was holding a bottle for her with one hand while he used the other to eat his own meal. She was okay, they were _both_ okay. Dean’s expertise was apparently not bluster.

 

“Heya, Cas,” he greeted around a mouthful of food. “Sit down before you pass out and wang your head against the doorframe. Eat.”

 

“You bought food for me too?”

 

“Dude, when was the last time you ate real food?”

 

“I don’t know if take-out qualifies—“

 

“Too long, gotcha, sit and eat.”

 

Cas hadn’t eaten a proper meal since the day before (in all his haste he’d forgotten his lunch), so Dean didn’t have to tell him twice. He sat and dug into the meal like the starving man he hadn’t realized he was, and it was glorious.

 

He was on his second helping when Dean gathered an increasingly fussy Sophie from her swing and settled her against his shoulder, patting her back to help her burp. Cas couldn’t help but marvel at how easy Dean made everything look. “You know, I wasn’t sure you were telling the truth when you said you were good with kids, but you’ve proved me wrong… I don’t mean that in an offensive way. It’s just that you don’t seem like the type.”

 

He looked down at his plate, smiling ruefully as he pushed some noodles around with his chopsticks. “Then again, I actually _have_ a baby now, and I don’t know the first thing about taking care of one. It’s pretty pathetic, I suppose.”

 

“We all started where you are, trust me,” Dean assured. “I mean, I was the same way, just… younger.” When Cas looked up at him in confusion, he rushed to clarify. “I mean, no, I don’t have my own kid or anything, but…”

 

Dean sat down again, exhaling softly. “Well, I guess I might as well explain. It’d come out sooner or later. See, when I was a kid, there was a fire in my house. It started in my brother’s nursery. Little Sammy, he got out okay, but my mom…” He shook his head, suddenly very intent on staring at the table rather than at Cas. “Police said it was arson. Dad was determined to find the guy, and so for most of our lives we traveled around with him on this fucked up quest for revenge. He was gone all the time, so someone had to take care of Sam, and that someone ended up being me. He’s always been my responsibility… and you just gotta learn what works and what doesn’t. Trial and error. As long as they don’t get hurt, then you’re doing okay, and even if they do get hurt a little bit, you gotta learn to forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes… you just gotta do your best.”

 

Cas nodded, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “That’s a lot to put on the shoulders of a little boy… I’m grateful for what you gained out of it, even if the circumstances for obtaining it weren’t ideal.” He hoped Dean wouldn’t take it the wrong way. If it weren’t for him, Cas would surely be far worse off, possibly even unemployed if Naomi made good on her threat.

 

“When I was a kid, Anna looked out for me,” Cas explained. “That’s Sophie’s mother. She and I weren’t technically related… we were foster kids, the both of us. It didn’t matter though because no matter what happened, she wanted to make sure I was safe.”

 

“Doesn’t sound like someone who’d leave her kid behind,” Dean said softly, and if his expression was anything to go by, he clearly regretted the statement as soon as it was out of his mouth.

 

Castiel’s shoulders sagged, the reality of her death aching like an open wound. He tried his best to shake it off, but the sadness must have been palpable because Sophie started to whine.

 

A hand squeezed Cas’s shoulder, but Cas didn’t look up, afraid of what he might do if he actually looked into someone’s eyes right now. “Hey, uh… I know everyone says it and it sounds like bullshit, but… it’ll get easier. It will. You’ll be able to look back without all of that crap bogging you down… and I’m sure she’d be proud of you, you know. Looking out for Sophie just like she did for you. She’d know she taught you well.”

 

Cas snorted, feeling like tears were dangerously close to welling up. “Thank you, Dean… but I don’t know if she’d be proud so much as she would be laughing at me. I’m fumbling around like a blind man in the dark. I don’t know anything about Sophie or even babies in general.” He scrubbed his hands over his face, willing away the tears. “If it weren’t for you, she’d probably still be crying non-stop, and at this point I’d be sitting on the floor crying with her. God knows I did enough of that last night.”

 

He paused, realizing he’d revealed a bit much. Dean didn’t know him well enough to be comfortable in that kind of grief, so he needed to be better about not oversharing.

 

“I’m fine,” he assured him with a placating gesture. “It… comes and goes. I’m just really tired.”

 

“No one should have to go through that shit alone, Cas… and hey, you’re trying, right? That’s more than can be said about most people dealing with this kinda stuff _and_ having a kid. You’re doing pretty damn good considering the circumstance. As long as you keep doing what you’re doing and giving her all the love and good things and other crap kids crave, you’ll be fine.”

 

Cas sighed, expression a bit embarrassed, a bit shameful. “That’s the thing though, Dean. I don’t know how I feel about her… I know that’s terrible to say, but… she’s only been in my life a few weeks and crying for most of it. Right now she’s just this weird little person living in my house.” He leaned his head back with a groan, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I really do sound like a horrible person.”

 

“Nah,” Dean said, and Cas was startled when Sophie was suddenly handed to him. She blinked up at him before settling into his arms, accepting the pacifier Dean placed in her mouth. “No one falls in love at first sight outside of Disney movies, all right? With all the other stuff brewing in you right now, that’s not weird to feel that way. Once you get to know her, you’ll feel it.”

 

“I wish I could be as sure about it as you are,” Cas said, sliding a hand over Sophie’s soft hair. There was still food to eat, but he was too tired to bother with it now.

 

“You will,” Dean said. “Look, she already recognizes you. She’s comfortable with you now that you’re holding her right. She’s too little to understand much, but she can feel stuff. Once you get there, you’ll be just like her... Maybe a little less drooly, but yeah.”

 

“You don’t know how much I drool,” Cas offered, but it was a weak tease at best. “You uh... you probably need to get to work, don’t you? Your other job that actually _pays_ you.”

 

“Room and board is payment,” Dean laughed, “but... yeah, I can stay a little longer if you need me to. I can call Ellen and tell her--”

 

“No, no. I can’t ask you to do that. You’ve already done far more than necessary.” He would have liked Dean to stay if he was being honest, but he’d already asked far too much as it was. It just would have been nice to have his help. It was easy to feel inept considering he hadn’t even put together the whole nursery yet, but if Dean was there, maybe he’d finally have the time. Not tonight, though, not after Dean had bought him dinner. He probably didn’t have much money, considering he allowed himself to stay with a stranger.

 

“Go on,” Cas told him, nodding his head towards the door. “Go. I’ll be all right. I need to be able to do this on my own anyway. I’m okay, I promise.”

 

Dean worried his bottom lip between his teeth briefly, then nodded, moving to the paper Cas had left on the fridge earlier in the day. He scribbled out two numbers underneath the ones Cas had written and nodded his head, satisfied. “That’s my cell number and the number for the bar. Just in case. I’ll be home late. Midnight, if I’m lucky, but probably later.” He tickled Sophie’s tummy with a wiggle of his fingers, causing her to squeak around her pacifier. “Don’t be too hard on him, all right? He’s just one man, and he’s pretty nice. Just be as nice to him as you were to me.”

 

Cas smiled softly, feeling more at ease than he had in weeks. It didn’t mean the stress was gone, but Dean’s kindness was enough to lighten the load a little. “Thank you, Dean... I’ll see you tomorrow, bright and early.”

 

“That you will,” Dean said, giving Cas’s shoulder another squeeze. “Don’t think it’ll be a bother if you call me, though. I wanna help however I can.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

After Dean left, Cas got Sophie bathed and into her nighty. She dozed off easily while laying on Cas’s chest, and her gentle breathing made it easy for him as well.

 

At last, they both got a good night’s sleep.

 

\--

 

Cas couldn’t help but check on Dean in the morning, as if afraid he didn’t come back. The tuft of hair visible from under the blankets on the bed in the spare room proved he definitely had. The room had a weird separation to it-- half of it was a messy almost-nursery. The other half was Dean’s things, which seemed to consist of some beat up old photographs and books, and stacks of cassette tapes and records. There was an old brown leather jacket hanging on the doorknob of the closet, and everything he’d hung up inside of it looked to be plaid. Eclectic, he supposed was the nice word for it, but it didn’t really feel like home for anyone. Maybe if he finished Sophie’s end, it would feel less like a guest room.

 

To make up for the dinner Dean had purchased the night before, Cas decided to make breakfast. He was far from a chef, but he could manage scrambled eggs and bacon and toast, so that was what he did. Sophie, having slept better the last two days than she had the entire time she’d been there, was actually handling quite easily, gumming on a teething ring that... wait, where had that come from?

 

“Nice, right?”

 

Cas looked up to find a slept-in Dean shuffling into the kitchen, hair a mess, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and boxers. Cas sort of felt like he was looking at him for the first time. In Cas’s exhaustion Dean had only come across as a rather gruff looking savior, but he was softer and more human like this. Younger than Cas by a couple of years, freckles everywhere, boyish good looks. He wasn’t sure how he’d missed it before even as tired as he was.

 

He reminded himself not to stare and looked back to Sophie and her teething ring. “You got her this?”

 

“I picked them up from the store on the way home from work. I know she doesn’t have any teeth coming in, but I figured it’d be safer for her to drool on than everything else. Besides, didn’t look like you’d been able to unpack all her toys yet, so this should help entertain her at least.”

 

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re thoughtful?” Cas asked as he handed Dean a plate.

 

“Never, not even once. Awesome, maybe. Resourceful. Handsome.” He grinned.

 

Cas snorted but didn’t deny Dean’s claims because surely there was some truth to them. He lifted Sophie out of her little swing, and snagged the bottle out of the microwave. She drank from it greedily. “I wanted to make up for dinner last night so... breakfast. I hope it’s all right.”

 

“You’ll never hear me complain about free food,” Dean said, promptly taking a seat at the table and digging in. “Aren’t you gonna have some?”

 

“Oh, I’m not much of a breakfast eater,” Cas admitted. “Mostly just coffee for me. I did have some toast already though. I’ve got to head off to work in a few minutes so—“

 

His sentence was abruptly cut off with a cringe as Sophie abruptly spit up on the front of his shirt.

 

“…so, I will head there after I change my shirt,” Cas finished, frowning at the milky stain as he put Sophie back in her swing, cleaning the little bit of milk off of her chin with a rag. He walked swiftly back to his bedroom, unbuttoning the shirt along the way. When he threw the shirt into the hamper, he grimaced at the amount of laundry there was to do. He hadn’t touched it in days… He supposed he’d have to do that when he got home.

 

As he came back out, buttoning the new shirt, he was a bit surprised to find Dean standing in the kitchen doorway with his plate, as if he’d watched Cas go down the hallway. He quickly disappeared back into the kitchen when Cas saw him though, almost like he was embarrassed.

 

Cas decided to ignore his face warming and didn’t acknowledge it when he returned, knotting his tie. “You don’t need anything from me before I go?” he asked as he took a final swallow of his coffee before putting the mug in the sink.

 

Dean shook his head. “Nope. Think I got it all figured out. Get her dressed, take her for a stroll around the neighborhood, pick up some stuff at the grocery store to make dinner. Figured since I have a place to cook I might as well actually use it.”

 

“I bought groceries a few days ago. That’s how we met.”

 

“Yeah, but everything in there is baby formula and TV dinners. I’m all for TV dinners myself, but if there’s someone to cook, might as well, right?”

 

“You shouldn’t spend your money on me.”

 

“It’s not just for you. It’s for me too, and it’ll give me something to do so I’m not bugging Sammy with phone calls when he’s trying to study or whatever…”

 

With Cas’s unsure look, Dean sighed. “Look, it’s… what I do, all right? Ask Sam, ask anyone. I take care of people. It’s one of my few good qualities. It’s a job for me, and I always do a good job. If that makes me a pain in the ass, then so be it.”

 

“You’re not a pain in the ass,” Cas said. “I’ll stop bringing it up so much. I’m sorry… I’m just not used to such generosity.”

 

“You gave me a real house to sleep in. I don’t think I’d call it generous so much as being fair.”

 

Cas shook his head, smiling a bit in disbelief. “You’re a good man, Dean.”

 

At least he had something to look forward to when he got home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

 

With Dean in the house, Cas found his life becoming much more manageable. Which meant it was just his luck that it only took about eight days for it all to go to hell.

 

It wasn’t Dean’s fault, of course—Dean was almost the perfect housemate. Sure, he had the tendency to talk with his mouth full, and he had a rather bad habit of cursing regardless of whether Sophie was there or not (Dean claimed that since she couldn’t understand it, it wasn’t a big deal, but Cas wasn’t so certain). His long showers would have been a problem, but Cas showered in the morning while Dean showered at night, so it didn’t matter. Dean was frankly quite great to live with. Friendly, a good cook, great with Sophie. Best of all, he didn’t urge Cas to talk about his sister like Gabriel did when he called. As far as Dean was concerned, everyone had their shit, and Cas’s shit was none of his business. Cas couldn’t agree more.

 

The stomach pain had started in the afternoon on his commute home from work, a dull ache that was just enough to be unpleasant. He assumed he had pulled a muscle or something and tried to just ignore it. It made tending to Sophie’s needs more difficult, but when Dean had asked if he was feeling all right when he was on his way out the door, Cas assured him not to worry. Even if he’d barely touched his dinner, he was fine. “Just the wear of the day,” he’d explained, and since that fell under the category of Cas’s shit, Dean didn’t push further and headed off to work.

 

Around two a.m., the pain had moved lower and began to intensify. He tried his damnedest to sleep through it but eventually got up when it was too painful. He couldn’t even rise to full height, curling over as he shuffled to the bathroom and looked for painkillers. He didn’t have anything, but he definitely wasn’t in the shape to get out and go buy some. He considered texting Dean to pick something up on the way home from the bar (he should have been home in about an hour), but didn’t want to bother him. Dean had already spent enough money on him and Sophie as it was.

 

He checked on Sophie in the bassinet and thankfully found her sleeping soundly. He shivered, wrapped himself in a blanket, and tried to go to sleep again.

 

Around five a.m., the vomiting started. He was thankfully (or at least as thankful as one could be when vomiting) up with Sophie when the nausea began, so he was able to make it to the bathroom, but that didn’t mean he felt better when it was done. Certain he was suffering from food poisoning or some sort of virus, he spent the next few hours in and out of the bathroom, trying very hard to be quiet so that both Sophie and Dean could sleep.

 

He had his forehead pressed to the cool porcelain on the side of the toilet when he heard Dean get up and start moving through the house. After a few minutes where he was surely looking for any sign of Cas, there was a knock on the bathroom door. “Hey, you didn’t fall in, did you?” he asked. “You almost done? I need to take a leak.”

 

Cas got to his feet, body protesting every movement. He felt physically drained and found his palms sweaty when he took hold of the doorknob. Dean was awake which meant Cas was way behind schedule. He needed to shower, get dressed, get to work. Naomi would have his head if he was late. She wasn’t unkind necessarily, but he doubted it’d make much difference to her that he’d been up all night.

 

“I’m sorry,” Cas croaked when he opened the door. “I’m—I’m running behind, Sophie’s still in bed, if you could just—change her, feed her…”

 

God, standing was excruciating. He wanted to just lean into Dean and let himself be lead to bed.

 

“Jesus, Cas, you look like hell,” Dean said. One of his hands had already gripped to Cas’s shoulder as if to steady him.  “Were you in there all night?”

 

“Not all of it,” Cas said, trying weakly to push by Dean so that he could grab some clothes to wear. He figured he might as well skip the shower since standing much longer was not an option. He doubted he’d look any less hellish anyway. “I just need you to get started a little early today, I’m sorry, I—“

 

“Cas,” Dean said firmly, a hand sliding up onto Cas’s forehead. “C’mon, man, seriously… You feel warm. You can’t go into work like this.”

 

“I can’t afford _not_ to go in, Dean,” Cas said, trying not to let his eyes close. Dean’s hand was blessedly cold.

 

“Sit down before you fall down,” Dean demanded, helping Cas into the living room and onto the sofa. “You can’t even stand up straight. What the hell happened?”

 

“I’m just ill,” Cas said, hunching over almost to the point that his head was between his knees. He couldn’t stop shivering. “I must have caught something.”

 

He could only see Dean’s feet from the angle his head was at, but he could sense his eyes on him. After a moment, Dean walked away, and Cas thought he was just going to leave it, but then he returned with a thermometer. Before Cas could protest, Dean shoved it between his lips.

 

By this point, Sophie had worked herself up into a tizzy, screaming from the back of the house. Dean left Cas alone only to fetch her and attempt to calm her down. Dean never faltered for a second, returning with the still sniffling child right as the thermometer beeped.

 

“I can’t miss work,” Cas said as soon as the thermometer was out of his mouth. “I still haven’t caught up on everything. I have to make rent.”

 

“You got a hundred and one degree fever, buddy,” he said. “Ain’t no way anyone’s gonna _let_ you work. Can you even stand up straight?”

 

Cas decided it was probably better if he didn’t answer that question.

 

“Look, I’ll call your boss for you, okay? No big deal. I’ve taken care of sick people before. Sam would catch every cold and flu to come down the pike when he was a kid.”

 

“I’m not a _kid_ , Dean,” Cas offered and promptly shut up when he felt vomit threatening to snake its way up his throat. He dropped his head into his hands and just tried to breathe through it, still sensing Dean’s eyes on him even while he was working to get Sophie changed.

 

“Cas,” Dean said, and his voice was softer now. “This seems pretty serious. I ought to take you to the hospital.”

 

“I definitely can’t afford a hospital right now,” Cas said. He was in too much pain to say he didn’t need to go though.

 

“Dude, I’ll pay for it, all right? Whatever insurance doesn’t cover, I got it, but you—“

 

“I can’t ask you to do that… besides, it’s probably just… a bug.” He dry heaved and curled further into himself, begging God or whoever else was out there to make the pain stop.

 

“You didn’t ask me,” Dean said, and his cool hand was on the back of Cas’s neck. “I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry about it.”

 

Cas himself knew that his own lack of protest was a sign of the agony he was in.

 

Dean left Cas’s side, getting Sophie into her car seat and out into his Impala. Cas wrapped himself in a blanket to fight off the chill, wondering who he’d pissed off in the cosmos to keep getting dealt such a shitty hand.

 

When Dean returned, he had Cas’s jacket in his hand, but after a moment he just tossed it onto the sofa. “All right, big guy,” he said, tucking the blanket in around Cas more tightly before lifting him into his arms bridal-style with a grunt. “If we get there and they tell you it’s no big deal, you’re welcome to punch me, all right?”

 

Castiel nodded, breathing in and out through his nose as Dean carefully carried him out to the car.

 

\--

 

Cas felt guilty for puking in Dean’s car. He knew Dean was upset about it, but he assured him it was fine and he’d clean it up later. It was hard to focus on anything else to feel bad about for too long anyway. While Dean was up at the front desk, Cas had slumped into a seat in the waiting room next to Sophie in her car seat. She was fussy, wriggling around in the chair with wet eyes, and Cas used the end of his sleeve to dab at the little tears and the mess under her nose.

 

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, stroking her hair. “You missed breakfast because of me, huh.”

 

Dean had packed a diaper bag before he’d brought them here, but Cas wasn’t certain there were any bottles inside of it. Dean had been in such a rush… It was a little funny how at ease Sophie was in the Impala, not put off by Dean’s speed or by the roar of the engine. If anything, it had soothed her. Normally she would have been in full on tantrum mode by now.

 

“Once this is over, we’ll get you something, okay?” he asked her, as if she could respond back.

 

She whined but still took the pacifier he pressed to her lips.

 

It was then that Dean came walking back over, looking a little shaken up from the drive even though he wasn’t the one in pain. Cas tried to offer him a smile to put him at ease, but it didn’t really work.

 

“How you feeling?” Dean asked, shoving his hands into his pockets as a nurse approached with a wheelchair.

 

“I’ve been better,” he admitted, not having the strength to argue whether or not he needed to be pushed to the exam room. “I… I haven’t called my office yet. My boss is going to wring my neck.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, well, I’ll figure something out. It’s the Winchester way,” Dean said, taking Cas by the arm and helping him into the chair. “Let’s find out what the doc says before we do anything though, all right?”

 

Well, at least if they had a name for whatever was wrong, maybe Naomi would be a little more understanding. Castiel had given up trying to talk Dean into taking him home anyway, so he figured he might as well just deal.

 

The doctor had gotten Cas up onto the table and first applied pressure to his lower abdomen before releasing it, only for Cas to double over in pain when he assured him it now hurt a hell of a lot worse. Blood and urine were taken for testing, and Cas had hoped that was the end of it, but then he was given an ultrasound. How long had he been here for already? He was having trouble keeping track, though he supposed it was the fever dulling the edges of his perception that caused that. Dean was still out in the waiting room with Sophie where she was probably getting more upset by the minute… He just wanted to go home…

 

“Well?” Cas asked.

 

The doctor’s lips thinned before he sat back and said, “It’s pretty clear to me that you’ve got appendicitis. We need to get you scheduled for an appendectomy right away or things are going to get a lot worse.”

 

“I… no, I can’t—I can’t have _surgery_ today,” Cas tried, eyes a bit wide. “I’ve got a job to go to, a baby to take care of.”

 

“Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Novak, but you don’t really have any other choice. We’ll get you up into a room and on some antibiotics. Not to worry. If everything goes as procedure, you’ll be back to your normal activities in one to two weeks’ time.”

 

That was certainly something Cas _was_ worried about, but he’d already been told he didn’t have a choice. He tried to calculate in his head how long he could last on his savings if he was stuck at home for two weeks, and the numbers didn’t look pretty. He groaned, sliding his hands over his face. “I need to talk to Dean.”

 

“We'll get you up to the room first, and then you can discuss with your partner.”

 

Castiel was surprised that the words _he's not my partner_ died on his lips before he could say them. He supposed he could understand the reason why they thought that, after all. Two men showing up with a baby and Dean looking like a scared puppy? It wasn't a difficult leap to make. It wasn't that he thought they _were_ partners, _obviously_. He and Dean only barely knew each other despite being housemates, and even though Dean was-- well...

 

It wasn't a secret that Dean was a good-looking man. Even without really focusing on it, it was something Cas had been aware of from the day he'd met him. It had been more obvious now that Cas had had more time to actually look at him, but it wasn't something he allowed himself to pay too much attention to. Dean was a good guy, sure... but neither of them had time for a relationship of any kind, and Castiel sure as hell didn't want to screw up what they already had.

 

Without Dean, Cas was fairly sure his life really would fall apart.

 

That kind of dependence on a person was certain to get old for Dean pretty quickly. There was absolutely no need to complicate that with any sort of romantic venture, especially considering how much better Dean could do than a tired office-jockey.

 

Still, he'd play the part with the doctor if only because it'd be easier to communicate with Dean if they assumed they were together. A partner probably held a bit more respect than a buddy, and if Cas was going to be stuck here, he needed to have a lifeline.

 

He was quickly taken up to a room and put into a bed. He was grateful it only took a few minutes before they allowed a very sallow-faced Dean into the room. Cas supposed even Dean hadn’t suspected whatever ailed Cas was bad enough to need surgery.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Castiel said first and foremost.

 

“Don’t even start,” Dean said, managing a smile despite the concern. Cas wondered how Dean had gotten so good at putting on a brave face. He certainly felt like he could use that skill right now. “I’ve got it all taken care of, Cas. You just need to focus on getting better, all right? I can’t keep Sophie here, of course, but uh… do you want me to leave her with someone and come back? Is there somebody I should call?”

 

Briefly Castiel considered asking Dean to call Gabriel, but he really didn’t want the two of them to have a conversation, certain Gabriel would get the wrong idea. A large part of him did want Dean to come back and stay with him if only because he’d never been in surgery before and going it alone was fucking terrifying. His luck hadn’t exactly been on his side lately, so he wasn’t as confident about the results as his doctor was. Anything could happen in surgery, and if _he_ … well, in any case, he didn’t want Sophie going through another tragedy.

 

“You can’t pay for this,” he said instead. “It’s not fair.”

 

“Your insurance covered it for the most part,” Dean said, adjusting a fussy Sophie in his arms. She seemed like she was on the verge of another tantrum, though Cas felt it was justified. “Don’t worry about it, okay? Seriously though, do you got any family or anything I should—“

 

“Not really, no,” Cas cut him off, rubbing a hand over his eyes, exhausted. “Just please call my office, beg my boss for her forgiveness. I can’t lose my job over this.”

 

“She wouldn’t fire you, man,” Dean said, and Cas sighed softly as a hand brushed against his forehead, almost like it was checking for fever. Dean must have been good with Sophie because he had a way about him that made his touch instantly soothe. “You can sue the hell out of her if she does.”

 

“Thank you, Dean… you should get her home, feed her, get her cleaned up. A hospital’s no place for a kid. They’re going to take me off to surgery soon anyway probably, so…”

 

“Yeah…” Dean said softly, slightly awkward. It was almost like he didn’t want to leave. “Well, all right, give the little lady a kiss goodbye.” He knelt close so that Cas could brush his lips to her little forehead, and the gesture did soften her whines a little. Cas still wasn’t sure how to express affection, but whatever worked was fine with him.

 

“Catch you later, Cas,” Dean said, and Cas breathed out and did his best to believe that.

 

After Dean left, a nurse came in and spoke with him, and within an hour he was wheeled off to surgery.

 

\--

 

When Castiel awoke, it was to the sounds of soft bickering and baby babbling. He blinked slowly as the room returned to focus and turned his head to find the source. Standing near his bedside was Dean with a sleeping Sophie, as well as a taller brunet Cas had never seen before. Dean and this other man seemed to be familiar with one another though, considering the way they were arguing. He couldn’t quite make out what they were saying to each other even though they were close by. He supposed that was the medication he was surely on that dulled his senses.

 

“Dean?” he croaked. His mouth felt like it was moving slower than usual.

 

The two abruptly stopped whispering at each other and turned in tandem back towards Cas, both looking a tad embarrassed.

 

“Heya, Cas,” Dean said, making quick work to sit in a chair by the bed, smiling as if he and the other guy hadn’t been fighting. “How are you feeling?”

 

“Well,” Cas slurred a little, “the anesthesia’s wearing off, so it hurts some, but compared to earlier it’s much better.” He turned his gaze to the stranger standing behind Dean, still looking a tad uncomfortable.

 

Dean followed his gaze and cleared his throat. “Oh, uh. This is Sam, my brother. I brought him with me. I uhh… called him to help me out with Sophie since I didn’t know how long they’d keep you. They said they were gonna keep you overnight after all, so…”

 

“Hi,” Sam offered, briefly lifting his hand in a half wave. “Sorry we didn’t meet under better circumstances.”

 

Even with his dulled senses, Cas didn’t know how he’d ever missed the fact that this was Dean’s brother. They didn’t look similar anywhere except the eyes, but Sam had a feeling about him that just felt familiar. He could see the respect Sam had for Dean in the way his shoulders were squared, and he supposed that came from Dean essentially raising him. Cas hadn’t really realized just how close in age they were though, which made that feat all the more impressive.

 

“Hello, Sam,” Cas managed, trying for a smile and hoping he succeeded. “Thank you for helping Dean… I’m sorry it all turned out this way. It was probably a bit chaotic for the both of you… You spoke with my boss, though, right? Is everything okay?”

 

“Got the doc to send her a note and everything,” Dean said, grinning. “All is good.”

 

“And the surgery… it went well?”

 

“If it hadn’t, I probably would’a punched the guy,” Dean laughed.

 

“Dean,” Sam said in a warning tone.

 

“Lighten up, Sammy, it was just a joke.”

 

Cas wanted to ask what they had been arguing about, but figured it wasn’t his place, even if there was still a small amount of tense air between them. “You should take her home,” he said instead, glancing at Sophie. “Sam, you can stay there tonight if you want. Stay as long as you like. Hopefully I’ll be home tomorrow so that you can go back to school. I hope you weren’t taken out of class for this.”

 

“Don’t worry about it,” Sam said, sounding an awful, awful lot like Dean. “You just focus on getting better.”

 

Cas managed a nod and let his eyes fall closed, drifting off to the whispered voices he’d woken up to. When he woke again, all three of them were gone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

 

Castiel was allowed to go home the next day, but he left with information that made him want to hurl himself into traffic. The doctor had included in his note to his boss that he needed to stay home for at least a week, and he’d told him that he could do absolutely no heavy lifting or strenuous activity for at least two.

 

One week without being paid, along with bills and prescription meds, not to mention the other expenses he’d been barely scraping by on… it was all overwhelming. Dean had said he’d take care of it, but it had to be too much. There was no way he could manage it on his own.

 

Dean seemed far more confident about it as he wheeled Cas’s chair out to the waiting Impala. “I got a pretty face, man. I get damned good tips on the weekends. You don’t need to worry about it, all right? I got it.”

 

Cas glanced up at him, skeptical, and rightly so.

 

Dean faltered a bit and said, “A promise is a promise, all right? Just let me do this.”

 

“If I had any other choice, I would stop you,” Cas said with a grunt as Dean helped him into the car. He ached everywhere, and he doubted that was going to get better for a bit.

 

“It’ll be fine. I can save my money a lot more easily now that I live at your place. You’re only going to be off work for a week anyway, so don’t stress so much. Trust me here, I know what it’s like to have nothin’, and you’ve got more than you think. You’re gonna be all right, Cas.”

 

Cas couldn’t really argue that logic even if he wanted to. Dean seemed confident, so he supposed he should trust in his judgment. He hadn’t steered him wrong so far.

 

Sighing, Cas turned to look out the window and just listen to the classic rock playing softly on Dean’s radio. “So… where is Sophie?” he asked after a minute.

 

“She’s back at the house,” Dean assured him. “I asked Sam to watch her for me.”

 

“He didn’t seem very happy when the two of you were in my hospital room.”

 

Dean coughed, cleared his throat. The sound drew Cas’s eyes back to him and his slightly awkward, embarrassed expression. “Uh, so you uh… noticed that, huh.”

 

“I thought you and your brother were close,” Castiel said, brow furrowing in confusion.

 

“We are. We were…? We _are_. Sam’s just a little… well, he’s pissed that I followed him out here, you know? I think he was looking to almost sorta… start over, I guess. Now that Dad’s gone, he’s kinda free to do what he wants, and he got this scholarship up at the school, so he decided to go do the lawyer thing… I guess he expected me to set up camp wherever I was, but I couldn’t just… I couldn’t leave him. I know he can take care of himself, I know that. Hell, he’s better at taking care of himself than I am at taking care of myself, but… I don’t know. What was I supposed to do? Just sit by states away and wait for him to call? That’s not how I do things.”

 

“Perhaps Sam wanted a fresh start for you as well,” Castiel offered.

 

“I was never all that good at the school thing. I got my GED, and I know how to charm a lady and I know how to fix cars, but that’s about it. I ain’t exactly batting a thousand here.” He offered a smile in an attempt to turn his statement into a joke, but it was sad around the edges.

 

“I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit here,” Cas said softly. “I would have drowned over this whole Sophie thing if it weren’t for you… actually, I might even be dead, or at least very sick, because I know I wouldn’t have taken myself to the hospital. You’re a good person, Dean…”

 

“Yeah, well, tell that to Sammy,” Dean snorted, slowing to a stop at a red light.

 

“He already knows, Dean. The whole reason why you’re even fighting is because you care too much to let him go. He’s not angry with you. He just wants you to trust his judgment.”

 

“How do you know that?” There was a twinge of vulnerability there, like the bravado Dean always had on display had drained out of him a bit. He turned his green eyes on Cas, meeting his gaze, and Cas found it impossible to actually look away.

 

“I know, Dean, because I know you. You raised him. He’s a lot more like you than you realize.”

 

“Well, I feel sorry for him then.”

 

“Dean—”

 

Before Cas could retort, the car behind them blared its horn, signaling that the light had changed while they were distracted. Both of them jolted out of their eye contact, and Dean sped off. Cas ventured only another glance at him, but he was sure he was imagining the blushing.

 

\--

 

Cas had been a bit surprised by the little bit of information Dean had let through his proverbial wall, but he found his surprise amped up to eleven when they returned home and he found the place... _clean_.

 

It wasn’t like it hadn’t been clean before, of course, but it was definitely a hell of a lot more organized than it had been since Sophie had arrived. It was hard to keep the house from looking like a tornado had blown through it when there was a baby and a 9 to 5 job in the mix, but today he found that there were no toys to trip over and no boxes were to be seen. He’d sort of forgotten what the house looked like without all the clutter.

 

“Did you do all of this?” Cas asked, astounded as he shuffled forward into the living room.

 

“Uh… well, Sam helped a little,” Dean said. “I figured, y’know since we were here… better to spend time doing something than sitting on my ass.”

 

Dean seemed to be trying his damndest not to make a big deal out of it, but to Cas it really was. After the days, weeks, _months_ he’d had, it meant a whole hell of a lot. “Thank you, Dean,” he breathed, even though he knew it wasn’t enough. He turned and wrapped his arms around him, giving him the best embrace he could muster given the fact that he could hardly move.

 

“It’s nothing, Cas, really,” Dean said, stiffening a bit at the affectionate gesture, giving Cas a slightly awkward pat on the back.

 

Cas wanted to say more, really wanted to just hug him tighter and breathe in his cologne and aftershave, but he didn’t want to make it uncomfortable. He released him, giving him a nod as he scrubbed the back of his neck with his hand. “I uh… I suppose I should lay down for a while… but I’d like to see Sophie first.”

 

“Uh, sure, yeah,” Dean said. “Sam probably put her down for her nap.”

 

It appeared Dean was absolutely correct, though he supposed he hadn't expected Sam to be down for that same nap. Sophie was snoozing away in the bassinet while Sam was spread out the wrong way on Dean's bed, hand still in the bassinet where she'd wrapped her hand around his finger and hadn't let go. Dean looked ready to almost laugh, but instead he snagged a blanket out of the closet and draped it over Sam's sleeping form. Cas didn't know how Dean could possibly see himself as anything but a good guy.

 

“Damn,” Dean said, keeping his voice soft so as not to wake either of them. “Maybe I should sleep too.”

 

Cas lifted his hand to touch Dean's shoulder but decided against it, instead letting it settle on the edge of the bassinet. He leaned over carefully, trying not to grimace from the pain, and brushed a kiss to Sophie's brow. “Don't worry. I probably won't sleep. Just lay there for a bit. Come and get me if you need me, okay?”

 

“Yeah, man, absolutely.”

 

Cas nodded, pausing in the doorway for a moment before turning back and saying, “For what it's worth... and it may not be much... You're a good man, Dean. A good friend, and a good brother. I'm thankful Sophie has you in her life.”

 

Dean said nothing, but the look in his eyes stayed with Cas even after he laid down in his room and closed his eyes.

 

–

 

The next morning when Cas got up, he was still moving slowly—possibly even slower than before, in fact. He’d been instructed by his doctors to move around as much as he could while still taking it easy because he’d recover faster, but the aches and pains were already unpleasant enough while lying still. For a while, he just stayed in bed, dozing, listening as the rest of the house woke. He heard Dean moving about after the sun had come up, caught hints of Sophie babbling, the smell of breakfast. The house was small and the walls a bit thin, so it was difficult not to catch onto what was going on in the other rooms, so Cas couldn’t help but eavesdrop a little.

 

He could only catch pieces of it with the walls in the way, but Cas was certain they were arguing again, although that maybe wasn’t the right word. Bickering, more like. It seemed that the awkwardness had subsided some and they were behaving more like the siblings they always had been. He supposed it could have just been that they didn’t want to fight in front of Sophie though.

 

“—can’t believe you moved in with some guy you barely know and you’re paying his bills.”

 

“I’m just helpin’ a guy out, Sammy.”

 

“You don’t think this is _weird_? It’s weird, Dean.”

 

“He didn’t _ask_ to have appendicitis, dude, just like he didn’t _ask_ to be taking care of a baby.”

 

“What’s the story on that, anyway?”

 

Cas swallowed at the moment of silence that followed. He could hear them clearly as they moved into Dean’s room, likely so that Dean could change Sophie. Cas hadn’t been very talkative about Anna or what had happened, but he imagined Dean could connect the dots. Still, it felt like he was being uncomfortably exposed when the question presented itself, and he wasn’t sure what Dean was going to say.

 

Thankfully, Dean seemed to be on his wavelength. “I don’t know the details, but it’s not really my business,” he said softly. “It ain’t something he wants to talk about, so I’m not gonna push him to. I think it’s obvious that the circumstances aren’t great, regardless.”

 

“Yeah, well… okay, but… don’t you kind of feel like you’re… being taken advantage of here? I know how you are, Dean, better than anyone. You like to be useful, I get that, but you should be saving your money for yourself, getting your own place, living your own life.”

 

“I am living my own life,” Dean said. “He didn’t ask me to do any of this shit, all right? I decided it on my own. In fact, he was trying really hard not to let me do all this too, but I did it anyway, and that’s the way it is. I know what you’re thinking. I know you think that I’m just taking all that family stuff that you’re avoiding and putting it on Cas, but I’m not. This is just the best way to solve both our problems. It just made sense, Sammy.”

 

“It made sense,” Sam said, voice skeptical.

 

“It did! I’m not doing it under any sort of obligation, and he ain’t manipulating me any sort of way. This is Cas we’re talking about. You saw him. He doesn’t have it in him for that. Besides, it’s kinda nice to not be on my own. Maybe you like coming home to an empty—whatever it is you’re living in at the college—but I don’t. It’s nice.”

 

There was a beat where all Cas could hear was Sophie, and then Sam said, “You’re not doing this just to make him like you, right?”

 

“He already likes me.”

 

“I didn’t mean like that. I meant…” Sam trailed off, as if waiting for Dean to finish the thought. Cas felt his face warm at what Sam was implying. Maybe he wasn’t as good of a guy as Dean said, otherwise he wouldn’t be listening in on a conversation he was clearly not meant to hear. It wasn’t his fault though, considering they were almost right outside his door. Besides, he couldn’t help but be curious now that Sam had brought it up. Did he know whether or not Dean was…?

 

“We’re not talking about that kind of shit, Sam. Ever.”

 

\--

 

Sam and Dean were out much of the day with Sophie, likely to give Cas time to rest. He did take full advantage, though it wasn’t easy to do since he was so used to being constantly in motion. He’d tried not to think too much about the conversation he’d heard that morning, but when he was alone it was difficult not to. He knew Sam was wrong, of course, that Dean wasn’t just doing this because he wanted Cas to like him… but the implication in general was hard to ignore, especially with the non-answer it had received.

 

It shouldn’t have mattered, and really it didn’t. Cas had found over the years that sexual orientation wasn’t of particular import to him. He’d found himself interested in both boys and girls when he’d hit puberty but because of the religious upbringing he shared with his foster siblings, it was never something he’d explored. In fact, he’d very seldom experienced anything of the sort with either sex. He didn’t really consider himself _shy_ so much as cautious, and since Anna and Gabriel were much more wild than he was, it sort of fell on him to be the good, studious one. Maybe that kind of thinking had backfired on him, which was why he was in his thirties and an office jockey without a significant other or at least the loss of his virginity.

 

Why did that matter though? It wasn’t like he was interested in Dean.

 

Tired of loafing about, Cas set about (slowly) preparing some sort of dinner. He was far from a culinary expert, but he supposed tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches would do for tonight. It was certainly better than reheated takeout, anyway, and it was about all he could manage since he couldn’t lift anything particularly heavy.

 

He certainly knew when Dean and his brother got back anyway, hearing the rumble of his car long before he heard them somewhat loudly make their way in.

 

“Dude, you won’t even believe it,” Dean said without even a hello as he came thundering into the kitchen. “She almost rolled over at the park, swear to god. I mean, she made it sorta to her side, but that’s pretty impressive.”

 

“Hello, Dean,” Cas said, sliding the last of the sandwiches onto a plate before wiping his hands with a dish towel. “She probably won’t manage it for another couple of weeks or so, but she’s getting there.” He was definitely impressed with her, of course, knowing that a small action like that was a very, very big one for a baby, but admittedly his mind was elsewhere when Dean came in.

 

Ever since that conversation he’d overheard, he couldn’t help but _see_ Dean. Cas had been so distracted by everything else going on that he’d only taken Dean in as a helper and not really seen him so much as a man. Sure, he’d noticed the freckles and the pretty green color of his eyes, but he’d never looked at the details in any sort of context. He’d never appreciated the fullness of Dean’s lips or the angle of his jaw or the length of his fingers. Cas wasn’t fishing for a date or anything of the sort, but now that he could fully comprehend how attractive Dean was, it seemed kind of implausible that he could have ever not been aware.

 

It wouldn’t do well for him to start crushing on his live-in babysitter though, so he decided to set the thoughts aside and focus on the dinner. “I cooked, so I hope you’re hungry. I made a grilled cheese for you as well, Sam.”

 

“Oh, um. Th-Thanks, Cas,” Sam said a bit sheepishly. Cas still wasn’t sure if Sam liked him much.

 

“I bet she’ll be rolling over by next week,” Dean said confidently as he placed Sophie into her seat near the table. “The squirt’s a damned trooper. You should have seen how far she got.”

 

“I’m sure I will witness it at some point,” Cas said, smiling softly as Dean gave her tummy a tickle.

 

“And also when her first sentence is ‘son of a bitch’,” Sam said, grinning a bit. “Come on, Dean, don’t curse around the baby.”

 

“She can’t repeat it back yet,” Dean scoffed. “To her it’s all just sounds, right? Besides, her first sentence being ‘son of a bitch’ would be pretty badass, don’t you think?” His smile faded when he met Cas’s gaze and raised eyebrows. “That is to say, her first sentence should be ‘I love Papa Cas’?”

 

Cas’s brow furrowed in confusion at the nickname, but more for the connotation than the cutesiness of it. “I don’t know if it’d be right for her to call me Papa or Daddy or… anything like that. I’m not her dad.”

 

There was a moment of quiet that Cas dreaded, not wanting the sympathetic looks over such a statement. Unexpectedly, it was Sam who spoke up. “What are you talking about? Yes, you are. You’re the one who takes care of her, right? She might not be your blood, but that’s not what family is.”

 

“Family don’t end in blood,” Dean said matter-of-factly, taking the plates over to the table before shooing Cas to sit so he could ladle the soup into the bowls for everyone.

 

“I… I guess that’s true,” Cas said.

 

“Of course it is,” Dean said. “Look at how Dad-like you’re being right now. You’re keeping an eye on her even though you’re hurt, and you made dinner for everybody. Some might say that’s Mom stuff, but hey, I don’t discriminate.”

 

“Mostly because that was all the stuff you did,” Sam mumbled. Dean didn’t hear it, but Cas did.

 

“How are you feeling by the way?” Dean asked.

 

“I… okay, I guess. It still hurts, and it’s hard for me to sit around so much when I’m not used to it. I want to be more helpful.”

 

“You already did more than enough. Chill out. Relax. You have a valid excuse, so why not use it?”

 

Cas couldn’t really argue with that.

 

Dinner was quiet for the most part, though it wasn’t awkward. Sam seemed like he felt a little out of place, but Cas hoped that would change over time. He could understand the man’s reservations about him even if they didn’t have any grounding. Sam just wanted to protect his brother, just like Dean did for him. They really were a lot more similar than they realized.

 

After dinner, the Winchesters set about cleaning up the kitchen, and Cas took Sophie into the living room to feed her. She drank from the bottle hungrily, staring up at him with eyes just like Anna’s, and when he hoisted her up on his shoulder and burped her, he couldn’t help but press a chaste kiss to her temple. She made a soft sound, her tiny fist gripping his shirt, and warmth flooded through his chest.

 

He’d been so worried he could never love her and could never really be a parent to her. It looked like Dean had been right though. He’d figured it out. It certainly helped that she made it so easy.

 

He lounged longways on the couch, settling Sophie on his chest, and just listened to her breathing until he drifted off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

 

When Castiel awoke, it was only because Sophie was starting to fuss. He found his eyes opening to a dark, silent house, frowning as he sat up with a small grunt of pain. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep, had intended to do something worthwhile… and he’d definitely intended to take his medicine, which he hadn’t done, and which was likely why he was aching even worse now than he had been.

 

Sophie was already on the verge of exploding into a tantrum though, so he did his best to ignore the pain for now, carefully moving to the floor so that he could lay her on her mat and change her diaper. “Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay,” he whispered, knowing Dean and maybe even Sam were likely sleeping in the house somewhere. He got the buttons undone on her onesie, hoping to settle her before anyone else got awoken, but alas, he wasn’t fast enough.

 

Sophie started to cry.

 

Cas still hadn’t quite learned how to respond when she started doing this, possibly never would. He attempted to shush her, but it was a moot point considering a minute or two later, a freshly woken Dean was stumbling out of his bedroom, blinking blearily, and asking in a sleepy voice, “You need help?”

 

“No, I can get it,” Cas tried to assure, hoping the pain he was in wasn’t too obvious. He didn’t want to trouble Dean any more than he had to. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

 

Dean knelt down next to him anyway, and while she didn’t stop crying, the wailing did subside some when she realized Dean was there. Castiel figured he might as well concede, leaning back against the couch with his hand over his surgical scar, exhaling softly. Even when Dean finally managed to get her cleaned and buttoned back up, Sophie was still leaving little hiccupping sobs against his shoulder.

 

“Oh, come on, now,” Dean soothed, smiling a bit. “It can’t be all that bad, right? You should feel better now.”

 

“She’ll be up and down the rest of the night,” Cas said. “She’s off schedule.”

 

He attempted to move so he could take Sophie off of Dean’s hands, but he found he was unable due to the pain. He didn’t want to keep bothering Dean, but at this point, he was about ready to just accept that it was going to happen. He reached out and took Dean’s shirt tail, tugging on it and trying not to feel too pathetic as he said, “Dean, I need you to go into my room and get my pain meds. I didn’t take them before I fell asleep. I need them.”

 

Dean frowned. “I wouldn’t have let you sleep if I’d have known that. Sorry.”

 

There was no point in focusing on the blame though, so Dean got to his feet. It ended up taking him two trips since he had Sophie in tow—one for the pill container, and one for a glass of water to help take them with. Sophie seemed content by now, at least, gumming on her tiny fist. Cas thanked Dean softly as he accepted both the pills and the water. “You shouldn’t have let me sleep anyway,” he said, though not in an accusing way. “All I’ve done is sleep. There’s things around here that need to get done, checks I need to put in the mail.”

 

“That’s what tomorrow’s for,” Dean said, smiling. “Relax, man. I already told you. I’ve got anything you need. The easier you take it, the faster you’ll heal up, right?”

 

Dean then moved to sit down next to Cas on the floor, head thumping back against the couch. Cas wasn’t sure why he had decided to stick around instead of going back to bed. Maybe he was waiting for Cas’s pills to kick in. “You’re allowed to be tired, Cas. Your body went through some pretty serious shit. I know it sucks, but letting people help you is better than you hurting yourself all over again.”

 

“I know,” Cas sighed. “It’s much easier said than done though. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to be as self-sufficient as possible that I don’t really know how to delegate. I felt like I had finally gotten control over everything, and then… everything else happened. It’s stupid that it’s so terrifying, but… I only take care of myself in the barest sense. I don’t know how to take care of a baby. I’ve never had to. I keep waiting to wake up and find out it was all still a dream, waiting to call Anna’s phone and be able to hear her voice on the other line…”

 

He stopped himself when he felt a knot forming in his throat. Dean had dealt with enough crying tonight.

 

“I guess I’m just trying to say that I’m grateful for you, Dean. I couldn’t have done this without you. Even though I push back against your help, it’s appreciated. I’m just stubborn, I guess.”

 

“Yeah, well,” Dean said, laughing a little, “we both are. Trust me, I’ve had plenty of people be unafraid to tell me what an ass I am. Sam’s the worst culprit, but he probably got the worst of my shit too. Hell, I was just a kid myself when I was taking care of him. I wanted someone else to come in and help me deal with it all, too. It’s not a bad thing that you feel that way or that you feel guilty for feeling that way… and I guess Sam ain’t totally wrong about me empty-nesting or whatever the fuck that means. I did come on pretty strong about helping you… I guess I just thought there weren’t any downsides here. We’re helping each other through our shit.” He turned to look at Cas, expression soft in the moonlight peeking in through the window. “You’ve shown a lot of strength even just getting up and going. You’ve shown how much you already love her because your first priority is making sure she’s safe. That’s what it’s all about, man. You can’t ask for more than that.”

 

Cas couldn’t speak for a moment or two after that because he couldn’t string together the words that would express how relieved he was to hear that he wasn’t a bad person. In the end, all he could manage was, “Thank you, Dean. You’re right. It’s… it’s hard to pick myself up and go some days, but… that’s why I’m glad I have you.” It wasn’t enough, but it would suffice.

 

He brushed a hand over Sophie’s downy hair, and she made a soft, sleepy sound. “You can bring her back to my room and put her in the bassinet,” Cas said. “I think I’m going to get into bed.”

 

Dean’s smile seemed almost a little sad, almost a little forced, but he nodded just the same. “She’ll be happier if she wakes up in a familiar place.”

 

Cas got to his feet with a wince and shuffled off to the bedroom with Dean following behind. There was a table lamp on when he opened the door (likely turned on by Dean when he’d gone to fetch the medicine), casting a dim, warm glow over the bed and miscellaneous clutter strewn about. Dean had cleaned the room before Cas had come home, but he’d already messed it up quite a bit since then… he’d have felt more guilty about it if he could actually lean over to pick things up. Once he got better he would try to keep it tidier though. Despite Dean’s rough and tumble appearance, Cas had found he could be a bit of a clean freak.

 

He laid down slowly onto his bed and fought not to groan in relief. He wasn’t sure it had ever been quite so comfortable. Sophie didn’t seem quite as content though when Dean went to move her into the bassinet.

 

“She doesn’t like that thing,” Cas sighed. “I know she doesn’t, but the crib is still in pieces. I haven’t had the time to put it together.”

 

“Yeah, I noticed she wasn’t a big fan when I was cleaning up. I’d say she could rest on your chest like before, but it’s probably not a good idea since you’re medicated and all. I’ll just take her back to my room with me for the night.”

 

“She slept on my chest before,” Cas offered, but his vision was already growing hazy, his words more slurred. “I can take her.”

 

“Yeah, I think we’ll be okay,” Dean said, chuckling softly. “Why don’t you rest up, Cas?”

 

Cas would have protested, but his meds were kicking in, and before he could figure out how to reply, he was snoring softly.

 

\--

 

By the end of the week, Castiel was still feeling sore, but he returned to work anyway. He hadn’t expected there to be so much _interest_ from his co-workers when he made his inevitable return, however, but he supposed it all made sense when he heard them talking about the man who had called in for Cas. His ‘roommate’, his ‘friend’, people kept calling him like there were quotations around every word. The girl in the cubicle next to him, Hannah, had even said, “So, you and Dean Winchester, huh?” without ever qualifying what that meant.

 

He tried to go about his business as usual though, and admittedly it did feel good to go back to work if only because he was back on track. It was less worrisome when he knew there’d be money on his paycheck and that Dean didn’t have to work so hard to keep them afloat. He had noticed on the off occasion that he was up with Sophie (or up with his own pain and troubles) when Dean came home that he looked more worn out than usual. He’d taken on a few double shifts, stayed late, gone in early, done whatever he had to so thing evened out. He probably thought Cas hadn’t paid attention, but he had.

 

When he’d finally gotten home from the office, he did his best not to droop in exhaustion. That was a lot easier when he walked in and found Sophie doing her mini push-ups she’d started a couple of days ago. Cas had looked it up online and found it was another sign of her getting close to rolling over on her own. She was just a bit ahead of schedule at a little over three months old, so he couldn’t help but be proud of that.

 

She smiled at him when she saw him too, and every unpleasant moment in his life just seemed to slide off of him for the moment. He couldn’t help but smile back as he carefully picked her up. “Did you have a fun day with Dean?” he asked.

 

“If you don’t count trying to eat the feather duster,” Dean’s voice cut in, and Cas looked up to find him sauntering out of the kitchen, looking less tired than he had in a week. He suspected Dean was probably sleeping easier now too, knowing Cas was working again.

 

“It wouldn’t be the first thing she’s tried to eat,” Cas said, pressing a kiss to her brow. “You’ve been putting her on her stomach more. That’s good. I read about that.”

 

“Ah, yes, well, it ain’t my first rodeo,” Dean said, grinning. Cas looked up to smile back only to realize just how close together they were. For a moment all he could do was gape a bit, eyes locked onto a smattering of freckles just along the side of his neck.

 

It didn’t take long for Dean to notice Cas was staring though, so Cas quickly looked away, praying that the awkwardness that flooded through him was only one-sided. “Sorry, uh… long day. I’m a bit out of my head. Should I order a pizza?”

 

Dean blinked, hand scrubbing over the spot on his neck Cas had been looking at as if he could still feel his gaze there and said, “Uh, yeah, sure that’d… that’d be fine.”

 

Cas nodded and made a quick exit, grateful he’d been able to come up with a change of subject that also doubled as an excuse. He didn’t know why it had thrown him off so badly. Sure, he’d noticed things about Dean a bit differently since he’d overheard his and Sam’s private conversation, but he hadn’t thought about that in at least a couple of days. He’d thought maybe he’d moved past the curiosity of it all, but maybe not.

 

He ordered the pizza, a meat lover’s since Dean didn’t seem to eat a single green thing on the planet other than jalapeños, and headed back to his room to change into something more comfortable than his business suit.

 

He didn’t expect to come into his room and find a fully built crib waiting for him.

 

All he could do was stand there for a moment, shocked and a bit touched.

 

“Yeah, uh…” Dean’s voice caught him by surprise again, and when he looked over his shoulder he found him standing sheepishly a few feet away. “I thought, you know, I had the time, and she didn’t like that bassinet thing, so…”

 

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said sincerely, approaching it and touching the bars gently. His room was rather small, but the crib fit perfectly between Cas’s bed and the wall, as if it was meant to be there. “Have you put her in it yet? Does she like it? This was the crib she had when she was with Anna, so surely she does, but…” He fell quiet again, unable to say more, except, again, “Thank you.”

 

Dean just looked all the more awkward, though his lips had a touch of a smile to them. Cas was pretty sure Dean didn’t know how to be complimented. “Don’t mention it,” Dean said. “It was just a way for me to put my handyman skills to work. Put her in it, see for yourself. She already had her nap in there.”

 

Cas did so, brushing her hair back off of her face before leaning back to watch her. “She’s not fussing at all,” he said, mildly amazed. He felt a bit guilty for not putting it up sooner, and a bit stupid too. They both probably would have slept better. Oh, well. “Maybe she’s finally starting to feel at home here.”

 

“Of course she does,” Dean said confidently, clapping him on the shoulder. “This _is_ her home. I mean, you’re obviously at the top of her favorite people list, and despite all the crap you’ve managed to keep things pretty stable here. You’re doing an awesome job with all this, Cas.”

 

“She wouldn’t be in nearly as good of shape if it weren’t for you. I was fumbling around in the dark until you brought me a flashlight.”

 

“Ehh, you would have found one,” Dean assured.

 

“Maybe,” Cas said as he left Sophie be so he could dig a pair of jeans and a t-shirt out of his dresser. He didn’t really think anything of it at first, stripping out of his clothes in front of Dean. They’d seen each other in the mornings, all mussed hair and sleepy faces and pajamas, so it shouldn’t have been much different. It wasn’t a weird thing—at least, he didn’t feel like it was until he’d gotten his shirt off and felt the air shift with discomfort.

 

Cas quickly tugged the shirt on, heat rising in his cheeks out of embarrassment. At least, he thought it was embarrassment.

 

Dean seemed a bit at a loss for words when Cas finally got up the nerve to turn around, but he did manage to put together a sentence after a moment. “Should we take her out for dinner?”

 

Cas blinked. “But… I ordered a pizza,” he said, brow furrowing a little. Was Dean blushing? Had he really crossed a line here? Why was Dean suggesting…

 

Dean broke into a smile, apparently having some of his tension dissolved by Cas’s response. “I meant take her out of the crib. We wouldn’t want her to fall asleep too early and be up all night.”

 

This time Cas was certain he was feeling embarrassment, and frankly it was a miracle that his entire body didn’t turn red from it. When Dean had said ‘out’ Cas had automatically assumed he meant _out_ … like going out. To a restaurant. Like a family. Or people who are dating.

 

“Right,” he stammered, digging out his wallet to get the money for the pizza so that he wouldn’t have to look Dean in the face. “Uhh… yeah. Like I said. Long day. Sorry, I misunderstood.”

 

“We could go out sometime though,” Dean said. Cas wasn’t sure why the air in the room got thin for him in that moment. “I mean… you know. She hasn’t really gotten to experience much of the outside world, so she might find it fun. It’d be good for her.”

 

“Oh, um—yes,” Cas agreed. Of course Dean was just referring to Sophie. It wasn’t like Dean was suggesting that _they_ go out. He didn’t know what kind of crazy ideas he’d get next. “I should uhh… go fix her bottle for her.”

 

“Sounds good,” Dean said, nodding, and Cas almost felt like Dean was as uncomfortable here as he was.

 

It was expected to have moments like this, right? Absolutely. That was what came with living with someone else.

 

It was _fine_.

 

He just wished he knew where the awkwardness had come from.

 

\--

 

Thankfully, the air had cleared by the time Cas got dinner on the table. Despite the fact that Dean had to go to work soon, he seemed content to feed Sophie first while Cas ate. He would have argued more, but he was too tired. Dean had even asked if he needed to go lay down or something, but Cas assured him he’d survive.

 

He picked a piece of the sausage off of a slice and popped it into his mouth before saying, “Someday, she’ll be able to eat this with us. I mean… well, she’ll probably be able to eat the sausage off of it by the time she’s eight months old, but for now she’s just got to smell it.”

 

He looked at Sophie, not realizing just how soft his expression became as he smiled at her.

 

“It’s hard to think about her being that old,” Dean said. “She’s still so tiny right now… but if she’s anything like Sam she’ll just shoot up overnight. We’re gonna have to beat the boys off with a big stick when she gets old enough. I think I can show her how to throw a good right hook too.”

 

Cas snorted and tried not to dissect why he felt so warm at the idea of Dean being here that long. It almost sounded like they’d become an actual family and not just a couple of guys and a baby. Dean was definitely a ‘family first’ sort of person, so maybe his devotion wasn’t so surprising, but still…

 

“You won’t have to worry about that for a while,” Cas reminded. “She’s only three months old… though it does feel like time’s gone by pretty quickly already. It’s already been over a month since she came to live here with me.”

 

“Time flies,” Dean said, setting Sophie into her seat when she refused to take more of the bottle. From there, she was quite content to fall asleep. “Just hope she doesn’t end up taller than you or she’ll never let you live it down. Trust me.”

 

“I’m still six feet tall, Dean,” Cas said fondly. “Just because you Winchesters are Sasquatches doesn’t mean everyone is.”

 

“ _Sam_ is the Sasquatch. I’m normal sized.”

 

He fell quiet for a few minutes, just watching Sophie sleep while he and Dean ate. “You know,” he said suddenly, “before I ran into you at the store that day, people kept telling me how much she looked like me. I don’t know if maybe they were just making conversation and making assumptions, but they said it even though she’s no actual blood relation to me. I don’t see anything similar about the two of us… To me, she just looks like her mother. Anna was beautiful, so it’s a compliment, I guess… not that she’d care, being a baby and all.”

 

“She’s gonna appreciate that one day, you know,” Dean said, “having someone in her life that remembers her mom. She’s lucky to get to know who she is through you.”

 

Cas glanced at Dean but didn’t say anything. He knew Dean had only known his mother for a few years, and it didn’t sound like their father was the type to talk about her much.

 

“She’s gonna take after you too, though, blood or not. You’re gonna teach her all kinds of stuff.”

 

“You’ll be able to teach her things too, Dean.”

 

“Yeah, I mean, I can teach her how to fight and stuff, and how to make a mean cheeseburger, but you’re gonna be teaching her all the important stuff. How to care about people and how to express herself. Stuff like that.”

 

“Hopefully she’ll be more confident than me.”

 

Dean laughed a little, and damned if his whole face didn’t light up when he did. Cas had never quite noticed before.

 

Not wanting to get too caught up and cause another awkward moment, Cas got to his feet and disappeared into the house for a moment before coming back with a small, black photo album. He flipped through a few photographs before handing it over to Dean. “That’s Anna,” he said, pointing to the girl in the picture with him before sitting back down.

 

He hadn’t expected the powerful ache in his chest at the sight of her in the picture. He’d thought he’d finally moved past the worst part of his grief, but it still seemed to sneak up on him from time to time.

 

“Oh,” Dean said, his hands suddenly gripping the book a bit more lightly, as if he was holding something delicate, valuable, precious. “Wow, she… yeah, she really is beautiful. Sophie looks just like her too.”

 

“Yeah,” Cas said, blinking. A tear snaked out of the corner of his eye that he hadn’t expected, and when he tried to bat it away, another one slipped down the other cheek. Suddenly he was desperately fighting a failing battle to not cry, and he didn’t even realize Dean had noticed a hand on his shoulder. “S-sorry… I wasn’t expecting to react this way.”

 

Dean pointedly didn’t look up from the photos, which Cas couldn’t help but appreciate. Dean seemed to know just how much space to give him.

 

“It’s normal,” Dean assured. “Other people would probably even call it healthy. I used to get a ton of shit for keeping all of my stuff bottled up, and yeah, I probably still do… but I know what it’s like. I ain’t going anywhere, so at least you’ve got someone to help you through it, right? Even if it’s just me.”

 

“There is no ‘just’ to it,” Cas said, finding that Dean’s presence alone was enough to calm the crying jag for the most part. “Thank you, Dean… I just haven’t looked at those photos since before it all happened. I didn’t think it’d hit me so hard because I see her every day in Sophie. I didn’t even think about it.”

 

“Little things’ll sneak up on you,” Dean said, letting his hand slide off of Cas’s shoulder. “It’s good though because you want to remember her. That’s gonna suck sometimes, but in the end, it’s worth it. For you and for her.”

 

Cas wasn’t really hungry after that, but he did stay at the dinner table until Dean was done just to keep him company. It was weird how Dean had been a stranger a month ago and was now such a staple in his life. He wasn’t really sure if he believed in fate or miracles or the like, but if there was such a thing, then Dean definitely qualified.

 

Sophie with her crib, and Cas with his reassurances from Dean, both slept easily that night.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

 

Over the next few weeks, Cas and Dean settled into a routine and things were going…well… _great_. He’d still felt the familiar rush of sadness over Anna at random times, but his stitches had finally come out and his pain had subsided, and he was able to work and tend to Sophie normally. With both of their money going towards the bills, things were easier, and even coming home from work didn’t feel stressful anymore. Sophie had started discovering her hands and feet to the point that she could entertain herself a lot of the time, and she was responding to sounds he and Dean made, imitating them, though it’d likely be a little while still before she started talking.

 

Cas loved her.

 

He’d been so worried about it before, but he was absolutely certain of it now. He thought about her when he was at work and looked forward to coming home to her. He may have even been caught baby talking to her once or twice (or several times), though Dean blessedly hadn’t mentioned it.

 

All in all, Cas was finally starting to agree with Dean that he maybe wasn’t so bad at this after all.

 

Even the rumor mill at the office had calmed down about Cas’s new roommate, though it seemed he was still the talk around the water cooler when he came in and found a little birthday cake waiting at his desk, along with the few co-workers he actually talked to on occasion. He was a bit embarrassed by the world essentially announcing he was thirty-six, but the mini party in his cubicle was a kind gesture that he appreciated.

 

He suspected it was Hannah that contacted Dean somehow and dropped the hint about it being his birthday, but he’d never know for sure since no one would ever tell him.

 

All he knew was that when he got home, he found Sophie in her frilliest outfit and Dean in an actual button-down looking proud of himself. “Hey,” he said, “I uh, didn’t manage to make a cake or anything, but I did get a reservation at a pretty nice restaurant and the food there is awesome, trust me.”

 

Cas could do nothing but raise his eyebrows in surprise. Sophie looked adorable, if displeased, in her dress, and Dean… damn, he cleaned up well.

 

“How did you even…” Cas said before shaking his head and giving up, knowing he wouldn’t get an answer. “I guess if we’re going somewhere nice I ought to change clothes, and I know you’re going to insist, but I still have to say that you really don’t have to go to all this trouble for me.”

 

“Sorry, that’s just the kind of guy I am,” Dean said around a smirk. “Now, from what I can tell, you’ve got two options. You can stand here and I’ll wax poetic about what a great guy you are, or you can get changed and we can actually go get some chow. I’m gonna be honest and say I’m a lot less likable when I’m hungry, so…”

 

“Something you and Sophie have in common then,” Cas said before leaning in to press a kiss to her forehead. “I’ll be right back.”

 

In his bedroom there was a tiny urge to panic since he wasn’t quite sure what he had that was presentable. Most of his clothes qualified as suits at least, but they were mostly office attire. If he was going out to a special dinner for himself, then he at least wanted to dress the part, and his work clothes certainly wouldn’t fit the bill. In the back of his closet, fortunately, he found a sky blue button-down that he’d worn to Thanksgiving a few years ago. It had been a small affair, just he, Anna, and Gabriel, but he’d bought the shirt just for that. It seemed appropriate to wear now too.

 

After checking to make sure it wasn’t moth-eaten (thank God it wasn’t), he slid into it and tucked it into a pair of black trousers (he feared wearing jeans would make him look too much like a cowboy). He didn’t really have a tie that matched quite right, but Dean wasn’t wearing a tie so it would be fine… hopefully.

 

He shaved and combed his hair, put on nice belt and a pair of shoes. By the time he was ready, he was admittedly kind of excited. He hadn’t been _out_ in a long time.

 

It almost felt like he was getting ready for a date.

 

Of course, it _wasn_ _’_ _t_ a date, but…

 

Well…

 

_Was_ it?

 

He and Dean had never discussed it (Dean clearly hadn’t even been open to talking about that sort of thing with his own brother, so Cas doubted the conversation was welcome). Hell, Dean was by definition a bit of a ladies’ man, so Cas had sincerely doubted there was even a passing interest for men, but… well, the way he’d been so abrupt with Sam about it… and they had sort have shared a _moment_ , hadn’t they? Maybe that had all been in Cas’s head though.

 

So, it probably _wasn_ _’_ _t_ a date. Cas sincerely doubted he’d be on a date and not know it. Still, there was potential for it to become a date. Maybe there was even an intention on it. Oh, God… Cas hadn’t been on a date in… ever. Well, not _ever_ , but it surely had been so long ago that he couldn’t really remember it. He’d never been very good at asking people out, and his small talk could frankly be dismal, so dates weren’t something he was too keen on participating in.

 

Of course, it _wasn_ _’_ _t_ a date, so he wasn’t sure why he was getting so flustered over it.

 

…unless it _was_ a date.

 

_It isn_ _’_ _t_ , he told himself firmly as he exited the bedroom. _It isn_ _’_ _t a date. It isn_ _’_ _t **a date.**_

****

Sophie let out an excited sound at the sight of him, so Cas took her into his arms as he met Dean at the doorway. Dean just seemed to stare at him in shock for several seconds before saying, “You look good, Cas.”

 

“Thank you,” he said. It was just a compliment, but Cas still felt bashful. Maybe it was because it was such a date thing to say considering it wasn’t a date, or maybe equally likely it was because Cas never had learned how to take a compliment. “The two of you had dressed so nicely, I figured I ought to do the same.”

 

“Well, don’t worry,” Dean said as he opened the door to allow them out. “It’s not so fancy you’ll have to figure out the dessert spoon from the other spoon. I just thought you deserved a night out, you know? You don’t have to worry about the usual stuff.”

 

Well, he certainly wasn’t worrying about the usual stuff, that was for sure. That didn’t mean he wasn’t worrying though. Obviously, as he kept telling himself, this wasn’t anything romantic. Dean was just doing it as a friendly gesture… but it led to some other questions. It wasn’t a date, but did Cas _want_ it to be? Was he interested in Dean like that? He hadn’t really given himself the opportunity to think about it until now… He didn’t exactly have a life that catered to the possibility of a relationship, especially now that he had Sophie to take care of, but…

 

Well, Dean was handsome. And a nice person too. _And_ he was good with Sophie. He was smart, a family man, liked to cook, good with his hands, had a cool car… Dean was a dream come true for a lot of people, surely. It was sort of hard to believe Dean was single when looking at it that way.

 

He was too damned old to be feeling this conflicted and nervous.

 

Cas put Sophie into her car seat (which seemed to have found a permanent place in the backseat of Dean’s car) and then climbed into the passenger seat. He was worried his palms were starting to sweat. Dean wouldn’t just surprise him with a date without asking him, Dean wouldn’t want to go out with a guy like Cas, Dean was likely straight…

 

…but still…

 

Apparently he was going to be having this argument with himself the whole damned night.

 

\--

 

The car ride had given Cas time to talk himself out of his craziness, but when they arrived at the restaurant, it came back tenfold. It was obvious from the moment they walked in the door that the staff thought they were a couple. Sure, they probably assumed so because they were two men with a baby, but that wasn’t the part that made Cas’s heart flutter a little more than he’d thought possible. It was the fact that Dean wasn’t _correcting_ them on it, instead just awkwardly nodding and leading the way to their table.

 

Cas was realizing very quickly that he had feelings for Dean, had in fact had them for some time now. It was probably a bit cliché to become attracted to the babysitter, but it had all been going so well that it just felt right. All of his misery seemed to melt away when Dean was around, and he and Sophie had filled up all the empty corners in Cas’s life, especially the particularly vacant one left when Anna had died. Dean, the family man, the good cook, the good with his hands and cool car having guy… _that_ Dean was _interested_. Maybe at the end of the night Cas would show a little bravery and make a move, maybe they’d start seriously dating, and maybe they’d become an actual _family_ , and…

 

Oh.

 

When the waitress approached their table, a pretty young woman named Lisa, Dean lit up like a Christmas tree.

 

“She’s adorable,” Lisa said, referring to Sophie, smiling. “She might be the prettiest girl in this place.”

 

“I know who comes in a close second, fortunately,” Dean said, cheeky.

 

Cas felt like all the wind had come out of his sails. He should have known better than to get his hopes up. Dean was flirting with the waitress because he was straight, and even if he wasn’t, he’d never be interested in a loser like Cas. Dean had all of these talents and skills, and Cas had nothing to offer. He was nothing more than some nameless cubicle dweller with a baby to take care of.

 

For a moment he felt like he could cry, as ridiculous as it was. He and Dean had never _been_ anything, so there wasn’t anything to get upset over losing. Dean had never set out to make Cas a permanent staple in his life. The two of them shared a home and shared the duty of caring for Sophie for convenience’s sake. They both loved her, of course, but Dean didn’t love him.

 

He never would.

 

Softly, he ordered his meal and plastered on his best smile, doing his best to fake it. He didn’t want Dean to feel like he’d messed up just because Cas had let his stupid feelings get in the way. Dean had worked hard to set this up, a _friend_ taking another friend out for his birthday. Even if that was all it was, Cas had to enjoy it for Dean’s sake.

 

Dean didn’t seem to notice the shift in Cas’s mood, but he wasn’t so lucky when it came to Sophie. She started to become fussy right after Lisa left the table to put in their orders, and she proceeded to get slowly worse as the night wore on.

 

The food was good, surely, but Cas barely tasted it. He couldn’t stop looking at Dean, feeling further and further from his body every time he smiled at Lisa when she’d come check on them. They seemed to have a banter going, but Cas couldn’t hear it over the rush in his ears. Had Dean always been quite _so_ beautiful? Was Cas only interested _because_ Dean was looking at someone else? Was he really so awful?

 

“So,” Lisa’s voice said, suddenly cutting through all of the noise in Cas’s head, “I think I can sweet talk my boss into giving you guys a free dessert considering the birthday boy here. Interested?”

 

Dean seemed tempted to make a remark about how she was the only sweet thing he wanted (Cas could even hear it in his voice), but he thankfully refrained. Instead he looked at Cas, which might have been worse than the comment he might or might not have made. Cas had done his best to appear pleasant throughout dinner, but it was starting to strain on him now, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold up the façade.

 

Either Dean didn’t notice, or he didn’t comment on it. Instead, he said, “Do you want dessert? It is your birthday, after all.”

 

“Oh, uh,” Cas said, struggling to find his vocabulary in the blur of all the things he actually wanted to say. “Maybe… just get it to go? Sophie’s getting fussy.”

 

As if on cue, Sophie started to wail. Perhaps the awkwardness radiating off of Cas had reached its peak, and she just couldn’t take it anymore (he could relate).

 

Cas immediately took her, assuring Dean that he’d just take her outside for a couple of minutes, see if the air would calm her down. Dean didn’t fight him on it.

 

He probably wanted to be alone with Lisa anyway.

 

He did manage to get Sophie to stop crying by the time Dean sauntered out with a to-go bag of dessert. He looked so proud of himself that Cas didn’t even have to ask if he’d gotten the waitress’s number.

 

“Is she okay?” Dean asked as he approached.

 

“Yeah, she’s probably just tired,” Cas said. He was pretty exhausted himself.

 

…and because the universe apparently didn’t hate him enough, Sophie chose that moment to vomit on his only nice shirt.

 

Dean winced, and Cas was sure his own expression was miserable. Hopefully Dean just figured it was because it was gross.

 

“Uh, probably not a good idea to let the stain sit, so uh… let’s go home,” Dean said.

 

As soon as Sophie was out of Cas’s arms and in her car seat, she started squalling. Try as he might, Cas couldn’t get her to calm down, and if Dean came near her, it got worse. In the end, they were forced to just drive home to the sounds of her screaming.

 

He remembered now why he never told anyone about his birthday.

 

\--

 

By the time they got home, Sophie had nearly screamed herself hoarse. As much as the sound made Cas want to cringe at any touch, he was admittedly grateful to have her to focus on so that he wouldn’t have to relive the dinner or look at Dean directly. He didn’t want Dean to think the celebration was a bust, especially after he’d spent so much money, and especially considering it was Castiel’s dumb feelings that had caused all the problems.

 

It was still somewhat relieving all the same when she finally did calm down, if only because she didn’t have the strength to continue. Castiel set her into her crib, not sure if he wanted to go back out to the living room where Dean was waiting it out on the couch. As he sat down on the bed, the room felt too quiet. He sighed to fill up the silence, scrubbing his hands over his face. It was only then that he remembered the stain on his shirt, but rather than take it to the laundry room in the hopes of rescuing it, he removed it and threw it in the clothes pile with everything else. What did it matter? He wasn’t going to need a nice shirt again anytime soon.

 

After changing into his pajamas and checking to make sure Sophie was still out, he made his slow trek back into the front of the house. Part of him had wanted to stay and just go to sleep, but he had a building headache that wouldn’t be remedied without pills, and those were in the kitchen.

 

Dean was sitting on the couch where he’d left him. Cas really didn’t know what to say to him.

 

What he settled on was, “I’m sorry.”

 

Dean blinked, brow furrowing as if trying to figure out what the apology was in reference to.

 

“I enjoyed the dinner,” Cas clarified. “It was a great gift. I don’t know why she’s so upset, but I’m sure she’ll be all right by morning. You can go to bed now. I don’t think she’ll wake up again for at least a few hours.”

 

Dean hesitated for a moment before getting up. Cas wondered if Dean could see right through him, could read the disappointment creeping into his shoulders. The air between them was stilted, and Cas couldn’t quite shake it off. Was it going to be like this from now on? They’d been doing so well…

 

“You should go to bed too then,” Dean said, rather than acknowledge any of it. Hell, maybe he didn’t even notice. “You’re the one who’s gotta get up in the morning.”

 

Cas nodded, both dreading and feeling grateful for the upcoming work day. “Thank you, Dean,” he said. “For everything. You’re a really good friend. I don’t think I could ask for a better one.”

 

Dean was worried about him though, Cas could see it in his eyes. Maybe it was his feelings that made him so good at reading Dean’s emotions. He had no idea.

 

“I’m fine,” he said before Dean could ask. “Birthdays are always a bit odd for me, and not having Anna around this time was… well. Anyway, it’s nothing you did. I’m just getting to be an old man, now, aren’t I?”

 

“I don’t see any gray hairs yet,” Dean laughed, hand sliding through Cas’s hair. The uncomfortable air lightened a bit, but Cas would have still given anything for Dean to keep touching him. “Come on, we should both get to sleep while the getting is good.”

 

“I can’t,” Cas sighed. “I know as soon as I lay down my brother Gabriel will call me. He always waits until it’s late to wish me a happy birthday. I don’t know if it’s because he forgets until the last minute, or if his schedule made it so he couldn’t call until then, or if he just likes bothering me… but it’s probably the last one.”

 

“You have a brother? So, is he another foster sibling or…?”

 

“Yeah,” Cas said. “We’re not related by blood, but he, Anna, and I were thick as thieves when we were young. He was the oldest, so he was kind of our leader, and he was always getting us into trouble. He liked to do pranks and generally be a nuisance, and I don’t think it’s something he ever really grew out of. We all stayed close… well, he and Anna stayed closer than I did, but I’ve never been very good at keeping in touch.”

 

He frowned. “I suppose it’s possible he won’t call me at all, not now that Anna’s gone. Maybe he only remembered because of her. She was the main subject of our conversations the few times he did call… He wasn’t the same after she died, showed up at the funeral like a shell of his former self. Maybe he’ll be better to just cut ties, avoid the sadness.”

 

That certainly didn’t remove the worried crease in Dean’s brow. If anything, it deepened it. “Hey, don’t count him out just yet, all right? You’re still family. I was really pissed at Sam when he wanted to bail and go to college, and obviously he was pretty pissed at me too… but we still came through for each other, and we always will. He’s my brother, and I’m never gonna just leave him. He’s never gonna just leave me either.”

 

“Your relationship with Sam is quite a bit different than mine with Gabriel.”

 

“Not from where I’m standing.”

 

Cas managed a small smile, albeit a solemn one. “I won’t give up on him yet. Thank you… I think I needed to hear that. I’ll go to bed anyway though… if he calls, I can always call him back in the morning.”

 

He moved out of Dean’s space before he could move further into it, snagging the pills out of the cabinet and swallowing two before heading off down the hall. Quietly, he offered Dean a goodnight and closed himself up in his room.

 

As he flopped down onto his bed, he stared up at the ceiling and he thought, _what the hell am I supposed to do now?_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Gabriel didn’t call.

 

He _did_ , however, show up at the front door at 6:30 A.M..

 

Castiel awoke to the sound of the doorbell ringing repeatedly. Shuffling out of bed, he first checked on Sophie (still sleeping peacefully through it all) before tugging on his robe and going to answer.

 

“Hey, little brother,” Gabriel said, shoving a large wrapped box into Cas’s hands. “Happy birthday!”

 

Castiel blinked, a little stunned, especially with his brain not completely online yet. “My birthday was yesterday… It’s six-thirty in the morning.”

 

Gabriel was already looking over Cas’s shoulder though, and when Cas heard movement from behind him, he knew why. Of course the ringing bell had woken Dean up too.

 

“Sorry to interrupt your little uh… _sleepover_ ,” Gabriel said, eyebrows nearly reaching his hairline in surprise.

 

Castiel felt his face grow hot, knowing exactly what Gabriel was implying. “Gabriel, this is Dean. My roommate.”

 

“Uh-huh, yeah, your uh… your _roommate_. Okay. Are you going to let me in?”

 

Though a small part of him was tempted not to, Cas sighed and stepped aside. “Dean, this is Gabriel. He is entirely unexpected, though I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.”

 

“Of course you should be surprised,” Gabriel said, grinning. “That’s the whole point. Happy birthday!”

 

“My birthday was yesterday,” Cas said again.

 

“Yeah, well, my flight got delayed. Close enough.”

 

Dean looked a bit tense, probably since Gabriel had implied that he was more than Cas’s roommate. Cas supposed that showed him what their future prospects as a couple were.

 

He was grateful though that Gabriel didn’t linger on Dean, instead saying, “Well, open your gift!”

 

Cas fought not to roll his eyes. “What’d you get me this time?” he asked as he sat down on the couch, carefully tugging at the ribbon.

 

“Don’t worry, it’s not a vibrator,” Gabriel chuckled, “not like last time.”

 

“You’re hilarious,” Castiel said flatly. It took a great effort to keep from looking at Dean for his reaction. He could only suspect he was only more uncomfortable.

 

“I thought you’d like something to put over your fireplace,” Gabriel said.

 

“I don’t have a fireplace.”

 

“Your television then.”

 

Anything else Cas would have said died on his lips when he pulled back the paper and found a framed photograph of the three of them—Gabriel, Castiel, and Anna. They were kids in the picture, Anna’s obvious rebellion streak in full force with purple streaks in her hair and a ring in her nose, Gabriel in a t-shirt for the school’s drama club, and Castiel as the smallest with his hair sticking up and expression caught off guard by the picture.

 

When he could speak again, all he could say was, “How long have you had this?”

 

“I have tons of pictures from back then,” Gabriel said easily. “I got this one cleaned up and blown up though. Thought you could use a little something to remember us by. I know I needed it.” His voice had softened a bit by the end of the statement.

 

Castiel blinked a few times to avoid the welling up of tears, and he mumbled, “Thank you.” His voice only wobbled a little.

 

“I also have a vibrator in my suitcase, just in case you didn’t like it.”

 

Gabriel’s humor could be misplaced, but at the moment it cut through the solemnness in the air. Cas snorted, managing a smile, despite it all.

 

“So, uh… where’s the little one?” Gabriel asked. “I… know what all you’ve done for her. I’m sorry I haven’t called. I just wasn’t really sure what to say.”

 

“She’s a great kid.”

 

That was when both Gabriel and Cas turned to look at Dean.

 

“She is,” Dean continued, just the slightest tint of pink on his cheeks, “and I mean, I know I’m not an authority on it or anything, but she looks just like her mom.”

 

“Does she?” Gabriel asked. Cas couldn’t tell if he was saddened or happy from that information.

 

“I’ll go get her,” Cas said, getting up. “You should meet her properly.”

 

Gabriel reached out and gave Cas’s shoulder a small squeeze. “You’re a better man than I’ll ever be, you know? Taking all of this on by yourself. If Anna were here, she’d be really proud of you. I don’t think she’d trust anyone else with her kid except for you.”

 

Cas swallowed around the knot in his throat and managed a smile. “She certainly wouldn’t trust her with you.”

 

“Absolutely not,” Gabriel laughed.

 

Cas carefully leaned the picture against the wall to hang up later and made his way back to the bedroom. Sophie was awake, but she’d kept herself entertained by watching her hands. She squealed in delight when she saw Cas though, little legs kicking excitedly. It was enough to lighten the sadness still surrounding him almost completely.

 

“Good morning, sunshine,” he said, lifting her into his arms. “Do you want to make a new friend?”

 

She slobbered a kiss onto his cheek, and he laid her on the bed, changing her diaper before bringing her out. “Sophie,” he said as he carefully handed her over to Gabriel, “this is your uncle.”

 

“Well, hello there,” Gabriel said, surprising both Cas and Dean with how effortlessly he managed to hold her and how quickly she seemed to warm to him, tiny hands lightly smacking his cheek. “Yeah, your mom hit me too sometimes.”

 

“It looks like you passed the test,” Dean said.

 

“Well, Anna always liked him too. For some reason,” Cas said.

 

Gabriel scoffed. “Loads of people like me! I’m awesome!”

 

“That is debatable.”

 

“Don’t make me pull the virgin card, Cas, ‘cause I will.”

 

All the color drained from Cas’s face. He didn’t dare look at Dean for fear of how much of a loser he surely appeared to be now.

 

“Don’t think too hard about it, Dean-o, or you might blow a fuse,” Gabriel said.

 

Castiel’s face went from pale to red-faced almost immediately. “My sex life is none of your business, Gabriel,” he growled.

 

“It _would_ be, yes, if you actually had a sex life,” Gabriel shrugged. “Come on, don’t be so embarrassed. You’re just waiting for the right person, right?”

 

“I know when you’re mocking me.”

 

Gabriel seemed to finally realize that he was poking the bear. Letting Sophie gum on his finger, he offered, “Just a little playful teasing. A lot of people would find it romantic that you waited.”

 

“People aren’t lining up down the block for a single father who toils away his days in an office, Gabriel. Speaking of which, I need to go to work, so let’s stop talking about it. Now.”

 

Gabriel sighed as Cas made his exit. “You really gotta work on that self-esteem.”

 

Castiel threw himself into a shower, hoping to wash all of the humiliation off of himself. He was starting to wish Gabriel hadn't come, though he appreciated the gift. He was dealing with enough as it was, and now he had to go and tell Dean all of these increasingly embarrassing things.

 

Gabriel didn’t seem to realize that now Castiel was in his thirties, all this wasn't quite as funny as it was when he was an awkward teenager. Now it was just... _sad_. Of course, Gabriel also knew that Cas had been attracted to boys, had been the first one to find his dirty magazines and to pierce his ear during a particularly stupid decision. He'd also tried to set him up with numerous friends of his, but Castiel had never been interested in that. He just felt too awkward. He'd only been on a single date with one of them, and all they did was hold hands.

 

He knew he wasn't terrible looking, but looks could only carry a conversation so far. He'd always been socially awkward, always apologizing for things. He didn't know how to make a move on someone or even talk about his feelings. Hell, he was bad at understanding his feelings on his own. He just hadn't really thought he needed a relationship for a long time, figuring it would just complicate things, but now that he knew he had feelings for someone (even if it was for someone he couldn't have), he was suddenly very aware of his lack of a relationship and his want for... someone.

 

He dried off, brushed his teeth, dressed, and hoped Gabriel hadn't told Dean too much.

 

When he returned to the living room, still rubbing a towel through his damp hair, he found Gabriel had taken a seat and was entertaining Sophie with one of her toys. Dean was just coming out of the kitchen with coffee, and he automatically handed a cup to Cas.

 

“Come on, man, can’t you take a day off to spend with your dear brother? I did come all this way,” Gabriel said, accepting the other cup of coffee as Dean took Sophie for him. The microwave beeped in the kitchen, signaling that her bottle had been warmed up.

 

“I can’t just not go in, Gabriel. I don’t have the money to skip out on work whenever I want.”

 

Gabriel looked to Dean as he came out of the kitchen feeding Sophie the new bottle, but Dean just shook his head. “Sorry, man, but I’m gonna have to go with Cas on this one. Stuff was tight here for a bit while he recovered, so you might as well accept that the ship has sailed.”

 

Gabriel’s brow furrowed. “Recovered from what?”

 

“Um, from when he was in the hospital?”

 

When Gabriel’s eyebrows shot up, it was clear he hadn’t been informed.

 

“It was just my appendix,” Castiel mumbled.

 

“Every time you go under the knife, it’s a big deal! I can’t believe you didn’t call me! You could’a died and I wouldn’t have even known!”

 

“Well, I didn’t die. I’m fine, thanks.”

 

Gabriel frowned. “Well, you know, if you’d _called_ , I could have wired you some money to help you out. Why you gotta be so stubborn all the time? It’s all right to ask for help now and then.”

 

“I did have help,” Cas said, sipping at the rim of his coffee cup. “I had Dean.”

 

Gabriel looked at Dean and at Sophie then back towards Castiel. "Well... thank God for that. I imagine you probably tried to pretend you were fine too, didn't you? That's what you always did when we were kids. You never wanted anyone to worry about you."

 

Castiel felt a muscle jump in his jaw. "Didn't think you were here to just accuse me of things, Gabriel. I'm fine, all right? Can we try to have at least one conversation that's not awkward?"

 

Sophie was already starting to pick up on the shift in moods in the room, fussing so that Dean had to chase after her mouth to try to get her to take the bottle again. That, along with everything else, convinced him that he was going to have to say something.

 

"Look, Gabe, I get that you're pissed off and all, but Cas is a heck of a lot more durable than you think. He really does know how to take care of himself and he's even better with Sophie than I am sometimes. He doesn't need someone to look out for him full-time, but when he needs me I'm there."

 

There was a pause then, "Did you just call me 'Gabe'?"

 

"Seriously?" Dean sighed. "That's all you got out of that?"

 

"Arguing with him is about as effective as arguing with a brick wall, Dean," Castiel said. "He thinks he has to take care of everyone and good luck telling him otherwise."

 

"Well, I'm allowed," Gabriel said, and his voice actually sounded hurt. Castiel understood why after what he said next.

 

"You're all I've got left now."

 

Castiel instantly felt guilty for his bitterness. He had to admit that, if Gabriel had been ill, Cas probably would have been a mess over it too, considering how Anna had gone out so unexpectedly. There was no getting Anna back now. That was a scary thing.

 

He looked down, brow creasing. "I'm sorry... that I didn't call."

 

"It's all right, man... Just. Future reference. You know?"

 

Castiel nodded. "Hopefully I won't be going back to the hospital again for a while."

 

Just like that, the awkwardness and annoyance vanished. Sophie went back to her bottle, and Castiel went about making breakfast. Eggs and toast.

 

Gabriel seemed a bit surprised by the domesticity of it all. Maybe he hadn’t expected Dean to fit into Cas’s tiny family so perfectly already.

 

“Is it always like this?” he asked as he sat down.

 

“Not always,” Dean said lightly. “Sometimes I cook breakfast. Then there’s bacon.”

 

Gabriel snorted.

 

“We don’t all like spontaneity, Gabriel,” Cas said, nibbling on a piece of toast. “A routine is nice.”

 

“A routine is safe,” Gabriel laughed, “and yeah, I get it can be nice, especially considering the kid and all, but you gotta mix it up a little sometimes.”

 

“Yeah,” Cas shrugged, “that’s why Dean makes bacon.”

 

"You're hilarious, really... but you know, you gotta live a little, not just be alive. I'm assuming that hot car outside is Dean's. See, he knows how to live a little."

 

"I can't afford to 'live a little'," Castiel said flatly.

 

“Didn’t you even do anything fun for your birthday?”

 

“Dean took me out to dinner,” Cas said, and before Gabriel’s eyebrows could reach his hairline, added, “as a friend. I have friends, Gabriel, and I’m not sleeping with any of them.”

 

“I know, I know,” Gabriel sighed, “but it would be nice if you had someone. I know you don’t need anyone to take care of you or anything, but that doesn’t mean you should be by yourself. Maybe you should try online dating. That’s where I met Kali.”

 

“You are constantly in an on-again-off-again relationship with her. No thank you. Besides, I’m not really interested in seeing anyone.”

 

_…_ _or at least not interested in seeing anyone else_.

 

\--

 

Cas was admittedly a little terrified to leave Dean and Gabriel alone together. Sophie couldn’t understand the kinds of things Gabriel might imply, but Dean certainly could, and Cas didn’t want to make their relationship any more awkward than it had become. All he could do was hope for the best as he made his way home from work.

 

Thankfully, it seemed he didn’t have too much to worry about. Although Dean and Gabriel appeared to bicker on nearly the same level Dean did with Sam, they had apparently gotten along well enough to get dinner made without issue. Gabriel had also taken some time to buy Sophie a bunch of outfits she didn’t really need and assured Cas that there would be more in the future.

 

“She’s gonna grow out of everything really fast, you’ll see,” Gabriel said, “and since you won’t take my money when I offer it to you, the least I can do is buy her some stuff.”

 

Cas wouldn’t say it, but he was grateful for that. Still, it was hard to pay full attention when he realized Dean had been pretty regularly sending off text messages on his phone. He wondered if it was the waitress from the restaurant. Dean and Sam generally communicated in person or via phone call, after all… and Cas wasn’t sure who else Dean was even close to in town.

 

Gabriel only made the nerves over it worse by getting the same idea. “You got yourself a lady friend, Dean-o?”

 

“Uhh… maybe,” Dean said, corners of his mouth twitching as if he couldn’t decide whether or not to smile. “Just kinda talking right now, you know…”

 

“The waitress?” Cas asked before his mind caught up with his mouth. He was horrified, but he couldn’t let it show on his face. His heart clenched when Dean met his gaze.

 

“Uh, yeah. She uh, she seemed pretty nice, and Sam keeps saying I need to get out and do stuff more, so... but yeah, she wants to meet up for coffee some time.”

 

“That’s… that’s great, Dean,” Cas said, and he really thought he deserved an award for the enthusiasm he was able to fake, even if he had to look away from Dean as he said it. “She did seem nice. Good for you. I hope it goes well.”

 

“Thanks,” Dean said, and when he smiled, Cas forced one himself. “She’s even more awesome than I expected. She’s got a son, and he sounds like a cool kid, and we like the same kinds of music.”

 

The knife twisted just a little deeper, but Cas shoved on. Dean didn’t deserve Cas’s problems. “You can tell her I said hello when you see her… and when are you seeing her? Just so I know, for Sophie’s sake. I know you wouldn’t want to take Sophie on a date with you, after all.”

 

“I was thinking Saturday,” Dean said, voice slightly hesitant. “I haven’t sent her anything about it yet though, so if that’s not a good day…”

 

“Nonsense!” Gabriel interrupted before Cas could come up with a good excuse to keep Dean home and his for just a little longer. “I’ll make sure Cas and Sophie have a great time that day.”

 

“How long are you intending to stay here?” Cas asked, squinting at him suspiciously. It wasn’t uncommon for Gabriel to make sure he wore out his welcome before he left though, so he supposed he really shouldn’t be surprised.

 

Rather than answer, Gabriel turned back to Dean. “Maybe your lady friend has someone to introduce to Cas.”

 

Cas fought the urge to kick him under the table. “I told you, I’m not looking for anything like that right now. My life has been crazy enough without adding another complication to it. Besides, Dean just met this girl. He doesn’t want to spend his first date talking about me.”

 

“Well, I’ll probably talk about Sophie,” Dean said, leaning his cheek onto his fist, “so you’ll probably come up.”

 

“Yeah, probably best to get the ‘I have a roomie’ talk out of the way early,” Gabriel said.

 

Oh, God, what if Dean brought her back to the house? Castiel could only imagine his own horror of listening to that. It made him want to run screaming from the house and never come back, but obviously he couldn't do that.

 

"I'm just saying, I don't need to be set up on any dates," Castiel said. "Besides, I'm not very good at talking to strangers... and it's like I said before, people aren't exactly going to line up to date a guy like me, especially with a baby."

 

"You shouldn't sell yourself so short, Cas," Gabriel said, and it sounded genuine.

 

"I'm not selling myself short. I'm stating facts."

 

"Yeah, but I mean... come on. You're a good looking guy. You're nice. You've got a good head on your shoulders, and you do a lot for others. You definitely don't deserve to grow old and die a virgin, you know?"

 

"Can we just go one day without you bringing up my virginity?"

 

Gabriel laughed, sitting back in his chair. "I told you it's nothing to be ashamed of, but you should still get to experience it, don't you think? You're getting up there into Steve Carell territory."

 

"I don't understand that reference."

 

"Don't worry about it, Cas," Dean said. "It's not that important.".

 

Dean braced his elbows on the table, leaning towards him. "Look, Cas, you don't have force yourself into anything. You should only do what you're comfortable with. But your brother's right. You've got a lot more to offer people than you think. I mean, yeah, you've got a kid, but a lot more people are like that then you think. Like I said, Lisa has a kid. Loads of people would find it a plus to see you’re a good dad too. To be honest, you’re a better sort than half the guys out there."

 

He nudged Cas's foot with his under the table, grinning, "and better looking too, trust me."

 

"Thanks, Dean," Castiel said, looking at the table rather than in his eyes because why did he have to say things like that and then go off with someone else? Why couldn't he take his hand and say that he was good enough for him, not just good enough for someone else?

 

He could tell they had noticed his energy had shifted slightly, but he was grateful no one said anything about it. They probably just assumed he didn't believe them (which he didn't, but that wasn't why he was so disappointed).

 

He just hoped he’d be able to get over it soon.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

When Saturday arrived, Castiel decided not to get out of bed. He wanted to stay there as long as possible so perhaps Dean would be gone by the time he got up and he wouldn't have to see him look handsome on his way to meet Lisa. Sophie wasn't really content to let him sleep in though, and neither was Gabriel.

 

That was how he ended up on the couch with his coffee, trying and failing not to pay too much attention to Dean when he came out dressed as nicely as he had for their dinner. “What do you think, small fry?” he asked Sophie who was doing her mini push-ups on her play mat. She let out a squeak and flopped back down, so Dean lifted her into his arms, laughing. “I’ll take that as a ‘you look great, Dean’.”

 

“Don’t feel like you have to rush back here,” Cas said, doing his best to be supportive. “Have a good time. Just try to get home before it gets too late or Sophie might not sleep as well as she usually does.”

 

 _Please don_ _’_ _t go_.

 

He could only hope that maybe the date would go disastrously and Dean would come back early, but he wasn’t counting on it. He took another sip of his coffee and pointedly disregarded the way Gabriel was staring at him.

 

“Thanks,” Dean said, laughing a little. Cas could tell he was nervous. It was endearing, honestly, and he’d bet money Lisa would find it so too. “I’ll be on my best behavior, promise.” He kissed Sophie’s cheek before handing her over to Cas. “Look after your dad for me, all right, squirt?”

 

Sophie made a happy sound that only caused Dean’s expression to warm all the more, and he kissed the top of her head before he headed out the door. “Catch you guys later!”

 

Cas was strongly considering going back to bed when Gabriel piped up, “Wow, you’ve got it bad.”

 

Castiel looked over at him, trying to hide his alarm over the statement with another sip of coffee. "I don't know what you're talking about."

 

"Yes you do."

 

"I assure you, I do not."

 

One of Gabriel's eyebrows shot up. "So, you're telling me that you watch everyone walk out of a room with that expression?"

 

"This is just my face," Castiel mumbled, tucking back into himself with a slight adjustment so that Sophie was comfortable in the crook of his arm.

 

Gabriel was obviously skeptical, but he said no more.

 

Instead, he spent the day taking Castiel and Sophie out around town. They saw a movie (some kid's movie with a lot of songs and even though Sophie didn't understand it, she enjoyed the sounds), then out to lunch. Though he didn’t bring up wistful look again, Cas could tell he wanted to by the hesitance during silent moments, like there was an elephant in the room.

 

After lunch, they went to the mall, and Gabriel bought Sophie even more new clothes and toys that Castiel insisted she didn't need, and Gabriel ignored him through every protest.

 

Cas was admittedly feeling a bit better by the time they got back to the house in Gabe's rental car, right up until he realized Dean still wasn't back yet.

 

He wasn't _back yet_... and he knew what that meant.

 

Dean was having an incredible time with Lisa.

 

"Come on, Cas... Talk to me. You look like you want to dig a hole and bury yourself in it," Gabriel said softly.

 

"I'm fine," Castiel said, getting Sophie out of her car seat and moving swiftly towards the house. "I don't know what you're talking about, Gabriel."

 

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re a horrible liar.”

 

“Gabriel,” Cas warned.

 

“Look, if you don’t wanna talk about it, you don’t wanna talk about it, but don’t play me for a chump here. I know what I saw. Maybe Dean’s blind as a bat, but I’m not. I know you better than he does.”

 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Cas said firmly, and that was that. At least for the moment.

 

\--

 

A couple of hours later, Dean finally arrived home, practically floating into the room. Cas wanted a strong drink at the sight of him, but there wasn’t any alcohol in the house.

 

“Hey, sorry,” Dean said softly. “I didn’t mean to be out so long. Is Sophie still awake?”

 

Gabriel thankfully cut in before Cas had to force on another smile. He was honestly too tired to do so at this point. “She conked out about a half hour ago. Seems not every lady waits up for you. She had such a busy day that she just couldn’t stay awake any longer.”

 

“Did you have a good time?” Cas asked. He wasn’t sure why he tortured himself like this.

 

Dean’s whole face lit up. “Well… yeah, actually. I wasn’t sure how it was gonna go since it’s been so long since I’ve been on a date, but Lisa’s real easy to talk to. We got a little caught up, I guess, but I’ll be better about it and won't leave you waiting again.”

 

Cas wasn’t sure he could believe that. God, it had only been one date but Dean looked smitten. Was Dean the type to fall in love fast? Oh, God, what if they got _married_?

 

"Um, I'm uh... I'm gonna go to bed," he said softly as he got to his feet. "Glad to hear you had a good time, Dean, and that you're home safe. Good night."

 

He didn't run back to his room, but he still managed a quick exit.

 

As he curled up in his bed, tugging the blankets over his head, he sort of felt like he was dying inside. He really had to kick this if he expected to go on...

 

If only he had been able to continue his obliviousness of his feelings.

 

Ignorance really was bliss.

 

\--

 

The next month and a half was bad, but... well, not a disaster, all things considered. For all Cas's heart tortured him by watching Dean get ready for dates with Lisa, talk on the phone with Lisa, invite Lisa over to dinner with them (that one had been particularly miserable), he was able to find joy in Sophie.

 

He had been afraid he'd miss out on things because he was working so much, but Sophie rolled over for the first time on a weekend, and he got to witness it. She was also responding to her own name now, turning to look when someone said it. He would gather her in his lap and read to her every night and babble conversations with her (even though she couldn't yet talk), and it was kind of nice to get his feelings off his chest when Dean wasn't around. He had also started slowly but surely moving her towards solid foods.

 

For all of the darkness in Castiel's life, Sophie was the light, and it made things bearable at least.

 

He did _miss_ Dean though.

 

Feelings involved or not, Dean had clearly been around less than he had been, and as he and Lisa grew more serious, the time Cas and Sophie were alone increased. Suddenly at the dinner table (when Dean was actually there) his stories were about Lisa’s son Ben. Cas didn’t know why it hurt him so much, especially considering that Sophie was only legally his and that Dean _was_ just the babysitter… but it didn’t feel right. Dean was drifting further and further away, and even though Cas knew he himself was to blame for some of it (since talking to Dean had gotten a lot harder), it upset him all the more. He knew he could eventually deal with whatever unrequited feelings he had for Dean, but he wasn’t sure he could handle losing him entirely. He’d picked up a lot of skill in taking care of Sophie but that was mostly trial and error.

 

Going it alone made him feel terrified and nauseous.

 

Then came the night Dean didn’t come home at all.

 

He had to go to work early in the morning, but Sophie had gotten upset and wouldn't stop crying. He feared she might be sick but couldn't get the doctor on the phone. He was stuck sitting up with her, trying to rock or sing her to sleep, knowing that Dean was out there somewhere with Lisa, his hands sliding down her body, his lips pressed to her collarbone...

 

Castiel squeezed his eyes shut, feeling a knot form in his throat. He looked at the clock. Four a.m., and Sophie was still crying. He had to be at work in a few hours or so, and Dean wasn't even here to watch her when he left. He'd have to take her with him if he didn’t get home soon... Cas was quickly feeling his concern and sadness develop into anger.

 

Not sleeping could do that to a guy, he guessed.

 

He sat on that anger for another hour before he heard the front door and the familiar shuffle of a body down the hall. By then he was ready to explode.

 

Dean looked a bit like a kicked puppy as soon as he came into the room, but he clearly didn’t know just how much trouble he was in. All slept in—mussed hair, wrinkled clothes that he’d picked up off the floor before he’d left, untied boots—he was exactly the sight Cas didn’t want to see right now. Dean was only focused on Sophie at the moment though, reaching out to her in Cas’s arms to touch her forehead and check for fever. “How long has she been like this?”

 

He yanked Sophie away from Dean's hand. "All goddamned night," he growled, and his voice didn't even sound like himself. He didn't think he'd sounded this mean... ever. "Not that you would know. You got a lot of nerve coming in here and jumping in like this is a tag team. Where the hell have you been?"

 

Before Dean could even answer, Castiel shook his head. "You know what? I don't care. I don't care because I already know, but you could have at least called to let me know you were shirking your responsibilities to spend the night with your girlfriend. I could have hired a babysitter."

 

Dean probably would have had the same expression if Cas had outright slapped him across the face. Cas may not have known everything about Dean, but he’d learned enough to know how to hit him where it hurt, and Dean’s sense of duty was an easy spot to poke at.

 

Of course, Dean, being who he was, wasn’t likely to take it lying down. “Fuck you!” he bit out. “I overslept. It was an accident. If you don’t want me here I can always go back, you know.”

 

Cas recoiled but recovered quickly. "It's not like you're ever here anyway!" he shouted over Sophie's cries. "If you could have just informed me that we were your placeholder family until you found a real one, I certainly would have appreciated it!"

 

Sophie was just getting louder, so he held her closer, but his arms were shaking, and his throat was clogged, and his eyes were stinging... and he still felt so strongly for this man standing in his bedroom, this man who felt _nothing_ for him… He couldn't help but be angry.

 

Castiel put Sophie down on the bed and started getting dressed, moving his hands feverishly over the buttons of his clothes. He was going ahead and dressing for work, figuring he needed to get Sophie to the clinic and probably wouldn’t have time to come back by the house.

 

"So, go. Go back over there to your girlfriend and her child and enjoy your fucking life, Dean! In the meantime, I've got to take _my_ child to the doctor."

 

Dean’s mouth hung open, like he was so hurt and offended he couldn’t even find the words. Cas knew he’d made a hell of a hit reminding Dean just who Sophie belonged to (and more importantly, _didn_ _’_ _t_ belong to). He wished he felt better about it, but it just made his stomach twist up in disgust all the more.

 

Then Dean seemed to remember his vocabulary, though it wasn’t quite was Cas expected.

" _Placeholder family_? When the hell did you…" He cut that off on his own, likely aware of just how that line of discussion would go. "Cas, you were never there just to hold a place until I cashed in for something better. Neither of you were. I just figured… You're her dad, aren't you? And you deserve her more than anyone. I'm just the babysitter or the roommate at best. What sort of claim am I allowed to put on either of you?"

 

 _You could have claimed us,_ Cas thought bitterly but didn’t voice it. Even though Dean was trying to bring down the volume since it was helping no one, Cas couldn’t make himself do the same. He _wanted_ to fight, wanted to feel validated in his anger. He was so fucking _tired_.

 

"You accepted responsibility to help me!" Castiel shouted, and it felt like his voice had been scraped over shards of glass. "The day you moved into this house and into our lives, into _her_ life, you became a part of this, and you can't just back out on it because you found someone else, Dean!"

 

He felt almost lightheaded as he bundled her up in a blanket, headache pounding through her screeches. He didn't know how she had such powerful lungs for such a little child.

 

"Ever since you met Lisa, you've been here less and less and less. You think I don't know what's happening? You think I don't know that you're going to eventually leave here and move in with her, and then the two of you will get married, and you'll just have a perfect little family? How the fuck am I supposed to feel, Dean? How would you feel if you were in my position?"

 

He didn't wait for an answer, carrying Sophie out into the living room, settling her into her carseat, putting another blanket on top of her.

 

Dean did follow him as expected, though, catching him by the arm only to immediately let go when Cas glared at him. "Cas, please, I get that you're pissed and you have every right to be, but you'll get to the doctor's quicker if I take you."

 

Cas knew that was true. He also knew that if it was something serious, those minutes could make all the difference… and yet there was a small, stubborn part of him that didn’t want to relent. Even knowing that part of him existed made him feel sick, because Sophie deserved so much better than someone who would sacrifice help for her to get the upper hand in an argument.

 

"Cas, please just let me do this. You don't even have to talk to me, alright? We can deal with it once we get this figured out and you get some actual sleep."

 

Cas blinked a few times, looking away, but after a moment he let Dean take the handle of the carseat and carry her out to the Impala.

 

The drive was absolutely silent, which was a bit of a relief even though it was awkward. Sophie's crying had finally stopped, and Cas couldn't help but wonder if a lot of it had come from the fact that Dean and Cas were arguing.

 

The doctor's office was mostly quiet too, though there were a few people inside the waiting room. He held Sophie close to his chest, shivering at the cold that had seeped in through his old coat. He really couldn't afford the doctor's visit, but he had to do something.

 

Castiel could actually feel the distance between him and Dean. A part of him thought there wasn't enough, but a much larger part of him wanted to be closer. He had a feeling that larger part wasn't his head talking.

 

...still, now that he'd calmed down, he couldn't help but feel bad about how bitter he'd been. He'd said some cruel things, unnecessarily cruel things, when Dean really didn't do anything. Castiel hadn't even given him the chance to explain, and yeah, he was tired and had been listening to a screaming child for hours, but he still wasn't in the right. Dean didn't belong to him. He knew that. He'd been telling himself that constantly... but he'd still gotten jealous and covetous, like Dean was one of his toys being taken away by another kid. He didn't even know he was the jealous type.

 

He supposed he could understand it, even if it didn't condone his actions. Lisa had a mom and a dad, a son, lots of friends, maybe even some siblings. All of Castiel's life the people he had cared about had drifted in and then drifted right back out as quickly as they had come in. The only one who had stuck around was Anna, and now there was no getting her back at all. It wasn't fair that Lisa got Dean too... at least, that was the reasoning behind his hurt, jealous little heart.

 

The doctor called them back eventually, and Sophie got subjected to a few tests. Within two hours, she had been diagnosed with an ear infection, given a prescription, and sent home.

 

Sophie was asleep by the time they got home, so Castiel put her in the crib and proceeded to finish getting ready for work. There was no point in going back to bed.

 

Dean hovered a bit awkwardly in the doorway of the bedroom, a crease between his brows. “Cas, are you sure you want to go in? I mean, you got about as much sleep as she did." He placed his hand on Cas's shoulder. "If you tell your boss what happened, she’ll cut you some slack."

 

"I have to," Castiel mumbled, looking at the floor rather than at Dean. The warmth of his hand was something he wanted to lean into, but he didn't dare, not now, not after everything. "I've got another doctor bill coming my way now."

 

He didn't know how he was going to get through this day, but staying here with Dean and that distance and awkwardness definitely wasn't going to be manageable. Maybe if he got to work he could focus on something else and get his head together, could clear the cotton out of his head.

 

"I'll be home around six," he mumbled, pulling on his jacket. He was out the door before Dean could say anything else.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

When he got home, he was barely on his feet, but there was a strong part of him relieved not to come in to Sam and a bunch of boxes. Dean was still here and in fact on the sofa with Sophie. She was sleeping peacefully, and Dean looked a bit like he’d been startled awake himself. “Hey, Cas,” he said, but it was hesitant, like he was expecting another fight. Cas knew that was fair, considering how he’d blown up on him that morning.

 

"Dean, I... I'm sorry for how I acted... I just... I overreacted. That's all."

 

He went to make a quick retreat after that, but he was sleepy and didn't really check where he was going, tripping over a toy and thumping his shoulder a bit harshly against the wall. When Dean got up to help, it stirred Sophie from her sleep, and before either of them could respond, she started to cry.

 

"Oh, shit." Dean shifted Sophie up onto his shoulder, patting her back while pressing a kiss to her cheek. "No, come on, sweetheart, I didn't mean to do that to you. I was just worried about your dad, alright?" He winced when Sophie kept on crying, dropping his eyes to the floor. "I just keep screwing up with you both. If anyone should be apologizing it's me."

 

Castiel squeezed his eyes shut against the sounds of a screaming child, his headache amping right back up to eleven. Still, he took her from Dean, hoping he could calm her down a little. "Get... just get her pacifier," he said over the squalling and was relieved to find that it did the trick in silencing her when Dean brought it over and popped it into her mouth. Blessed silence followed.

 

Of course, now there was just all the awkwardness to deal with that he'd been wanting to avoid by getting away in the first place. "You don't... you don't have to apologize, Dean... I was being a jerk. I know it was just an accident. I was frustrated, and I took it out on you..."

 

Dean shook his head, hands sliding into his pockets. “No, I… I did some shit that pissed you off. I promised I wouldn’t leave you hanging, and I let you down. Even worse, I made you feel like something that I could just toss out of my life… and for that, I do deserve the ass-chewing.”

 

"No, Dean, I... no..." Castiel sighed. He wanted to go to sleep, but he should have known they couldn't just let this wait. He adjusted Sophie onto his unhurt shoulder, still bouncing her a little bit.

 

"Listen, I... well..." How was he supposed to put this without Dean getting the wrong (right) idea? "I just... I grew up in foster care, you know that... I was traded in and out of families all the time... I'd sometimes stay a few weeks, sometimes a few months... but regardless, I was constantly moved around from one family to another. I didn't make connections. I didn't have family. I didn't have friends. I was afraid that, if I got close to anyone, I'd just lose them...

 

"Then I met Anna... and Anna was different. See, we were... instant, you know? Kindred spirits, I guess. We were each other's rock in an unstable world... Gabriel sometimes too, I guess, but no one stayed close to me like Anna... and... now she's gone..."

 

He felt his eyes well up with tears again. God, he cried so easily when he didn't get any sleep.

 

"Everyone I've ever cared about has left me, Dean... and I was afraid I was losing you too... I'm sorry."

 

He looked away, hating the way a tear snaked out from the corner of his eye.

 

"God, Cas, no, that's the last sort of thing you should apologize for. I just wish you had told me before. I wouldn’t have been mad if you got on my ass about this, seriously. Ask Sam, I can be kinda brain-dead sometimes, but if you call me on my shit I’ll straighten up. You _are_ family to me, Cas. You and Sophie both are… but I didn’t wanna overstep my boundaries. I know someday you’d find someone, and you wouldn’t need _me_ anymore, so… and I mean, that’s what you deserve, Cas, you do. You deserve a nice girl, to get hitched, and have a family of your own. You’re more of a catch than you realize.”

 

“Dean…” Cas said, pausing, unsure whether or not to reveal any further information. He’d already humiliated himself enough… but he couldn’t help but think of Dean setting him up on dates with various women, dates that would inevitably go poorly.

 

"Dean, I'm not attracted to women," he said awkwardly. "So, it’s probably best if girls don't find me a catch, honestly..."

 

The silence he received from Dean in return was unsettling.

 

"I'm just uh... I'm going to put her to bed."

 

He excused himself and went back to his room, settling Sophie into the crib. He left the room behind to go and retrieve some medicine for his headache so that he could get some sleep (though he knew he should probably eat something), and he found Dean was still standing where he left him...

 

"Um... Dean, I... are you okay?"

 

Dean's head snapped up, eyes widening when they landed on Cas. He shook his head as though he were trying to get water out of his ears. "I…no… I mean…um… I just didn't think you were…you know…because you never…"

 

Dean exhaled. “You know what, fuck it. I’m just kinda kicking myself right now because I thought you weren’t interested, and now I realize you just weren’t experienced enough to realize I was flirting with you to begin with.”

Castiel felt his heart actually freeze in his chest. If anything time itself may have stopped. His eyes widened, and his mouth fell open, but no sound came out.

 

"Oh," he finally said, and he found that was all he could manage. After several more seconds of silence, he finally remembered what he had come out there to do and wandered in a daze to the kitchen where some of his pain medication was sitting on the counter. He poured a few Tylenol into his hand and swallowed them dry, and that was when he realized he was still shaking, possibly more so now than ever.

 

He gripped the counter, feeling a little dizzy-- well, okay, a lot dizzy. Dean had been flirting with him? He had missed it, and now Dean was with someone else, and he'd just...

 

He didn't quite know when Dean had come into the kitchen, but when his vision momentarily blacked out, he found that he had been caught by the arm. His back pressed up against Dean's chest, the spots clearing from his vision.

 

Whoa there." Dean lifted his arms up to settle around Cas's waist. "Are you alright?" He looked down at Cas as best he could, brow furrowing when he took in how pale Cas looked. "Cas? What is it? Did I say something wrong? Because I mean, this doesn't have to change things all that much. You don't have to feel bad for not liking me that way or something. I didn’t wanna make it _weirder_. Shit."

 

"No, no, I just... I haven't slept in over twenty-four hours and I haven't eaten in at least six," Castiel tried to explain and then found himself freezing, wanting to tell Dean _but of course I liked you. I still do_.

 

It was too late for that. Dean was with Lisa now. Dean was happy with Lisa.

 

...but well, he could at least take a little advantage of this moment, right? Besides, his head was swimming. He closed his eyes and let his forehead fall to Dean's shoulder. "I don't even think I ate lunch," Castiel admitted after a moment of thinking, voice soft and gravelly. "I just didn't feel up to it."

 

Dean was so warm. He could sink into his arms easily, he thought. He wanted to, really...

 

“I can fix you something,” Dean said, and his voice was as soft as his touch, like Cas had suddenly become delicate. Cas never would have described himself in such a way, but at the moment he appreciated it. The hand on his lower back keeping him grounded, and the hand in his hair soothing the ache in his head a little… For a moment, it felt like Dean was completely his.

 

That feeling was only exacerbated when he lifted his head only to be met with a kiss.

 

Cas was certain he must have passed out in the kitchen, maybe brained himself on the counter on the way down. He knew that had to have been what happened because what was happening now was... impossible. He'd dreamed it before, sure, but it could never actually happen in reality. He'd missed the boat on that one.

 

...but he didn't remember it feeling so fiery (or so clumsy) in his dreams.

 

It only lasted for a moment or two, Castiel's hands settling on Dean's shoulders and Dean's hands on his waist, and then they parted. Castiel breathed out slowly, vision dazed as Dean's face slowly came back into view. This was usually the part where he woke up, but as he stood there, he realized he wasn't waking. If anything, he was growing sleepier, and that didn't make any sense.

 

"Dean...?" he said, soft, slow, hands sliding down his chest.

 

Oh.

 

This was real.

 

“I… um…” Dean said, looking more flustered than Cas had ever seen him. “Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have done that. I just… I wanted to for a long time, and… yeah. So much for me not making it weirder.”

 

"But you... you have a girlfriend," Castiel stammered. "A-and she's... she's nice and beautiful and smart... and... I don't... why... why me?"

 

It didn't make sense. As much as Castiel had wanted this, he had never been able to conjure up a situation in his mind where Dean would pick _him_ over a chance at something much greater. He was just... Castiel. Just a guy. Dean had options. He'd already made his choice.

 

Dean blushed, hand scrubbing over the back of his neck. “Fuck, I… well, like I said, I thought you weren’t interested. I just kinda figured I ought to… y’know, give it a try with someone else. I kinda thought you’d want me to, that you’d get sick of me breathing down your neck all the time, like Sam did.”

 

Castiel scrambled a bit for some kind of response. None of it made sense to him, though he figured a lot of that had to do with being awake so long. He wished they could have come to this at a different time, when he was thinking more clearly, but they likely never would have gotten to this point otherwise.

 

Finally, he managed honesty, since that was all he had the strength for now. “I’ve liked you for a while… but I didn’t want to mess up your happiness, not when you liked her so much. I never thought you could have feelings for someone like me.”

 

"I do like Lisa… but I think I spent the whole time I was with her trying to like more than I actually could. Which sounds foul, I know, but…but I thought I didn't have a chance with you anymore so I just…I don't know…bottled it up and pushed forward. It's what I'm best at."

 

He rubbed his thumb across Cas's scalp. "I think it's time to get you to bed. You're wobbling on your feet."

 

Part of him wanted to argue that Dean shouldn’t talk about Lisa in the past tense since technically he was still _with_ her. The fact that this could change though was overwhelming enough already. Dean seemed so serious with Lisa, but maybe he wasn’t. Maybe that had all been in Cas’s head. He’d very seldom actually been around when they were together, after all, so perhaps his own jealousy had blown all of this out of proportion.

 

…but yet, why would Dean abandon the opportunity he had with Lisa for Cas?

 

He blinked hazily, not sure when he'd gotten into his bedroom, and he found himself falling into the bed. He hadn't even taken his shoes off yet, hadn't eaten dinner, but he wasn't sure he was going to be able to get up again. The best he could manage at the moment was to roll back onto his back. That was when he felt Dean's hand in his hair again.

 

"Dean, we should talk about this... We need to talk about this..." he said, but his eyelids were already drooping. "Dean..."

 

His eyes fell closed, head tilting towards his hand.

 

Dean brushed a kiss against Cas's cheek. "We can talk about it once you get some sleep under your belt. God knows you'll be better prepared for it then."

 

Cas couldn’t fight that logic, mainly because he was already asleep.

 

\--

 

Castiel's sleep was so deep that he didn't dream. He just slipped into black oblivion, snoring softly and not moving. Even when Sophie woke up and started to cry he didn't budge. His body was just so worn down, his brain overtaxed by all of the new information.

 

When he woke up, it was sometime around three in the morning. He was still exhausted, but the need to go to the bathroom trumped the need to sleep for the moment. He got to his feet and shuffled to the bathroom after giving Sophie a quick glance to make sure she was all right.

 

Once he was finished, he washed his hands and splashed some water on his face. Had any of that really happened or had he dreamed it? It still felt a bit like a dream.

 

He was conflicted about eating and screwing up his schedule all the more or going back to bed, so he found himself stuck in the hallway, looking into Dean's room through the cracked door. Moonlight was seeping in through the blinds of Dean's window, falling over his shoulders and hair. It made Castiel want to go in and touch.

 

He was just about to turn away, when from the bedroom came, “Cas?”

 

Castiel jolted and tried to make an escape, but Dean had already seen him. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, voice sounding too loud in the dark. "I just woke up to go to the bathroom and... it's nothing. I'm sorry."

 

He couldn't bring himself to move away from the door though, not with the memory (or dream) of Dean's mouth pressed against his own still so fresh in his mind.

 

"I didn't mean to wake you."

 

"No, no…" Dean pushed up on his elbows, squinting his eyes shut once before actually opening them and sitting up fully. "It's fine."

 

Cas thought things were normal until Dean added, "You wanted to talk to me anyway, about everything that happened. I remember that."

 

For a moment, Cas was frozen.

 

So… it _had_ happened.

 

"Yes..." he said softly, coming into the room and sitting down at the edge of Dean's bed. "I just... I'm so sorry for... everything. The blowing up at you, the jealousy... I was really just afraid to lose you, and... now I'm afraid it might still happen. I don't want to come between you and Lisa, Dean."

 

Dean frowned, huffing out a breath as he shook his head. "You are the hardest guy to read, you know that?" There wasn't any bite in his words when he said it, though. If anything he almost sounded fond.

 

"I… I could be happy with Lisa, I know that. I like her and I like Ben even more… but I also liked you. Being with Lisa was all about trying to get over that. There’s… well, I’m not gonna lie, there’s potential for the two of us, but if that means losing you and Sophie..." He curled his hands into the blankets. "Cas, I don't think I can do that."

 

Dean shook his head. "Cas…you're already a part of my family. You can't make me lose you."

 

"You aren't going to lose me," Castiel said, looking down at his lap, feeling a bit embarrassed if not also a bit flattered. "I'm not going anywhere, Dean. The whole reason why I was upset was because I thought _I_ was losing _you_."

 

He ran a hand over his hair. "Dean, I... I want you to do what's best for you. I want... I want you to be happy, and if Lisa is what makes you happy then I don't want to ruin that. I won't tell her about the kiss. I won't tell her about any of it, I promise..."

 

" That wouldn't be fair to you at all." He reached out to settle his hand on the back of Cas's neck, pulling his head in close. "Cas, I don't think you get it. If I can have you then I don't want anyone else. All that stuff you talked about wanting to have, that's what I want too, alright? But with you."

 

Castiel's heart flipped, and he found himself turning to look at Dean. They were close, so close...

 

"How could you want me though, Dean? I don't have anything to offer you, not like she does. I just don't know how you could possibly think there's any sort of choice..."

 

His hands touched Dean's chest, though he wasn't sure if he was planning to pull him closer or push him away. "As long as you're happy, I'll be okay, Dean. You don't have to end a good, stable relationship for my sake.”

 

Dean snorted. "Cas, honestly, sometimes I don't get how you can still think that way about yourself. You're… You're freaking gorgeous, alright? You’re a hell of a better man than I’ll ever be. Plus, do you not realize what a good dad you are? I mean, seriously, your Sophie's favorite person in the whole world and that's never gonna change."

 

He rested his forehead against Cas's. "You can keep trying to drag your name through the mud, but I'm not gonna listen, all right? In fact, you try again and I'm gonna kiss you until you stop."

 

"Well, maybe I should keep talking," Castiel breathed, hands gripping in Dean's sleep shirt. He was already tilting his head, but there was still a bit of hesitation. He didn't want to overstep his boundaries and he was sure he still needed to give Dean a moment to really think this through.

 

"How do you even know that we would... work...?" Castiel asked, eyes falling closed, lips just brushing against Dean's.

 

"How can I not know?" he said, grinning. "We were working together right up until we started not being together." He curled his fingers against the soft hairs on the back of Cas's neck. "Now, Cas, you're really going to just have to let me kiss you now because you're driving me fucking crazy."

 

He didn't wait for a reply to that before closing what was left of the distance between them.

 

Castiel managed to get a breath in before Dean pulled him in, but from that point on he wouldn’t claim responsibility for any his actions. His hands scrambled over Dean's chest and shoulders until they found places to settle, and he kissed back with as much fervor as he could muster.

 

He wasn’t sure just how long they were at it, but he was definitely aware when Dean pulled him down on top of him. For a minute or two, Cas didn’t care about the shift in position, but when they parted he couldn’t help but realize with a bit of embarrassment that he’d been situated right against Dean’s thigh, where it was obvious he’d gotten hard.

 

Cas panted, trying to decide whether he should climb off or not. Dean didn’t seem to be judging him though.

 

“Cas, it’s all right. I’m not going to push you into anything, promise,” Dean said.

 

Cas swallowed thickly, and shuddered when Dean moved his thigh just so. “It’s not that I don’t want to,” he gasped, fists clenching in the sheets on either side of Dean’s head. “I just… I’ve never done this before.”

 

Dean knew that of course (considering Gabriel had made sure to announce it as loudly and as frequently as possible), but he still felt the need to tell him. It didn’t feel right not to, especially considering the fact that he likely wouldn’t be any sort of good at it.

 

"Cas, it's alright." He rubbed his thumb across Cas's hip, expression fond. "Just goes with what feels good, okay? There's a lot of stuff we can shelve for later if you want."

 

Castiel nodded, swallowing again, feeling a slight tremble run through his body. He leaned in and kissed Dean gently, still shivering a little. He was nervous all the same, but... well, Dean was here, and that soft look made him believe it would be okay.

 

There was only one thing... Dean was technically still with Lisa... so wasn't this cheating?

 

"Dean, I... I can't... you have a girlfriend."

 

Dean seemed to consider dragging Cas down for another kiss and forgetting about it, but Cas knew his moral code wouldn’t allow it. Eventually Dean’s head just thumped back against the pillow. "So none of this until I break up with her… I'll… I'll do that tomorrow or soon… I need to think of what to say to her."

 

"I guess I should leave you alone then," Castiel mumbled, even though he certainly didn't want to. He was still rock hard against Dean's thigh, and now that nothing was happening it was humiliatingly apparent. He didn't think this was the kind of erection that could be willed away. He'd probably have to go jerk off in the bathroom before he could go back to bed. "I'm sorry... I really should uh... I should go."

 

“Uh, yeah, um… if you don’t, we’ll probably just start up again so… if you wanna protect your virtue…” Dean grinned.

 

“I’m… _my_ virtue isn’t exactly the one at stake here,” Cas said, even though it sort of was. Dean was the one in a relationship right now after all.

 

Cas carefully lifted himself off of Dean, flopping down next to him on the bed with a grunt.

 

Dean smiled, almost shy, reaching out and running a hand over Cas’s hair. “You can uh… sleep here though, if you want. We won’t do anything.”

 

Cas was certain he wouldn’t be able to just sleep off the erection, but he found himself nodding anyway. “Okay,” he said, voice a bit rough around the edges. “I’ll… stay.”

 

He’d stay forever, if Dean would let him.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

 

The next few weeks were a bit awkward. It didn’t help of course that the first few times Dean went to break up with Lisa, he chickened out. Cas couldn’t completely blame him since Ben was present in several of those situations, and then Lisa’s own mother had happened to drop in the next time he’d gone by. That being said, it had started to get really annoying that Cas could look but not touch. _God_ , how he wanted to _touch_.

 

Cas had remained as calm as possible though and kept his hands to himself. He did have to admit that it had started to stir some concerns in him though, mainly that Dean was rethinking breaking up with Lisa and couldn’t quite manage it because of that. He didn’t talk to Dean about it, mostly because he seemed conflicted enough as it was.

 

So far, they’d only slipped up once, and that was nothing more than a drawn out kiss in the kitchen. It had briefly silenced any of Cas’s concerns about whether Dean was still interested, but it was getting to the point that nothing could really hold back those anxieties now. Dean obviously still had some issues over the idea of even being in a relationship with a man (even if he hadn’t said as much), but surely if he’d decided to stay with her he would have told him by now, right?

 

Between long shifts at work and various relatives being present, it was a miracle when Dean finally said he had some alone time prepared with Lisa to talk. She had in fact asked him to come over. Cas had started to wonder if maybe they were on the same page. It was obvious Dean’s interest in her had waned a bit recently, so maybe…

 

It was just that Dean had been gone for a long time.

 

At first he figured that was only natural. Cas didn’t know the ins and outs of their relationship, and maybe they had a lot to talk about. Then he worried for her that she was taking it harder than expected… and then he began to wonder if she’d convinced him to stay and that all this time he was taking was to try and figure out how to break the news to Cas.

 

Surely a break-up didn’t take _hours_. Cas hadn’t really experienced one of any sort of serious caliber, and he figured Dean and Lisa definitely qualified as “serious” given that they’d been seeing each other exclusively for months, but… hours? Really?

 

Sophie only needed so much tending to during the day, but Cas valiantly attempted to fill the time with her. Helping her roll over, playing with her, feeding her, changing her… but longer and longer Cas found it hard to focus on anything but the lack of Dean’s presence.

 

Dinner came and went, and Dean’s food sat untouched and cold on the table. Sophie had been put to bed. Cas was beginning to feel like he’d been played.

 

Why would Dean do this? Why would he act like he was interested and then go running back to his girlfriend at the first opportunity? Was it because Cas had withheld from moving forward? Was it all a ploy from the beginning to get into his pants? Why would Dean want to get into his pants that badly? Cas wasn’t _that_ much of a prize. Dean could really go out and get whoever he wanted. To put so much time and effort into something so frivolous just didn’t fit with the Dean Cas knew… but what if Dean had been lying to him from the _start_? That couldn’t be. This was _Dean_. Cas’s judge of character occasionally left a bit to be desired, but he definitely knew Sophie’s was good. If Dean was out to play him, he wouldn’t have stuck around nearly so long. Right?

 

The key clicked in the lock.

 

Relief flooded through him, and it took all of the power in him not to run to the door. He stopped dead in his tracks, however, when he saw the look on Dean's face.

 

_Oh no._

“Dean…?” Cas said tentatively. Maybe he was misreading the situation. Maybe Dean was just sad for hurting her— _please_ let him just—

 

Dean started to lift a hand, as if he was going to reach out to Cas, but then it just dropped back to his side. Cas watched the Adam’s apple bob in Dean’s throat as he swallowed. “I uh… I fucked up pretty bad this time, I guess,” he said.

 

“What did you do?”

 

Dean was quiet for a moment, scrubbing his hands over his face. “So, uh, Lisa called me over to tell me she’s pregnant, and… she’s fairly certain it’s mine.”

 

Silence immediately filled the room. It could have been minutes or hours where no one said anything and Cas wouldn’t have known. No one really needed to say anything. Cas already knew what this development meant.

 

Dean was the type who was loyal to a fault. After losing his mother to fire, losing his father to vengeance, and losing his brother to school, there was no way Dean was going to walk out on family. It wasn’t in him to. It never had been, and it never would be. The dedication he had was part of what Cas liked about Dean. It seemed only fair that the cruel universe would use it against him in the end.

 

“Cas?”

 

Dean’s voice cut through the fog, and Cas realized he was still standing there, silent, mouth agape. Dean had moved a little closer, but still seemed hesitant to touch. Part of Cas wanted to beg him to, but he didn’t. He just stood there, feeling as if he was underwater and perfectly content to drown.

 

He didn’t know why it hurt quite this much… Perhaps it was the fact that he’d gotten a taste and had it yanked away, that he knew that his affection for Dean wasn’t all in his head and that if he’d just acted on it sooner he could have had all he ever wanted… Maybe it was just because he was so tired of getting his hopes up.

 

He tried to speak, but he didn’t know what to say.

 

“Cas, I…” Dean said, faltered, and tried again. “I don’t know what to do… I can’t… leave her like this. She’s already got her hands full with Ben, and I can’t just ditch her like this. She wants to keep it… and… I want her to. Cas, I—all I ever was good at was taking care of people, and I’m not even _really_ good at that. Taking care of Sophie’s made me feel like I could be great at it though, and she’s made me wanna be a good dad. A better dad than mine… a dad like you. That’s why I…”

 

Cas stared at the floor.

 

It wasn’t fair.

 

It was over, and they hadn’t even gotten to start.

 

“When are you leaving?” Cas asked, voice cold.

 

“Cas—“

 

Castiel just shook his head, turning away, folding his arms around himself. “I just need to know, so that I can figure out what to do with Sophie.”

 

He didn’t want to be angry at Dean. Deep down, he really wasn’t… but it was just one time too many, the final nail in his coffin, and at this point he had to disengage. If he didn’t, he’d just get hurt all the more. He couldn’t take it anymore.

 

“Cas, please… don’t do this. I wanted…”

 

“It’s fine, Dean,” Cas said curtly. “It’s for the best. I told you before that I wouldn’t be mad if you chose this, and I’m not. When are you leaving?”

 

“Come on, man… we gotta talk about this.”

 

“I think this largely sits under the category of ‘your shit’, Dean.”

 

Dean swallowed again, fingers twitching, but there was no anger there. If anything, he just looked sad, ashamed of himself, and defeated. “All right…” he said quietly. “If you don’t wanna talk about it, we don’t have to… but… what I wanted was you.”

 

Cas couldn’t stand the longing that flared up in his broken heart. He squashed it back down. He couldn’t let this keep happening, couldn’t let himself keep getting hurt. He had Sophie to look after, and even though it wasn’t completely Dean’s fault that it all turned out this way, he had to put the blame somewhere to save himself.

 

“I don’t want _you_ ,” Cas said. It was a lie, but he’d make himself believe it eventually.

 

Then he asked again, “When are you leaving?”

 

Dean’s expression didn’t change, but the light in his eyes did. His voice only wobbled a little when he spoke again. “I guess I’ll start packing my stuff.”

 

\--

 

Sam had been called over to help Dean pack, but it seemed like most of what he was doing was trying to talk Dean out of it. They’d exploded into arguments at least three times over the past couple of hours, and Cas frankly just tried to ignore it. He couldn’t quite manage though and neither could Sophie, who seemed to be able to sense the tension in the house and was unable to sleep because of it. He was ready to just give up and put her back in the crib to fuss for a little while when Sam came out of the bedroom.

 

“Can we talk?” he asked, and, if only because Cas was sure Sam wanted to communicate with someone who wasn’t Dean for a moment, he agreed.

 

“What do you want?”

 

Sam cleared his throat and stretched his fingers, looking at the unoccupied seat on the couch but not actually taking it. “Look, I… I’m just trying to get through to him. I’m not leaving until I do. I know he’s happiest here and he’s making a big mistake, and I want you to know I’m on your side. Dean is… well, he’s a fucking idiot, and he’s got some hang ups about a lot of different things, but… if he can get past those, I know that this is where he belongs.”

 

Castiel blinked, adjusted Sophie in his arms. At least the slightly calmer Sam had helped ease the air a little, even if Cas was still uncomfortable. “Dean doesn’t belong anywhere except wherever he wants to go,” Cas said. “He’s going to do what he’s going to do, Sam. He’s already made up his mind. I told him to leave. I don’t want him here.”

 

“I know that’s not true.”

 

“True or not, it’s what’s happening,” Cas said, staring at the floor. “If you think you’re going to convince him otherwise, then you’d better grab a blanket, because you’re going to be here all night.”

 

“Cas…”

 

Castiel sighed, lifting his head again, putting on a brave face. “Sam, I’m not angry with him. I’m fine… I’m assuming he’s told you… everything… but I am all right. It’s not as if I was in love with him or anything. Of course I’m disappointed, but… we were never a couple. He’ll be happy with Lisa, and I’ll be… here.”

 

The crack in his heart widened just a little bit more.

 

“Well,” Sam said. “I think you’re both wrong.”

 

“It’s too bad it’s not your place to make that decision.”

 

The statement was without spite. He really did wish at this point that Sam could take control of the situation since he was the only one not being hurt by it, but there was nothing more to be done. As much as he hated it all, he’d mend eventually. He’d stay strong for Sophie’s sake because he still had her. He could wait forever for romantic love that might never come, but that didn’t mean he was without love.

 

Above everything—Dean, himself, his broken heart—Sophie’s health and happiness came first.

 

Sam ran a hand over his hair, sighing. “Well… I uh… I can ask around up at the school and see if I can’t get someone to come by and watch Sophie for you while you’re at work. Dean’ll still do it if you ask him, but he’s probably going to be getting kinda busy before long, and you… probably don’t want him here at all.”

 

“It’s all right, Sam,” he said, offering a small smile. “I appreciate it, but I can’t afford to pay a babysitter right now. Besides, it’s my job to take care of her. She’s my child, so I should. I’ll be fine. I’ll get by. I always do.”

 

He glanced towards the hall, seeing Dean just standing out of the light. Cas couldn’t see his face in the darkness. He wondered how long he’d been listening.

 

\--

 

By morning, the Impala had been crammed with things, and Sam had taken another carload over to Lisa’s. It left Cas alone with Dean for the first time since their fight. Neither of them had slept, not really, but Cas sort of found it a blessing. They were too tired to argue.

 

Sophie squeaked happily when Dean came out of the bedroom, trying to get him to lift her up, but he didn’t, not this time. He met Cas’s gaze, and it felt like something needed to be said. A goodbye, maybe? An apology for what could have been?

 

“I guess I should… give this back to you,” Dean said, digging in his pocket until he found the house key Cas had given him. It was the first thing he’d said to him in hours. “Cas, I…”

 

Castiel shook his head as he accepted the key. “Thank you. For the help you’ve provided… and for being my friend. I wish you all the happiness in the world, and I mean that…” He did, truly. In the light of day, it was easier to remember that Dean wasn’t his, never had been, and he didn’t deserve any bitterness over a future that was supposed to be happy. Cas would move on, despite the pain. The world was still spinning and tomorrow was still there. He just wished it hurt a little less with that knowledge.

 

Dean swallowed, but he couldn’t seem to form what he was trying to say into words.

 

Sophie squeaked again, this time drawing Cas’s attention away, and his eyes widened in surprised. “Dean—“ he said, just in time for Dean to turn as well and see that she was crawling towards him.

 

Sophie was _crawling towards Dean_.

 

For the briefest of moments, both of them forgot everything else. As Sophie reached Dean’s boot, he scooped her up into his arms, exclaiming, “Look at you! You did it!” Sophie squealed in delight as Dean kissed her cheek, and Cas’s heart melted at the sight of it.

 

Once the excitement ebbed a bit though, the sadness crept in, and it felt all the worse to know this was probably the last thing Dean and he would experience together regarding Sophie. Dean would miss her teeth coming in, her first words, her first steps… Cas hadn’t even realized until that point that he’d expected Dean to be there for all of it. Dean was _family_.

 

…only, he wasn’t. Not anymore.

 

He looked at the two of them together, at how joyous they both were in tandem. Sophie was going to miss him just as much as Cas was, and Cas wasn’t positive how he was going to handle all of this on his own… for a brief second, he hated Dean, hated him for leaving him high and dry like this and running off to another family that was blood as if that made it better. Cas didn’t have a single blood relative that he knew about, but Dean had his brother, and he would have a son or daughter. He hated Dean for having something just because Cas had nothing.

 

How was that fair to him _or_ to Sophie? How dare he come into her life, make her love him, and then slide right back out of it? How dare he do that to Cas too? He was so _angry_ that Dean had gotten the privilege of experiencing _any_ of Sophie’s life because the whole reason Cas had taken her in was because he didn’t want her to suffer like he did. He didn’t want her to have parents that were impermanent, parents that thought she was in any way expendable.

 

Even with his anger feeling justified, Cas found it seeping out of him as fast as it had appeared. Maybe he loved Sophie too much to burden her with further hatred, or maybe he loved Dean too much to torture him further. He hadn’t been given the chance to fall in love with Dean, but there was no question that he loved the man sincerely. When Anna had died, Cas had forgotten what it was like to put faith in someone again… Dean had brought him back. He could never be angry with him for that.

 

As Dean approached to hand Sophie to him, Cas met his gaze and did his best to keep it steady. Cas wanted the whole world for Dean, and if he got that with Lisa then so be it. Dean had been thrown into everything he’d ever done; if he could manage, then so could Cas.

 

Somehow.

 

Hopefully.

 

“I’m sorry,” Dean said as he settled Sophie in Cas’s arms. His voice was low enough that Cas almost didn’t even catch it.

 

“Me too,” Cas mumbled back.

 

There wasn’t anything else to be said.

 

Dean walked out, his footfalls as loud as they always had been and the door shutting unexpectedly quiet. A hush fell over the living room once the sound of the Impala faded into the distance. Even Sophie was quiet, head cradled against Cas’s chest and large eyes blinking up at him like she was waiting for more to happen.

 

Cas brushed a small kiss to her forehead, and he said, “Don’t worry… We’re going to be okay. I won’t let any harm come to you. I promise.”

 

This wasn’t the end of the world, even if it felt like it. They’d make do. He was no stranger to tragedy, and neither was she, and he lived for her if for no one else. He’d find a way to make it by, no matter the cost.

 

Dean leaving was an opportunity, he told himself. He needed to be better for her. That was exactly what he was going to do.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

 

Cas’s first step to a better life ended up being quitting his office job. It was hard to find someone to take Sophie during the day that was willing to work for free, and Naomi had threatened to fire him if he’d brought her back, so he decided it was best just to cut ties while he had the chance. The grocery store where he was hired on a couple of days later was run by a nice woman named Jody who was a bit more forgiving if Cas had to bring Sophie with him on occasion. It didn’t pay nearly as much as the office job, so his second step was to find a small apartment to move into. Without Dean’s help with the rent, he couldn’t afford the house anymore. It wasn’t so bad—a lot of Sophie’s things had to be packed up again, but Cas didn’t have much for himself, and anything he didn’t have room for went up for sale. He actually made a small profit.

 

Step three was to sign up for classes at the local college. Cas was fully aware that he was burning his candle at both ends at this point, but if he ever wanted a better job in the future (and if he wanted to afford to send Sophie to a good school and get her everything she needed), then he needed a better education. The little old lady down the hall from him didn’t mind watching Sophie whenever he needed, so all in all, things were starting to come together in at least a haphazard kind of way.

 

The loans he’d taken out for school had set him back quite a bit, but all he had to do was tell himself that he’d get there someday.

 

Somehow.

 

He missed Dean, but it was a little easier to get by when he was too busy to focus on just how much.

 

He hadn’t seen Dean at all, of course, but he had seen Sam on campus once or twice. Their conversations were mostly awkward and a bit forced, but Cas would bet Dean would have been angry at Sam if he’d known how freely he’d assured Cas that his living situation with Lisa wasn’t going exactly swimmingly. Apparently Dean got along quite well with her son Ben, and certainly he was a big help around the house (apparently her pregnancy had shown some complications very quickly because she was already being asked to take it easy), but she and Dean definitely disagreed on certain important things. Sam had said that Dean trying to force a connection with someone he wasn’t in love with was the problem, but in the end that was all just Sam’s opinion. Cas didn’t comment on it. In fact, the only thing he’d said regarding Dean was congratulations when Sam explained that Dean had gotten a job as a mechanic and was making a heftier income because of it.

 

The weekend was a welcome relief. While he still had to work, he at least didn't have class in the evening, so he could spend more time with Sophie.

 

He had an early morning shift, and then he went home, fetching Sophie from down the hall, determined to spend the day together even though he was absolutely exhausted from his work load. Jody had shaken her head at him, complaining about his weight loss, telling him he would never survive if he kept up at the pace he was going, but he couldn't stop now unless he wanted to keep scraping by for the rest of his life.

 

"Where do you want to go, hmm?" Castiel asked Sophie. "Maybe go into town and see if we can't get you a new toy?" He tried to reward her when he could, and something small would be enough to please her. "What do you say?"

 

"Ba," she replied. Castiel smiled and kissed her cheek. He supposed a lot of people would find it a bit silly that her first word had been 'hi' rather than dada or something similar, but anything he heard from her sweet little voice was able to make that ache in his chest, however temporarily, lessen slightly.

 

He put her into her stroller and pushed her along towards town. It was warming up now, (thankfully, since he didn't want to put her in that hunk of junk car he used to go back and forth unless he had to) and though the sky was overcast, the weather report hadn't predicted rain.

 

Then again, he supposed he should have expected it, considering his luck.

 

He was just taking her out of the little toy shop with a new teething ring when the downpour came, and he found himself stranded.

 

Standing under the awning above the door to the shop, he supposed he might as well go back in and wait it out, but he didn’t know how long it would last. He didn’t really have anyone he could call to come pick him up either… maybe _Sam_ , but—

 

As if the thought of a Winchester had summoned him, on cue a black car came rolling down the street. Cas had managed to get away with not seeing Dean for the past couple of months, and yet here he suddenly was, pulling up to the curb before Cas could even make an escape back into the store to hide.

 

“Cas?” Dean said after rolling the window down. He seemed just as surprised to see him. “What are you doing out here?”

 

Before he could really answer, Dean just shook his head and waved a hand to summon him into the car. “Come on,” he said. “There’s no way I’m leaving you there like this.”

 

Seeing Dean's car, Castiel thought he must have been hallucinating. Seeing _Dean_ was an entire shock to the system. He had hoped that if and when he ever came across Dean again, his head would clear and his heart would heal and he would know he had moved on, but seeing him like this, so beautiful and so much the same Dean... it just made his heart crack open again.

 

He hadn't even said hello. Just told him to get in... and fuck, he was getting in. He didn't even think about it before he did.

 

As overwhelmed as Cas was by the whole thing, Sophie clearly was not. As soon as Castiel wrangled the stroller into the backseat and climbed into the front (keeping Sophie on his lap since he didn't have a car seat with him), she instantly squealed, reaching her hands out and announcing, "BEAN!"

 

Castiel's cheeks warmed. Maybe he had talked to her about Dean more than he should have. He hadn’t been able to help himself though… Despite how things had ended (or rather, never started), he didn’t want her to forget about Dean.

 

Dean’s face instantly broke into a smile. Cas had almost forgotten what it looked like. "Why hello there, Miss Soph." He reached over to run his fingers over her hair. "You've gotten a lot bigger than I remember."

 

“She gets bigger every time I look away,” Cas said, smiling softly down at her.

 

Sam had surely talked to Dean about seeing him. He certainly didn’t mind saying his opinion to Cas, so he was certain he’d given Dean every detail he had about Cas going to school. Dean clearly wanted to ask, but didn’t. It felt like they were strangers all over again.

 

There was one thing Sam definitely hadn’t mentioned though, if the way Dean was going was any indication.

 

“You’re… going the wrong way. I don’t live in the house anymore. I had to downsize to an apartment.”

 

Dean slammed down on the brakes so quickly he was surprised they didn't wind up hydroplaning. It was a damn good thing there weren't any cars behind them. He reached over, trying to soothe down Sophie's whines at the sudden stop as best he could with gentle rubs on her back.

 

"Oh." He frowned, clearly alarmed by the information, like all of it was somehow his fault. "Sorry, I..."

 

Castiel just looked away, hating the look in Dean's eyes, the sadness, the pity. "Just uh... take the first right. You'll be able to make it there if you go that way..."

 

He quietly gave Dean directions back towards his home, his new home, and he hoped Dean wouldn't judge so harshly about how small the place was. It hadn’t bothered him before, but now with the idea of Dean seeing it, he felt a little ashamed.

 

When Dean pulled into the parking lot, Castiel was tempted to get out and walk away, but it just didn't feel right, especially considering how squirmy Sophie was just trying to get to Dean.

 

"Do you... do you want some coffee, or something?" he offered. "The rain is getting worse so it might be better to wait for it to clear up..."

 

Dean never looked away from Cas’s gaze, but Cas could still see him debating whether or not it was a good idea. Eventually, he settled on, “Sure. I’d… I’d like that, actually.” His smile was small but genuine, as if there’d never been another answer even on the table.

 

Castiel's smile was decidedly more nervous, but he still let Dean carry Sophie up the three story walk up while he hauled the stroller. "It's an old building, so there's no elevator," Castiel explained. "It can feel like a mountain after a long day, but it's cheap."

 

He unlocked the door and let Dean inside. "Sorry, it's a little messy... I uh... I haven't had the time to tidy up." He stepped over one of Sophie's toys after putting the chain on the door and made his way into the kitchen, starting up the coffee maker. "Just make yourself at home. She'll probably want to be put down for a nap soon."

 

Cas hated that Dean saw his living space in such a state. It wasn’t nasty by any means, but there was still quite a lot of stuff crammed into a much smaller space. It was cluttered, and it certainly didn’t help that Cas hadn’t had the opportunity to really pick up after himself or Sophie, so it was messy too. Dean had once been the one to follow behind them both and make sure it didn’t get too out of control, but… well, that wasn’t his job now.

 

Dean didn’t act bothered though, settling Sophie into her playpen as she dozed. She’d been falling asleep in his arms since he’d taken her.

 

Castiel moved about the tiny kitchen, busying himself with his attempts to straighten up the area. There were so many take-out containers scattered about, pizza boxes, dirty coffee cups. He turned and noticed his school books still stacked on the table and snagged them up, shoving them into his backpack.

 

"I haven't exactly expected company, I'm sorry," he mumbled, searching the cabinets for a clean couple of mugs. He found two mismatched ones in the back and poured the coffee into them, preparing Dean's with the exact amount of sugar Dean liked. It had been two months, but it didn't even require thought to remember.

 

He sat down next to Dean on the sofa, handing him a cup. "So uh... how have you been?"

 

“I’m good,” Dean said, but it sounded like a knee-jerk response. He wondered if Dean knew how much Sam had already told him. “I uh… I heard you’re taking classes now.”

 

"Yeah, I... just some night classes. Figured it'd be easier to get a better job if I had a degree. Just general studies, so you know..." He shrugged, taking a drink of his coffee, looking at the tabletop.

 

"I'm... I'm doing good too," he said, though Dean hadn't asked. He felt like he needed to say it in the hopes that Dean would be convinced. The mess of an apartment, scattered fast food containers, and dark circles under his eyes were all proof enough that things had not been good at all. They'd been difficult and scary and lonely, and the only thing worse than facing Dean down was not having him there.

 

But he wanted Dean to believe he was happy. If Dean could believe it, maybe someday Cas could believe it too.

 

“That’s pretty awesome, Cas, seriously. I never went to college, didn’t have the grades… but yeah, you… it’s a brave thing. I’m proud of you.” Dean looked down into his coffee as he said it. Cas didn’t see what there was to be proud of.

 

"Thanks," he said. "It's... it's hard... There's a lot I don't remember... but I wanted to be better for Sophie's sake. I wanted... to be someone worth people's time. Someone she could look back on and not think was just a loser."

 

He wasn't doing it _just_ for her though and deep down he knew that. He knew that he wanted Dean to see him as something more than he had been, even if it didn't bring him back.

 

"I don't want to work at dead end jobs for the rest of my life. I want to be able to give her a good life... So I work during the day, I go to class at night, and when I get home I study. I spend as much time with her as I can. I do what I have to."

 

That had meant more than a few sleepless nights and a poor diet, but he was managing. Managing was all he'd ever done, so he had to be good enough at it now.

 

That was more than enough to cause Dean's head to snap up. "Wait, what? How can you… I don't… How could she ever think you're a loser? How could you think that? You were never a loser, Cas, not to me. You worked so hard, but so much of it was just for Sophie. I…" He cleared his throat, determined to get the words out. "My dad just _was_ his work. When she looks back she's not gonna see a loser. She's gonna see someone who loved her more than anything in the world. Sure, you might not be able to give her the world, but isn't that enough?"

 

He clamped his mouth shut. "Sorry," he said, "it wasn't my place to say any of that."

 

Cas shook his head, smiling bitterly. "You have just as much right to say it as I do... I appreciate it, I do, but... I'm still trying. I'm trying to be a better man, a better person. It's not easy for a guy like me to just stop hating himself. You spend your whole life trying to find something that will make you feel important, to uh-- to find someone who..."

 

He shook his head, letting that trail off. "I don't know what to tell you, Dean. I don't know what you expect from me at this point... Do I have regrets? Of course I do... but I'm dealing with it to the best of my ability. It's all I can do... I'll be good to Sophie... I'll make sure she gets the best that I can give her... because I want to, because she deserves it, and because she’s all I’ve got left."

 

Dean jerked back like Cas had actually lashed out at him, but he recovered quickly enough. Cas didn’t expect him to still feel quite so guilty. "You'll…" Dean forced the words out, despite how his tongue seemed determined to stick to the roof of his mouth. "You'll find someone who deserves you some day, Cas." He glanced over at Sophie in her playpen with one hand sprawled out across her teddy bear. "Someone that deserves both of you, actually."

 

“I don’t want anyone else.”

 

He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, and for a second he thought maybe he hadn’t, but Dean was staring at him in a way that assured him it was out. There was no taking it back now.

 

“I’m… sorry,” Cas mumbled, setting down his coffee. “Maybe it’d be better if you left.”

 

Then, Cas was developed into a warm embrace, and all he could do was sink into the solid frame and familiar scent of Dean’s body. Dean’s muscles were tense, though Cas didn’t think it was from this. He wondered just how difficult life back at home had been for him, if Dean had missed him as much as he’d missed Dean.

 

Before he could let those thoughts lead him further down a sad road, Cas pulled back from the hug. He couldn’t tear himself away completely though, not with Dean’s hands still settled on his hips.

 

He couldn’t let himself hope for more than this, he _couldn_ _’t_ … but the way Dean was staring at him (and the way he was surely staring back) made his heart crawl up into his throat. All he could do was whisper unsurely, “Dean…?” The moment was too fragile to speak louder.

 

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry all of this shit—everything…” Dean said, hands moving up to Cas’s face. Their foreheads pressed together, breath mingling between them, and Cas didn’t even know what to say.

 

“You… you don’t have to apologize for…” he started to say, but it was hard to act like Dean had _nothing_ to apologize for. Then again, maybe he didn’t. Cas wasn’t really sure how he felt about it anymore, only certain that he felt as strongly for Dean as he had before. “It’s all right, Dean…”

 

“No, it’s not, it’s not,” Dean was saying, and there was a slight tremor in his hands now. “Everything’s bad and it’s all my fault…”

 

“Dean,” Cas said again, but before he could get another word out, Dean’s mouth was pressing against his in a kiss. Castiel’s eyes widened slightly, but he didn’t push Dean away, instead returning it. His eyes fell closed as he moved closer to Dean, all but completely forgetting about Lisa for a moment. He’d promised himself before that he wouldn’t do this, that Dean wasn’t his to have, that Lisa didn’t deserve this. He knew for a fact that she didn’t, but maybe he just wasn’t as good of a person as he liked to think he was.

 

Maybe he just felt that he’d earned the right to be selfish for once.

 

That was a dangerous line of thinking, he knew, but it was leading him down the path all the same. Before he realized it, Dean was kissing down his neck, his mouth shockingly gentle despite the desperation of his hands. Cas had seated himself on Dean’s thigh and had begun to move against it out of instinct, but he managed to stop himself now. If only he’d managed to tell Dean they had to stop. Instead, all that came out was, “Not here.”

 

There was still a sleeping baby nearby, after all.

 

Dean swallowed, expression hesitant. Cas realized after a beat that he was waiting for permission.

 

“This way,” Cas said, voice hoarse and a little strained. He took Dean’s wrist and led him down the short hall to the tiny, overstuffed bedroom. He never even got to look at it because Dean was already kissing him again, climbing on top of Cas when they toppled together onto the mattress.

 

Dean stopped again, but this time it was only to ask, “Do you have uh… lube or something? We don’t have to do it like this. There are other ways to get off, but if you never uh…”

 

Cas wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Dean so flustered. He couldn’t help but wonder how many men he’d actually been with, though he doubted there was many. Dean’s hang ups about this weren’t only about Lisa.

 

He didn’t want to think of Lisa right now.

 

Castiel's hand fumbled through the drawer of his bedside table until he produced a bottle of lotion. He handed it to Dean, sighing contentedly as Dean started nibbling at his neck.

 

He was entirely too dressed for this, he thought, and Dean seemed to be thinking the same way because his shirt was being unbuttoned. He lifted his hips off the bed so his jeans could be pulled down along with his underwear, and he fumbled to get them off his ankles and off the bed. He sat up, letting their mouths connect in a slightly clumsy kiss as he yanked his shirt off and tossed it aside, and then he was sprawled naked on the bed.

 

He'd never been seen naked like this before, and he couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious. Living on delivery food and coffee and only eating when it was convenient (not often) probably didn't do his body any favors, and he could feel as well as see Dean taking him in.

 

He reached out his hands, skimming his fingers across Cas's sides before dipping his head down to let his mouth follow.

 

He could surely feel the slight hint of tension in Cas's frame, yet when he tipped his head up towards Cas all he did was smile. "You're gorgeous," he murmured. “Just relax as best you can, all right? I got you.”

 

Dean skated his fingers over Cas’s thighs, licking his lips before taking a little time to strip of his own clothes. Every movement Dean made was careful, as if he was trying to put Cas at ease. Whatever his intention, it was succeeding at that much at least.

 

Dean was as beautiful as expected when he was naked; freckles all along his shoulders, and just the slightest hint of a farmer’s tan. He was muscular, though not entirely lean. It was a body of a man that worked, rather than a man that worked out.

 

“Have you done this before?” Cas asked.

 

“From your angle, or mine?” Dean asked in response. “Because yeah. Either way, yeah. Just trust me, all right? I ain’t gonna hurt you.”

 

“I know,” Cas said softly as Dean climbed back on top of him.

 

Dean kissed him again chastely, then moved further down the bed so he could put his head between Cas’s legs, taking the tip of his cock into his mouth and giving it a tentative suck. He watched Cas as he did it, studying his reaction, and Cas couldn’t help but think that was hotter than the act itself… that was, right up until Dean took him deeper. After that, Cas couldn’t really think that much at all.

 

Dean blew him for a couple of minutes, alternating between deep, heavy sucking, and affectionate kisses and licks. Cas was beginning to reconsider Dean not having been with many men if only because he was so good at this. He got Cas as close to climax as he could before pulling off completely, whispering hushed words against his neck until he calmed down, and then he was slicking up his fingers, pressing one digit against Cas’s entrance. “I’m just gonna take it slow, all right? Just focus on relaxing.”

 

Cas did, letting his eyes fall closed as Dean slowly, slowly worked a finger inside up to the first knuckle. It was an odd sort of feeling, and the burn of it wasn’t entirely pleasant, but Dean was telling him to breathe and relax, telling him he was so good, and Cas couldn’t help but oblige. He waited until there was little to no resistance and then pressed a little deeper, crooking his finger just so until he found the spot he was searching for, causing Cas to cant his hips from the bed briefly.

 

“Amazing,” Dean murmured against his stomach. “You’re amazing.”

 

It would have been a laughable statement if it wasn’t so kind.

 

Dean was ever careful and vigilant as he continued to work Cas open, peppering his thighs with kisses, mumbling sweet nothings here and there, stopping whenever there was too much resistance and letting Cas ease into it before continuing. “It’s okay,” he kept saying. “I’ve got you, Cas. I’ve got you.”

 

Before long, Dean had stretched him open, but he still waited briefly to see if Cas would give him permission to go further. As if Cas would ever refuse him.

 

After climbing off the bed to snag his wallet out of his jeans and fetching a condom from inside of it, he lined up and pushed inside, taking the same slow, careful measures he had with his fingers. Cas couldn’t help but smile a little, despite the burn that followed Dean’s entrance. “Dean,” he said. “It’s all right. I’m not going to break.”

 

“Yeah, I—I know, but, I mean,” Dean stammered a little, expression beautifully boyish as he tried to explain. “It hurt a lot my first time, so…”

 

It actually pained Cas to know someone had handled Dean so poorly. Dean was far from a perfect person, that was something Cas had finally come to terms with, but it didn’t mean he didn’t deserve to be handled with care. Dean had faced far more than his share of hardships in his life. It was part of why he clung so heavily to his family, why he was so desperate to be a good dad. Despite his bravado and give-em-hell persona, Cas knew Dean just wanted to belong somewhere. It was something he could relate to.

 

Maybe this was where they had belonged the whole time.

 

He never wanted it to end. He wanted Dean like this and in every other way-- not just sexually, but romantically, but friendly, but familial. He wanted Dean in every aspect of his life and to never lose him again. Castiel's heart worked when Dean was around, and with him holding him this way, kissing and touching and whispering words into his skin, Castiel finally started to believe that maybe he really was worth this.

 

He supposed it wasn't really his fault when he found himself choking out, "Dean-- Dean... Oh, God, Dean... I love you so much..."

 

Dean’s rhythm briefly stuttered, but he didn’t pull away. In fact, he pressed in further, nearly bending Cas in half just to get close, and his voice wobbled, "How can you just… I don't deserve someone like you. You should be loved by someone so much better than me… but fuck, _fuck_ , I love you.”

 

All of the slowness and carefulness had been lost now, and he couldn't say he cared in the slightest. It hurt a little, but the pleasure far outweighed any pain. The pain was worth it for the happiness.

 

He started stroking himself, moaning unabashedly. "I love you, Dean. I love you, I love you."

 

He didn't care that this was temporary. He didn't care that Dean belonged to someone else. Just once in his life, he was going to let himself have this. He would regret it forever if he didn't.

 

Dean’s hand found Cas’s unoccupied hand, lacing their fingers together, and with a few more thrusts, he was letting out a groan as he came. Watching Dean come apart like that was enough to send Cas over the edge too, eyes squeezing shut in ecstasy. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to put what he was feeling in that moment into words, but it was _glorious_.

 

When it was over and Cas was spent, his legs carefully unwound from Dean's back and his arms fell to his sides. He was breathing raggedly, but he'd never felt so blissful in his life. His limbs felt boneless, but he still managed to grab a few tissues off of the bedside table and clean himself up while Dean disposed of the condom. As soon as he returned to bed though, Cas settled against his chest, exhaling peacefully.

 

Now probably would have been the right time to start freaking out, but neither of them seemed to have the strength. Dean’s hand lazily stroked Cas’s back, a sleepy smile on his face. Cas could do nothing but tilt his head back and kiss the bottom of Dean’s chin. He knew this moment couldn’t last forever, but he’d take advantage as long as he could.

 

“I missed you,” Cas admitted, since it was far from the deepest thing he’d admitted today.

 

Dean sniffed, hand coming up to pet Cas’s hair. “Me too,” he said softly. “You and Sophie not being in my life, I just… I felt like… it… it didn’t feel right without you there.”

 

Cas wanted to tell him to just stay here from now on, but he couldn’t do that. He wouldn’t let himself.

 

The most he could offer was, “You can come back here anytime, Dean. For you, the door’s always open.”

 

Despite what Dean surely should have said, the only response Cas got from that was, “Okay.”

 

He couldn’t have been happier.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

 

When Cas awoke, he was alone in bed, but he could hear shuffling around and baby laughter in the apartment. Crawling out of bed, he slid into a pair of boxer shorts and a t-shirt, noting that Dean must have cleaned him up at some point after he fell asleep.

 

He found Dean with Sophie, entertaining her with a puppet show of her stuffed animals. Dean wasn’t very good at character voices (something Cas had begun to perfect in his time with her), but she still appeared to be absolutely delighted. Maybe she’d just missed her ‘Bean’ too much to care. Cas could certainly sympathize.

 

“Ba-ba,” she cooed when she saw Cas, teeny hands reaching out for him.

 

Cas smiled lifting her off of her play mat and into his arms. “Are you hungry?” he asked her, though the question was directed at Dean too. He didn’t have much to offer, embarrassingly, since most of the pantry was reserved for Sophie, but surely he could order something in like he usually did. He settled Sophie into her high chair and dug through the cabinet until he found a couple of jars of food. “Which one?” he asked. “Nana or peaches?”

 

“Na-nas,” she demanded, smacking her hands on the tray.

 

“Well, one thing hasn’t changed, huh,” Dean said as he sauntered over, still looking slept-in and wearing Castiel’s robe to boot. “Still loves the bananas… but Jesus, she can say so much now. She even has teeth.”

 

"Trust me, I know all about the teeth," Castiel laughed, handing Dean the jar and the spoon since he seemed to want to be involved. "She's kept me up many a night crying because her mouth hurts. Poor thing. I thought it was kind of early for her to be getting teeth but I mean, she's almost eight months old. Plus, I read online that some babies get their teeth early. I think rarely they're even born with teeth."

 

"Bean," Sophie said, smacking her hands on the tray again, smiling at Dean.

 

"She can say a few words, but a lot of the time it's just copying what you say," Castiel said. "She's smart though. I read to her every night, and I think that helps. She also really likes music."

 

“Music, huh?” Dean said, smile softening a little as he spooned a bite of food into her mouth. “I guess I ought to sing her ‘Hey Jude’ sometime. That’s what my mom always used to sing to me.”

 

"She doesn't like when I sing to her," Castiel admitted as he pulled his schoolwork out to do some studying. "I'm not a very good singer though."

 

Sophie opened her mouth expectantly for another bite.

 

Castiel thought it was weird to be telling Dean any of this. Dean had been in her life a lot longer than he'd been out of it, so it seemed silly to even inform him of her developments. He supposed he couldn't really help but talk about her, talk about what Dean had missed out on as if to put him in those moments, wanting him to be there.

 

Dean chuckled. “Well, I won’t rule you out until I actually hear you sing, but for the record, I’m not too good at it either. I have authority on that too. Ask Sam about karaoke.”

 

Cas smiled, digging out a text book so he could at least get something done. The room lapsed into quiet for a moment or two before Dean spoke up again. “This is nice, you know? Feels like home.”

 

"I do what I can," he said shyly, promptly keeping his eyes on his book instead of looking at Dean. It seemed silly to be sheepish with a man he'd since slept with and proclaimed love to (oh, shit, he had proclaimed love to Dean during the heat of the moment, oops), but he felt that way anyway.

 

"It's little, but the two of us fit in here fairly well. I do hope one day I'll be able to get a place that's a bit nicer... Maybe a house I can own instead of rent. Something with a yard for her to play in so we don't have to drive in my car to the park all the time. I don't like putting her in that car. It doesn't feel safe."

 

“You’ll get there,” Dean said, and he was certainly more sure of that than Cas was.

 

"Thanks, Dean," Castiel said, smile warming. "It really does mean a lot... but I don't know how far I'll really get. If I go for a Bachelor’s at school then I probably won't have that degree until I'm forty. I figure I'll just get my Associate's degree so I won't be so... old... when I'm back on the job market."

 

He turned another page in his book, humming softly in frustration. "I'm not very good at being a student, honestly. My grades are okay, but I don't know... I guess I just don't pick up on things as quickly as I should now. The curriculum is more geared towards young people."

 

Dean's brow furrowed. "But you're trying." Sophie squeaked, little brow furrowed until Dean remembered to spoon more food out for her. "I never really thought about going to school. It's better for people like you and Sam to take advantage of it. You're both going to make something of yourselves, I know it."

 

He got up to fetch a washcloth to wipe off Sophie's face once the jar of food turned empty. He chuckled as Sophie hoisted her arms up in the air, wiggling her little body pointedly. He bent down to scoop her up, seemingly awed at how easily she settled her head down on his shoulder.

 

"I thought she'd just forget me," he admitted. "I thought you both would just…" He coughed awkwardly, trying to laugh it off. "Sorry, Sam's gotta be rubbing off on me."

 

"I could never forget about you, Dean," Castiel said, feeling heat creeping up into his face. "Of course, uh... you probably know that now..."

 

He looked down at the tabletop, embarrassed. "Listen, ah... about what I said earlier... I meant what I said, but just... if it's inconvenient for you, we can just pretend I didn't say it. I understand that it probably complicates things, so..."

 

He looked back up at Dean, realizing he'd moved closer to him and was watching him. "I can never say I didn't mean it."

 

Dean was quiet for a moment, and then he was lowering his head, reminding softly, “You don’t remember, do you? I said it too… so if there’s anyone here complicating things, it’s me.”

 

Castiel swallowed around the unpleasant lump forming in his throat. “I didn’t know… if you meant it,” he admitted. “I thought it was just in the heat of the moment…”

 

A soft, almost sad noise escaped from Dean as he leaned over to press a kiss to the top of Sophie’s head, lips hitting far more curls than he must have remembered. “I mean it.” He reached over to squeeze Cas’s hand. “I love Sophie and I love _you_.” The corners of his mouth twisted ruefully. “It wouldn’t have been such hell to leave you guys otherwise.”

 

Castiel kissed Dean, a gentle press of lips against Dean’s mouth. He pulled away after just a moment, and he smiled, easy and soft and warm. “I love you,” he said because he could. “I love both of you.”

 

Sophie beamed up at them both, planting a slobbery kiss on Dean’s chin, seeming to want to get in on all the action. Her kisses were much closer to being kisses than they had used to be at least.

 

Cas returned to studying, finding that everything just came easier all of a sudden. He supposed it had a lot to do with that weight being lifted off of his shoulders, the stress easing out of system. He had Dean back in his home, and now he could focus on what he needed to do without worrying about everything else, without worrying about Sophie.

 

It was only when a hand landed gently on his shoulder that he looked up and realized it was dinnertime. “I guess I should call for a pizza or something?” he offered.

 

…though he supposed Dean would have to go home soon. Back to his family.

 

“Sure.” It was all a game of make-believe, that must have been clear to them both, but it didn’t seem as though Dean were willing to give it up anymore than Cas was. “Lisa is spending time with Ben tonight, made it sound like they were going out to dinner.” He patted Sophie on the back as she wiggled her way up his shoulder. “Do you have any actual food items here, though? I could try to make you some actual dinner for tonight…just like old times.”

 

"Umm," Castiel said sheepishly as Dean started perusing his cabinets. "Not... exactly..."

 

He imagined he'd probably get scolded for his failure of a diet these last weeks. It was definitely the kind of diet that put a man in the ground early, but he really didn't eat that much if he didn't have someone around to remind him to eat. He was always so focused on getting things done.

 

"We could go up to the store, maybe," Castiel said, blushing a bit in embarrassment.

 

Dean tugged his head out of the cabinets, looking about as sheepish as Cas felt. “Nah, it’s fine,” he said. “It’d be pretty rude of me to drag you out again after you’d just gotten to kick your feet up.” His fingers slid through Cas’s hair, ruffling it before just resting there. “We can always make the pizza guy hike up all those steps instead.”

 

Castiel leaned into Dean's hand, sighing peacefully. It was like he'd been touched starved for far too long, as pathetic as that was. From the soft look on Dean’s face, though, he supposed he wasn’t the only person who was. "I just didn't know if you'd want pizza or... or Chinese or... I mean, I've got all the delivery menus in town, I assure you."

 

He blinked, realizing that he had relaxed to the point that he might have almost fallen asleep sitting up. He sat up a bit straighter, clearing his throat, and started shuffling through his delivery menus. He could feel Dean at his back though, and he sort of just wanted to lean into him.

 

"I must look like a bit of a mess," he admitted after a moment. "Earlier I uh... just... you know, no one's really ever seen me naked like that, and... I haven't kept up the best diet..."

 

Dean was already shaking his head. “You look fine to me.” He wrapped an arm around Cas’s waist, pulling him back. “You just get so wrapped up in taking care of everyone else that you need someone around to make sure you get looked after too.” He chuckled. “Which is a position I freely volunteer for.”

 

Castiel tilted his head back against Dean's shoulder, tempted to just let Dean hold him up for a few minutes, one hand coming up to touch the side of Dean's neck. He thought he could really like having someone take care of him since he was so bad at doing it on his own, and he was fairly certain he didn't want anyone but Dean doing it too.

 

He turned his head to press a kiss to the hinge of his jaw, feeling Dean's hand slide over his stomach through his t-shirt, and for a moment he thought it might start to get heated again until he remembered Sophie was watching them.

 

He cleared his throat, blushing, and said, "So, what would you rather have to eat? I eat this stuff all the time, so it doesn't really matter to me."

 

“Pizza’s fine, promise,” Dean said. “And next time I’ll bring real people food with me. That way both of you can get a bit of a treat.”

 

Castiel's heart wanted to sing with the promise of next time, no matter how inappropriate what they were doing was. He couldn't regret it or lament it because he loved Dean too much to let him go. He knew it was selfish; he just didn't give a damn.

 

Castiel snagged the delivery flyer off of the table and tugged his cell phone out of his pocket, dialing and ordering a meat lover's, just like Dean liked. He would do whatever it took to make Dean happy because Dean made him happy, made all of this worth it. He knew it wasn't much, but it seemed like enough. For now, at least.

 

Dean spent the time waiting for the food to arrive making up for lost time with Sophie, seemingly delighted in how much assured she had become with crawling. Cas, who had had to spend a panic-filled weekend baby proofing everything on sight, was a little less enthralled with it, but watching the two of them being so obviously happy with each other left a near permanent smile on his face.

 

By the time the pizza arrived, Sophie was shrieking with delight as Dean spun her through the air. She settled down into her playpen easily enough, however, if only after she was assured that she had gotten the necessary amount of kisses from both Dean and Cas.

 

Castiel studied while he ate, but it was hard to focus on the book with Dean sitting there next to him. He had missed this more than he could even say, in a way he really couldn't describe. Dean's presence brought a warmth to the apartment that had never existed when he moved in.

 

He knew he had to leave when this was all over... but he could bask in it for now.

 

Castiel ate until he was full and then found himself just enjoying the sound of Dean's voice as he talked. It was quite possibly his second favorite sound in the world, only seconded in comparison to Sophie's laugh.

 

He didn’t realize how much time had passed until Dean’s voice began to lapse and Castiel lifted his head up to find Dean watching Sophie down for the count across her teddy bear.

 

“I…” Dean cleared his throat, determined not to catch Cas’s eye all of a sudden. “I should probably head out.”

 

Castiel felt his smile fall from his face almost immediately, but he tried not to look too disappointed.

 

"I guess so," he said, getting up from the table. "People will start to worry about you if you're out too late, I suppose."

 

As he walked Dean to the door, he found himself pausing, not sure what to do or say. He surely couldn't say that he didn't want Dean to go, even though he was sure it was obvious. He took Dean gently by the shoulders, figuring it was best just to leave it with this. He kissed him long, languid, gentle.

 

He wasn't entirely sure when Dean’s hands had settled on his face, but they were there when the kiss broke and he used it to tug Castiel into another one.

 

"I love you," Dean said, lips moving over Cas's. "I do, alright? And that means I'll come back when I can."

 

"Just call first," Castiel said, smiling into the kiss. "I'll leave a key under the mat for you in case I'm at school or at work. I can get you a key made if you want."

 

He let his hands settle on Dean's chest, sadness welling up in his chest over the fact that Dean was leaving. He found, however, that it wasn't nearly so empty this time, knowing Dean would come back. He had Dean back, even if it wasn't entirely, and he could live with that.

 

"I love you too," he said, kissing Dean again, wanting it to last forever.

 

“I’ll see you then,” Dean said, smiling just as brightly.

 

And somehow, even with the odds stacked against them, those words sounded like something Castiel could believe in.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

The next week passed in a bit of a daze with Castiel feeling more invigorated than he had in months. It was a change that was apparently far more noticeable than he realized too.

 

"What's happened with you?" Jody asked, raising her eyebrows when he came through the door. “You’ve got one serious little Suzie Sunshine vibe going.”

 

Castiel blushed. "Uh. Just had a good weekend I guess."

 

The arch to Jody’s eyebrows as she turned back to restocking suggested that his claim didn’t hold as much ground as he wanted it too, but at least she didn’t probe further. No doubt she was just happy to see him smiling at last.

 

Which was a state that would have lasted a lot longer if Dean hadn’t chosen that moment to walk into the grocery with Ben at his heels.

 

It had to be Ben, since Dean didn't exactly hang out with random children. Cas couldn't help but instantly feel uncomfortable. After all, this was Lisa's son. Dean was practically his dad.

 

…and Castiel was fucking him behind Lisa's back. Except that wasn’t the only reason for the sinking feeling in his stomach, not really.

 

Dean looked and acted like Ben's father, and Ben looked and acted like Dean's son. They were a family and they were happy, and Castiel began to realize he was coming between that. Sure, Lisa and Ben had no idea, but if they found out then it would crush them both.

 

For the first time since this had started, he was starting to feel guilty.

 

It was all made even worse by the fact that Ben seemed determined to drag Dean over to the lane Castiel was working on. At least Dean looked just as awkward over the predicament.

 

"Hey, Cas," he said, "sorry for popping in but—”

 

"Dude, you don't have to apologize." Ben popped his head out from around Dean. "You're Cas, right?" He grinned. "Dean talks about you all the time."

 

Castiel forced a smile, hoping he didn't look nauseous. "Does he? Well, you must be Ben. He talks about you all the time too." He reached over the register to shake Ben's outstretched hand. "Nice to meet you finally," he added, head spinning a little with thoughts like _I fucked your dad last night. Sorry for intruding on your lives._

 

"He is right though, Dean," Castiel said as he started checking them out, doing his best not to really look at either of them while he did so. "No need to apologize to me for giving me something to do at my job. I was just a little surprised to see you.”

 

“Yeah, right?” Dean said. “Of all the grocery stores out there…” He was paying more attention to sorting out his payment than actually looking at Castiel, which made Cas feel another flare of guilt. At the same time, though, it would have been easier to at least have Dean _look_ at him; to acknowledge that this was uncomfortable for them both and Cas wasn’t standing alone.

 

Castiel just offered a thin-lipped smile and a nod before bagging up the groceries and helping put them into Dean's basket. It looked like he was making a meal for the family, some kind of pasta maybe, or perhaps he was planning on using that ground beef to make burgers. A real family dinner.

 

It was hard not to feel like a side project when Dean's current family was staring him in the face like this, but he couldn't say anything about it here. Hell, he couldn't say anything about it ever because being Dean's second choice was better than not even being an option. He just loved him too much to let him go.

 

He watched Dean swipe his credit card for the purchase, and he nodded again. "You guys have a good night."

 

“You too.” After being exposed to so many of Dean’s real smiles the one that the man offered up now just felt hollow. Even as he tacked on in a rush of words, “I’ll see you soon then.”

 

\--

 

Work kept Castiel distracted, but when he got home there was no keeping the weight of his guilt at bay. He'd had to go to class after work and he wasn't sure he'd retained any of it that evening while his thoughts continuously whirred through his brain.

 

What was he doing?

 

Just because he'd never had a family, not really, he was going about sabotaging a happy one, playing 'no, mine' with Dean's heart. It was so childish and selfish, and he hated himself for it, but at the same time he couldn't even get up the gall to think about ending this affair. He was absolutely disgusted with himself.

 

It was almost midnight, so Sophie had been put to sleep a long time ago. He dismissed the old woman from down the hall when he came in, apologizing for being so late, and proceeded to snag a beer out of the fridge and just sit down at the table with his head in his hands.

 

What was he going to do now? Just live with the guilt until it inevitably got out that they were sleeping together? He knew one of them would have to slip up eventually just because of human error, but...

 

He pulled out his textbook and tried to study, but all he was really managing was drinking the rest of the beers in the fridge until he was more than a little tipsy.

 

It was, of course, only after he had managed to down a truly staggering amount of alcohol that his phone went off, sending him staggering towards it, stubbing his toe on a few of Sophie’s toys along the way.

 

He didn't even take the opportunity to really look at the Caller I.D. (though it wasn't like many people called him anyway, save for the occasional ring from Gabriel or Jody when there was a shift change). He mostly got text messages when it was kids from his class, but he was too drunk to even think it might be Dean, despite the fact that it was a little past one-thirty in the morning.

 

"H'lo?" he slurred a little.

 

“Cas, it’s...” And of course it would be Dean, voice shifting from anxious to incredulous all at once. “Dude, are you _drunk_?”

 

Castiel snorted, looking at the mostly empty bottle in his hand before shrugging a shoulder and saying, "A li'l bit. What're you gonna do about it?"

 

He took another swig of the bottle, stumbled a bit, shoulder hitting the wall with a small thud. "So what anyway huh? What, a guy can't drink? I can drink if I wanna. So what?"

 

“I… That’s not what I’m sayin’. I’ve had my fair share in my time, man.” None of that did anything to erase the judgment underlying Dean’s words, though. "Just… Wasn't expecting it, you know? Never saw you get drunk before."

 

"You haven't seen me do a lot of things," Castiel replied, taking another swig of the bottle, finding it was his last swallow.

 

He fell quiet for a moment, sliding down the wall since the room was starting to tilt. He sat on the floor, legs spread out in front of him, and he sighed. "It's not fair, y'know...?" he said. He never would have said a damned word of it sober, but he couldn't stop himself right now. "T'see you guys together an' it's all nice and good. The whole family thing... I always wanted that, y'know? Ever since I was a li'l kid, it was like... the thing. That I wanted. But I never got it, not really... I mean, I like to pretend what this thing, this thing that we do, that that's a thing... that it's a family... but it's not. You still go home t'her. I still sit here, drunk n' alone on the floor an' missing you. Sucks, man."

 

“Cas…” Dean’s voice drifted away, leaving Cas to lean back against the wall and wait for it to return. He had almost started to drift off when the phone crackled at his ear again. "Cas, I'm so sorry." And didn’t those words sound pointless by now? "Why don't you hate me? I don't know why you don't."

 

"That's the thing," Castiel said, swilling his bottle around. "See... I can't. I can't hate you because I love you too much. I love you too much so I can't let you go... I'm really selfish, you know? I just... I get something, and I... hold onto it with both hands. Even if it's not mine. That's a really selfish thing t'do."

 

He sighed, letting the bottle thunk against the floor and roll away. "You got everything you could ever want where you're at... and they love you a lot. You deserve something normal and nice like that. I just wish I knew how to let you have it an' not be worrying about me all the time... but I know if I tell you t'end it with me then I'll just be mis'rble. I'm really pathetic like that... Maybe you should just stop showin' up... then I can at least hold out hope that maybe you'll come back."

 

"I'll do whatever it is you want, Cas, alright?" It was almost strange to hear Dean being so uncertain. It was so commonly the other way around when it came to the two of them. "If you think staying away will help…then that's what I'll do."

 

Castiel did laugh then, finding it wheezing out of him as the back of his head thumped against the wall. He rubbed his hand over his face, sniffed.

 

"What I want and what's best for everyone are two different things, Dean... but... you need t'stop thinkin' about what's best for me. You gotta do what's best for you, Dean. S'your life, you know? I gotta do it too... I jus' gotta figure out what it is that's best for me. I guess."

 

"Just… We'll figure it out. Probably when we're both sober and not running on fumes…"

 

Castiel laughed again, a bit bitter. "Dunno if there's anything to figure out, Dean... Seems kinda cut and dry really... but maybe you're right b'cause I am so drunk right now..."

 

Castiel hung up the phone, tossing it aside, and he laid down on the floor because he wasn't quite sure he could get up on his own. He fell asleep like that.

 

And woke up in the morning with all his bluster gone and a massive hangover aggravated by the squalls coming from Sophie in the crib down the hall.

 

He got up, grunting, body aching from sleeping on the floor, and went to her first regardless of the pounding headache. "Shh, shh," he said, lifting her into his arms and bouncing her a little, trying to get her to calm down. "Daddy's here. Daddy's here."

 

He changed her diaper which helped tremendously, but she obviously still wanted breakfast too. He carried her into the kitchen, stepping around the mess he'd made the night before. He wasn't sure what time it was or if he was late for work or not, but he still needed to tend to Sophie. He’d worry about the rest later.

 

God, what had he said last night? He could remember pieces of it, and he knew it wasn't good. He knew he should probably call Dean, but he wasn't sure he had the guts.

 

After breakfast, Castiel went to drop Sophie off with the woman at the end of the hall only to find her coming out the door as he approached. "Oh! Oh, Castiel," she said, looking a bit distressed. "I'm so sorry. I'm leaving. My daughter's in labor and I've got to catch a flight. I'm so sorry, honey, I tried to call you but you wouldn't answer."

 

"It's... it's all right," he said, figuring it was just his luck. "Congratulations. Give your daughter my best."

 

She kissed his cheek and hurried off, and Castiel went back to the apartment. "Looks like you're coming to work with Daddy today."

 

At least his headache was subsiding thanks to the over the counter meds he'd taken. He didn't think he'd be able to last the day hungover.

 

...He still wasn't sure how he was going to manage the day knowing what he'd said.

 

At least Sophie was easy, snoozing when he buckled her into car seat in the back of the car, testing the straps to make sure everything was secure. She was still full from breakfast, happy simply to be somewhere familiar with a pacifier to suck away on.

 

If only things could be so easily fixed for all of them.

 

He really didn't want to take her in to work with him, knowing she'd be bored, but he didn't really have a choice. He just wanted to get this day over with.

 

It took a few tries to get the car started, but he finally got it going and headed off down the street. He was running late, but he didn't rush, knowing better than that with Sophie in the car with him. He pulled to a stop at a red light, glanced back at Sophie in the rearview mirror, waited for the light to turn green before pulling out into the intersection--

 

…and was promptly slammed into by a car trying to beat the light.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen**

 

The first thing Castiel became aware of was that he was in a hell of a lot of pain. He was sure sleeping on the floor shouldn't hurt that much, should it?

 

Then he realized he was having trouble getting his eyes open, like they were nearly swollen shut, and he definitely knew that wasn't something he'd done while sleeping. His hand twitched as he started to lift it only to realize someone was holding it, their hand comfortably warm compared to his own cold fingers.

 

He tried to turn and look at the person, but that only made him realize his head wouldn’t turn. Even through the fog in his head, he knew that something was very, very wrong.

 

With nothing else he could do, he squeezed the hand in his and stammered out, "Sophie-- where's... where's Sophie? Is she okay? What happened?"

 

“Cas…”

 

Dean’s voice. He’d know it anywhere.

 

“Cas, Sophie’s okay. I promise. She’s just got a few scratches but she’s going to be fine. Lisa’s looking after her right now, but she’s all in one piece. She avoided most of the impact somehow.”

 

“Impact?” Cas asked, confused. His hand was starting to shake in Dean’s.

 

“You were in an accident, Cas. Your car got hit at an intersection.”

 

Castiel looked up at him, at Dean, Dean who was here next to him and looking afraid and tired and worried... and he felt a knot forming in his throat as his eyes welled with tears, his panic still surging through his chest. "I don't... I don't remember..." he said, voice wobbling. "I don't remember, I was-- I remember drinking a-and falling asleep on the floor. I don't... anything after that I don't remember. D-Dean--"

 

He felt like his heart was going to explode out of his chest, but then Dean's hand carefully carded through his hair and his panic slowly started to subside, a few tears snaking out the corners of his bruised eyes. "Oh, God..." he whimpered, mouth curving into a hard frown as he tried not to sob."She was in the car with me... She must have been so scared... She almost... the same way that she lost her mom..."

 

Dean’s hand momentarily trembled, as if he’d only just realized the same conclusion, but then it was stroking Cas’s hair again in gentle, calming motions. “She’s all right, Cas, I promise. They didn’t want me to keep her here the whole night, but I’ll bring her back up here to see you when you’re a little more up to it.”

 

Cas sort of wanted to just beg Dean to bring her now, but that would require having Dean leave his side, and he wasn’t sure he could handle that right now.

 

“I’m so sorry, Cas,” Dean then said, catching him by surprise. “I should’ve been there…”

 

Castiel took a few moments just to get some breaths, gathering up his composure as best as he could given the circumstances. "If you had been there you just would've been hurt too," he said. "You can't... You can't control what other people do. You don't... you don't have to apologize."

 

He leaned against Dean's hand (though it wasn't easy since he couldn't turn his head. "So..." he said, swallowing. "How bad was the damage? I don't... I don't know if I can pay for all of this."

 

He knew it was stupid to be thinking of money right now, but he couldn't help himself. He had finally started to accrue a tiny amount of savings, but it wasn't nearly enough for all of this.

 

...but he couldn't let Dean pay for all of this now either, especially since his money was going towards his new son or daughter on the way. It took a hell of a lot of pride, but Castiel had already lost most of that at this point.

 

"I need... I need you to call Gabriel. I need to talk to him..."

 

“He already knows. They called him first because he’s on your list of emergency contacts. He uh… he told them to call me too since I was closer. That’s how I found out.”

 

Castiel blinked slowly, a sort of response in place of a nod. "Dean... God, I... I'm so sorry... about all of the stuff I said last night. I was drunk, and I don't... I don't really remember all of it, but I know I said some things..."

 

He knew it was stupid to say it now. Now was really not the time to bother, but it came out all the same.

 

Dean was quiet for a moment, mulling over the best way to word his response."You don't have to apologize for that," he eventually said. "You were just being honest, and hell, you were _right_ and it's not as though I didn't have it coming." He shook his head before Cas could even try to refute that. "I'm not sure what I should do, Cas, I still have to think things over, but I do know one thing—you deserve more than being the other option." He sighed, head feeling like it was starting to ache. "You and Lisa both deserve better, honestly. I’m kind of king of asshole mountain right now, and trust me, she’s already reamed me for it too.”

 

“You’re… fighting because of me.”

 

“No,” Dean assured, placid, almost resigned. “We’ve been fighting a lot, honestly, and it’s really all on me. I’ve always been a guy that knows what he wants but… I never know what to do with it when I get it. That’s how I fucked things up with you, and… now I’ve fucked things up with Lisa and Ben too. Maybe it’s because I did go after what I wanted, but I went after it for the wrong reasons… I don’t know… but it doesn’t matter anymore. I need to get my shit together, one way or another.”

 

Before anything else could be said, a doctor came into the room an introduced himself(though Cas for the life of him couldn’t remember his name after he’d said it). He shined a light in his eyes and asked him simple questions, like what his name was and how old he was. He seemed happy that Castiel knew, so maybe that meant he didn't have any bad brain damage.

 

Silver lining, he guessed.

 

All he knew was that he really just wanted to see Sophie and to sleep… and maybe have a glass of water. His mouth tasted like blood.

 

\--

 

He didn't know what happened, but next thing he knew he was waking. The room was dimly lit and quiet, the only sounds being that of the machines he was hooked up to and the soft breathing of Dean who appeared to have fallen asleep in the chair at his bedside.

 

He wanted to get up, to go get Sophie... to go to the bathroom.

 

He reached out a hand, tugging on Dean's sleeve, trying to wake him, then thought that maybe he shouldn't have. He looked so tired, so strained.

 

His brow creased all the same, and then his eyes were blinking open, a mumble of, “What’s goin’ on?” on his lips.

 

"I'm sorry," Castiel croaked. His mouth felt bone dry so it was a miracle any sound came out at all. "I started to wake you and then I realized I shouldn't..."

 

He didn't let go of Dean's sleeve though, fingers curled weakly into the fabric. He could barely see Dean's face in the dim light of the room, the lamp behind him draping most of it in shadow, but he still looked a tad distressed. Castiel sighed softly and said, "You should go home. Sleep in a bed. There's no reason for both of us to be uncomfortable."

 

“I’m not goin’ anywhere,” Dean replied stubbornly.

 

"Dean..." Castiel said softly, expression as soft as he could manage with the bruising. "What could possibly happen to me here? I can't... I can't even get up on my own. I don't know if I'm even allowed to because I'm attached to these machines. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do about the whole bathroom situation... I can't get hurt much worse than I already am. You don't have to look after me. You don't have to torture yourself. This isn't your fault."

 

He wanted to cough to clear some of the crud out of his dry throat, but he was afraid that if he did it would hurt. He could tell by the bandages on his chest that he had broken some ribs.

 

"Dean... go home. Be with your family. I'll still be here in the morning. You don't have to worry about me."

 

“I uh… I don’t really know if I have a family to go back to right now.”

 

Cas waited for an explanation as to what that meant, but Dean just shook his head. “All right. You win. I’ll go, but I’m coming back first thing in the morning. I could bring Sophie with me, but… I’m not real sure how she’ll react to… all of this.”

 

Castiel would have nodded, but he couldn't. His heart ached, and for a moment he thought he might cry again, but he kept himself under control. "I understand," he said, voice growing to nothing more than a rasp. "Just... maybe bring me a picture, or... or something. Just so I can see for myself that she's all right. It's not that I don't believe you, I just... I need to see her."

 

He hoped Dean would understand. Castiel was her father, and she'd been with him, and if she was hurt worse than they were saying to spare his feelings, he knew he couldn't deal with that. He just needed confirmation that she was safe and okay.

 

Dean opened his mouth then closed it. In the end, he wound up dipping down, brushing his lips over Cas's forehead instead of trying to use his words right away. "She's fine, Cas," he said. "I wouldn't have let her out of my sight otherwise. I'll bring her by for a quick visit, alright? God knows she's probably not gonna settle down either until she gets to see you." He snorted almost fondly. "Two peas in a damn pod is what you two are."

 

Castiel smiled weakly, but then he actually did cough and it was entirely against his control. It helped the scratchiness in his throat some, but it jostled his ribs and neck, causing him to whimper afterward, hand gripping the sheets tightly as he waited for the pain to subside.

 

"I'm okay, I'm okay," he tried to say as he felt Dean hovering about. His eyes were squeezed shut in pain, but he knew Dean was already rethinking leaving. "I'm ok--"

 

He was cut off when he felt something press up against his mouth. At first he didn't know what it was, but when he opened his eyes he realized it was a straw inside a glass of water. Relief flooded through him, and all he could do was suck it down until he was sated.

 

When he was finished he looked up at Dean and said, much more clearly, "Thank you, Dean..."

 

“You’re really not selling your case here about being left here alone,” Dean said, voice fonder than likely intended. “I’ll leave you to the mercy of the nurses if that’s what you want, but you better make sure you’re still in one piece when I get back.”

 

"If I'm not already broken in pieces then I don't think I'll be breaking any further," Castiel assured him, touching his wrist since it was about the extent of what he could do. "Tell Lisa I'm sorry for the trouble... and if you know what they did with my keys, give them to her so she can go and get some of Sophie's things. She doesn't sleep well without her bear."

 

"I'll see you tomorrow, Cas," Dean said.

 

Castiel’s eyes were closed before Dean was even out of the room.

 

\--

 

When he woke up again, it was to find someone else occupying the chair next to his bed.

 

"How you feeling?" Gabriel asked, his smile softer, sadder than usual.

 

"Gabe," Castiel said, trying to smile back. "You didn't have to come all this way."

 

"Of course I did," Gabriel said. "Someone's gotta look out for you, and you're my little brother."

 

"Listen, I... I don't want to trouble you, but... if I could borrow... if I could borrow some money..."

 

"Cas, you don't have to borrow shit. I'm going to take care of it so don't stress about it. You just worry about getting better, okay? And you can take me out to a strip club or something when you're healed. Then we'll be even."

 

Even with his head clouded by the mix of painkillers floating around in his system, Castiel still had a very decided explanation for why that was never going to happen. He barely managed to get out more then Gabriel’s name, however, what with the commotion that started to gather up towards the other end of the hall.

 

“What the…” Gabriel leaned back to see what was going on, only to have to hop to the side when Dean almost skidded into the room, a very flustered nurse at his heels.

 

But Castiel only had eyes for Sophie, who was strapped to Dean’s chest in a sling and who began bouncing as soon as she realized just who was awaiting her in the hospital bed, both of her little arms flailing out as if to propel herself closer.

 

Castiel wanted desperately to reach out and grab her and hold her and never let her go, but he couldn't do that in the state he was in, so he settled for letting Dean bring her close to the bed so he could touch her hair, see her face.

 

"She's got scratches," he said. "And bruises... I'm so sorry, sweetheart... I'm so sorry you got hurt."

 

"Baa," she cooed, reaching her little hands out to wrap around Castiel's finger.

 

Gabriel looked up at Dean, raising an eyebrow at his slightly out of breath appearance and the nurse who was shuffling down the hall, shaking her head. "You're not technically supposed to be back here, are you?" he snorted, then added more genuinely, "You're a good friend."

 

Castiel wondered if the color in Dean’s cheeks was only due to exertion at this point, although that might simply have been wishful thinking. "Well I didn't plan on letting authority stop me from being that." Dean looked down at Sophie. "One more thing I'm gonna have to teach you."

 

"Oh God, no." Gabe clutched a hand to his heart in an exaggerated motion. "I've already been scared out of my wits enough these past few days."

 

Sophie started to whine when Dean wouldn't let her get any closer to her dad, wriggling in his arms as she tried to get free. When Dean pulled her away to get her to behave, she immediately started to cry.

 

"Dean, just..." Castiel said, voice barely heard over her sobbing. "Just lay her here next to me."

 

He could tell Dean didn't feel too confident in that plan, but when he did so, she instantly calmed down, curling up at Castiel's side and sticking her thumb into her mouth. He stroked her hair gently, looking entirely more relaxed. With her warmth nearby, his pain didn't seem quite so bad.

 

"There we go," he said softly. "You didn't sleep so good without Daddy, huh... I'm so sorry I worried you."

 

“She wasn’t the only one,” Dean said. He reached out to run his fingers across Sophie’s stomach, a slow, easy smile settling in as her little chest rose up and back down again. “I’m just glad she’s finally able to relax again. I think she’d try to find a way to live here with you if she could.”

 

"I'm hoping that won't be a problem," Castiel admitted. "I want to get out of here as soon as I can. They want to make sure nothing goes wrong after the surgery that I had, and they have to make sure I'm stable or something... I know I won't be able to walk out of here, but I would like to be in a place where I'm not hooked up to all these damned machines."

 

He just wanted some kind of normality back, really. Plus, he never had been comfortable in a hospital setting.

 

"Yeah, but," Gabriel said, "where are you gonna go? You can't exactly go up to that apartment of yours in a wheelchair."

 

"My legs work, Gabriel," Castiel mumbled.

 

"Yeah, but remember that you've got broken ribs? And a neck brace? Not to mention your arm is in a cast and while your leg may not have been broken it's still going to smart to walk on while the bruises heal. You can't walk up four stories in your condition, Cas. I'm just trying to be realistic here. I can take you to live with me for a while, if you want."

 

"I'm not going to pick up my life and move out of state, Gabe."

 

"It might not be that bad of an idea, though.” Dean turned his head from Cas’s look of bewilderment, but the glare of the hospital lights kept his wince from being hidden. “I mean, he does have a point, Cas. Those stairs were hell enough as it is; you're not gonna be getting up and down them like that. I'd offer for you to stay with me, but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like that all that much either."

 

"With Lisa, you mean," Gabe said. "Guess you already have your hands pretty full. It'd be handy if Cas still just had that house of his with you in it."

 

It was hard to tell whether Gabriel meant the words to be accusing or not, yet they seemed to weigh on Dean regardless. "Look, that might…" He sighed when Gabe arched a brow, swallowing down around whatever he had meant to say instead.

 

Castiel sighed softly. He didn't want to leave town. He sure as hell didn't want to leave the state. Dean was here, and even if they weren't a couple, Castiel loved him too much to want to be without him, and he also knew that Sophie would not be happy being moved to a new place far away from Dean.

 

He knew that Gabriel was right though. The apartment wasn't accessible in his current state... and maybe Dean was hoping Castiel would go so that it would be easier for him to get back to his life with Lisa.

 

But Castiel had made a life here. It was a little one, but it was still his, and he didn't want to leave it. He didn't want to leave his school, leave his job, leave Dean.

 

"I'll figure something out," he said, but it was weak at best.

 

He jolted just a little when Dean’s fingers slid through his hair. “ _We_ will. "You're not alone in this, Cas.” He rubbed at Cas’s scalp once before taking his hand back with a sigh. “I'll try to find a way to settle things out from my end…and then you can decide what you want to do. I’m not gonna pressure you, one way or the other.”

 

Castiel didn't know what Dean meant by that, but he found himself comforted by it all the same. He could feel Gabriel watching the two of them, but in that moment he didn't care. He just wanted Dean there, and he was, and that was all that mattered.

 

"Dean, just... just don't do anything crazy, okay? Everything is kind of... crazy right now..."

 

He didn't even know what he was saying anymore, so he just closed his eyes, exhausted. "I just want to go home. I hate it here."

 

He was certain that Dean said something in reply, but each flutter of his eyelids was already starting to drag longer and by the time he forced them open for good Dean was gone.

 

“What… Where did…”

 

“Dean had some stuff to take care of.” Gabriel was bouncing a giggling Sophie on his knee, apparently having convinced her that he was friend instead foe. “You hungry? The nurse told me to let her know when you woke up so she could get you some lunch.”

 

Castiel pursed his mouth momentarily, but Gabriel’s expression seemed to suggest him that it wasn’t going to be possible to pry anything more about Dean from him. “Did they say anything else?” he tried instead. “Like when I can get out of here?”

 

"They said they want to do an MRI to make sure your head is in good shape and just keep you tonight to be positive everything is kosher. Said they could get you out of here tomorrow as long as they know you're not going to be by yourself."

 

And Castiel knew his brother too well not to read the inflection in his tone. “Gabriel…” He sighed when Gabe raised his hands up, slumping back against the pillows.

 

“I meant it when I said you could come back with me,” Gabriel said.

"I've got a couple spare rooms that you and Sophie can have for as long as you want."

 

"I wish," Castiel said, wincing a little as he shifted towards Gabe, "it was as simple as that, but I... I can't."

 

"Because of Dean?"

 

Castiel blushed. "Not... not only because of Dean, all right? I mean... this is my home. I've made a life here. I have a job. I go to school. It's not perfect but... I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Besides, you know how I hate to rely on others."

 

“Oh, I don’t know.” Gabriel rolled his shoulders up into a shrug. “You seem to ‘rely’ on Dean just fine.” He chuckled under the glare Castiel sent his way, which wasn’t really the desired reaction. Cas supposed it was good as he was going to get for now, though.

 

**\--**

Castiel had eaten and been taken for his MRI which came back clear. His concussion had apparently been minor, though that had already been what they had figured since his memory of the accident (what little he had been conscious for) had since returned.

 

He was back in bed by the time Dean got back, already tired out from just the small amount of moving around. He was a little taken aback by the beeline that Dean made for Sophie, though, scooping her up so that he could press a firm kiss to each of her full cheeks in turn. At least until he noticed the dejected set to Dean’s shoulders and his heart jumped in his chest.

 

"Dean,” he murmured, "what... what's going on? What's wrong?"

 

Dean swallowed hard, settling Sophie into the crook of his arm so that he could face Cas properly. Or at least try; his eyes seemed determined to keep settling down towards the floor. “I…uh…told Lisa,” he said. “It went better than I thought it would. I mean…she was sort of understanding, but she doesn’t really want me around right now either…” The area around his right cheek was suspiciously red, even taking a slightly purple tinge already around the edges, which no doubt showed the exact limits of Lisa’s understanding.

 

"So she kicked you out?" Gabriel only clucked his tongue against the roof of his mouth when Dean glowered at him. "Oh, come on, like we all didn't see that coming. It will settle by the time your kid's born, don't worry."

 

“I hope so.” Dean’s gaze softened when he glanced down at Sophie, who was peering up at him curiously from around the fist stuck in her mouth. “She might’ve been more pissed if she didn’t see me with Cas.”

 

It was growing steadily more difficult for Cas to gather his thoughts into anything logical.

 

Dean... _told her_.

 

He had told her about them.

 

So... Lisa and Dean weren't together anymore... and that meant...

 

Dean had made a choice, and he had chosen Castiel.

 

"Dean, you... you didn't," he said, disbelieving, but the look on Dean's face proved to him that he had. "Dean, please... please tell me you didn't just do that because I was in the hospital. Please tell me that you-- that..."

 

_Please tell me that you love me._

Dean was already starting to frown. "How can you even..." He cut himself off at the pass, shaking his head. "Of course I didn't do it just for that, Cas." He sat down on the edge of the bed, shifting Sophie down into his lap with a hand braced against her back. "I told her because it was the right thing to do. I couldn't keep stringing her along when I love you. She deserves better than always being second place and you don't need to be feel like you're not important. I'm not gonna lose you, Cas, not this time."

 

Castiel's eyes felt wet with tears of relief. He wouldn't let himself cry because he had a feeling it would physically hurt, but he really had never expected Dean to actually choose him. Lisa had everything Dean had ever wanted out of his life, but in the end Castiel had been the one he wanted.

 

"I love you," he said, reaching out and touching Dean's knee.

 

Dean’s bark of laughter came out sounding all but raw. “Well that’s good,” he said, “because I didn’t have much of a plan for if you turned me down.”

"You know there's a door right there," Gabe said, jerking his thumb back towards it, "and I think I'm going to use it to slip right out of here." He paused, glancing back over his shoulder. "You should totally use this as an opportunity to kiss my brother senseless before I come back here and am obligated to give you the shovel talk." It was hard to take any threats from him seriously, though, when he managed to do a finger wiggle of a wave on the way out.

"Probably shouldn't kiss me senseless," Castiel managed to say with a weak laugh. "I don't know if that would be good for my neck or ribs."

When Dean did lean over and kiss him, it was gentle and sweeter than honey. Castiel felt like he could melt right into the bed from it, good arm sliding up to grip the back of Dean's neck. When they parted, Castiel smiled at him, tired but pleased. "I know I should be angry with you for everything that went down, but I can't find it in myself to. Even in the state I'm in, I'm just... so happy. It sounds silly, but it's true."

He kissed Dean again and then a third time. "Tomorrow we'll go home. All three of us."

And for once the promise felt like it stuck.

 


End file.
